In survival mode

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I tell you, I cannot stand the faux female voices many trans women like to affect. It's irritating to see a trans woman with all the disposition of a neckbeard who lives in his mother's basement switch in and out of this strange singsongy voice. Good God. I know I used to affect this kind of voice, but I've been aiming to put a stop to it. Better to be mistaken for a man than to have this stupid voice that makes people's hairs stand on end.

Apparently you still have a lot of issues with transition. I am pretty sure that this is the main reason you are feeling depressed now: you thought you were sure when coming to California, and then you find out that you are not that sure, or at least that many things need to be clarified before you could do the big step and having a good feeling with it.

You say: "Better to be mistaken for a man than to have this stupid voice that makes people's hairs stand on end." Identity building has a lot to do with trying to check your self-perception against the perceptions others have of you. NT children do that through role play mostly at toddler age, aspies often in various ways at a later age. On the other hand, many people (and the others dont count that much) actually can tolerate even strong pecularities of people if they feel that the person is O.K. with it.

It seems like it is recently that you get more aware or more concerned about how most people perceive most trans people? That might actually be an important step in a longer identity building process. So give yourself more time.

Evam,

Well, for surgery, I'm still waiting for my Medi-Cal to be approved so that I can even get decent continuation of care, much less be able to get approved and scheduled for surgery.

It's not surgery that's caused this latest issue, but instead exhaustion coupled with a sense of powerlessness. You see, ever since high school, I have feared living on my own, without any support, because I did not believe I could handle it. The difficulties I've experienced still being homeless, being forced from environment to environment, and having to be around other people have left me tired.

A few years ago, I had a stable place and a job, with support from my parents. If only surgery were available then, because I would not have had to leave my stable place and job. Unfortunately, my job's health plan excluded it, even with my psychologist, psychiatrist, and endocrinologist saying I was ready. It seems like I must pay in grief and lots more grief to even get a real shot at surgery.

Now my credit is wrecked, I'm permanently disabled, I'm homeless, and I have no future.

Another resource:
http://www.transhousingnetwork.com/

I had understood that you are terribly exhausted and also where your exhaustion comes from, but resilience against the oddities of life has a lot to do with identity and authenticity. Your strong repulsion against some transes (and your former artificial, inauthentic voice) touches transphobia, and that was what irritated me.

Autism expert Anne-Marie Vaillant (Aulnay): We tried to treat the very peculiar anxieties autistic children have which are anxieties of corporal-psychic construction. The image of the body is not constructed in the same way, and this leads to anxieties that normal children had, too, but passed quickly.

Hi Edenthiel,

I submitted a "Need Couch" there. Thanks!

Hi Evam,

Thanks for your response. If possible, could you expound upon the quote about "the very peculiar anxieties autistic children have"?

I could find only this, but it didn't really explain it:

https://es.pinterest.com/pin/427630927097416288/

The documentary I quoted from is French:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVsmnlC ... ture=share
documentaire 2015 Autistes une place parmi les autres Arte
Video von documentaire Hd 2015 auf Youtube

It is said in the context of the packing method (Min. 31:00), but they dont give more theoretical background information than what I have already translated into English.

There is quite a lot of research on the link between anorexia and an underlying Asperger condition (the Gillbergs and others) and as body image plays a very important role in anorexia, there should be also more about this issue. In that context the video "Likeness" from Rodrigo Prieto with Elle Fanning is quite illustrative. It has a strong body dysmorphic component, and body dysmorphic disorder must have a strong link with autism, too.

Evam,

OK.

Tuesday night into early Wednesday morning, I could not sleep, constantly feeling this kind of underneath angry feeling, and I began to despair. I then contemplated suicide, considering throwing myself off the railing. Because of this, I drove to the emergency room, where I spent maybe 8 hours. I felt somewhat better after getting out, though I was very tired. I then went to a place last night that provides overnight respite and another day has dawned.

I've been wearing the same clothes for probably 2 weeks or longer, so I wanted to do some laundry. A nice person at the gender center gave me 10 dollars in quarters, all rolled up, so I could go to the laundromat. Unfortunately, within 5 minutes I had lost the quarters. I was in the car and pulled over to look for it. In the process, I lost my keys, which turned out to be in my bag. The laundromat closed while 2 people helped me look for them. I finally found them. I bought a shirt at Target so I can shower and change. I'm now at a hotel.

It looks like I can't really take care of myself. The mess in the car shows that. I'm strongly considering calling Adult Protective Services.

One problem I have is that I speak too well. I am charismatic and can give the impression of a pleasant, polite, smart person who has it all under control, so everyone assumes that I can function completely independently and that there is no way I can be on the autism spectrum or anything. This is both a blessing and a curse, a blessing because it keeps me out of trouble but a curse because it makes people expect too much of me.

When I was in grade school, I received a lot of social skills training, so I can present like this. I noticed it was around the start of high school that I started presenting better. Unfortunately, I didn't receive much training elsewhere.

Sometimes, I think it would be fun if there were more Japanese-based stuff around here, or even if English would be closer to Japanese. I will probably never live in Japan because of my disabilities, but still I would like it if things could be done the Japanese way more. Maybe I need to take a trip to San Fran and visit Japantown every once in a while.

Anyway, I had the repulsion with the trans people at the gender center, but 2 of those people really helped me tonight, so it looks like some contradictions may be building.

Praying that you will receive food, clothing, and shelter, beneficii ...

It would be fun to be able to dress in something cute or pretty and have it fit me well, but alas I cannot have that. My shoulders are too wide and my hips too narrow and at a bad angle. I'm still stuck being pre-op, so I'd have to screw with tucking when wearing most things (either yoga pants, tight jeans, or skirs/dresses). I hate tucking. Also, my chest is too vast for my breasts, so I just end up looking weird there. I'm not even going to get into my face and voice. Oh, and hair.

Ugh, if I tried dressing like that, I'd just end up looking repulsive myself, like Fred Flintstone in a dress. When I see those repulsive other trans people, I see an undesirable future.

I have never been repulsed by any trans person I have ever seen.

Repulsion exists only because of a judgement you have and judgements are your personal "spin" on reality. Your spin is not -the- spin.

Even the cis women at the gender center I go to cannot stand us repulsive trans women. A couple times, when I was microwaving food in the kitchen area, just behind which the bathrooms are, I noticed the cis women going into the men's. The men's and women's are right next to each other and they are single-occupancy bathrooms. I wondered if the women's was in use, which would explain why they went into the men's, but it was not. It seems that the cis women there make sure to use the bathroom that they know the trans women won't use, which is the men's bathroom.

I had a laugh to myself when I noticed this.