I can't stop hating myself.

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LonleyJar, do you know much I suffer from existential issues? More often then not it makes me wish I was a stupid person who only lives in the moment and has no feeling or care for the future. I sometimeswish my IQ was low so I would not care about the future and merely look at the present.

Now I suffer from both fear of my inevitable mortality, and my insignificance in this whole universe. It a train of thought that would make even the most resilient minds, hyperdepressed.

Thank you for the kind words and advice, envirozentinel, but I didn't say that I actually wanted to be a math tutor. I may know the material well enough to answer questions about it, but experience has taught me that I'm TERRIBLE at imparting the information to others, especially when I'm dealing with adolescents who try my patience because they don't care about gaining knowledge. I'm just doing this to please my parents. My mom gets angry at me when I don't respond to ads she finds for me. (I don't find them myself because that always results in a self-abuse fit on my part. I'm so afraid of being ignored, bombing the interview if I'm not ignored, and getting fired AGAIN if I'm accepted that I just can't think straight and don't know how else to vent my anger, barring taking my frustration on inanimate objects like my bedroom walls or my computer.) My dad would just sass at me if I wanted something simpler that wasn't necessarily a STEM job. I just can't ignore my parents because I still live in their home. I'm not capable of living by myself, and I don't want to live with my extended family lest I just infuriate them by bringing my various problems with me.

I think it's partially because of my parents that I'm nearing my breaking point, the end of my rope. I don't want them reminding me about how financially sound STEM jobs are, or giving me lectures about how many people struggle with basic math, or telling me about math instructors who don't even know the material they're required to teach, or joking about me being their meal ticket for their retirement plan! This isn't even anything new! I've always had issues with stress, and even though my parents showed concern for me, they couldn't figure out that THEY might have been a key factor in my foul mood. They always wanted me to be perfect at whatever they deemed important, and that included academia. I remember having many breakdowns because of my mistakes and because of my parents' outbursts over my mistakes. I never thought of seeking help because I was always terrible at dealing with other people, and because I didn't fully realize that I could have had serious issues with my parents until I went to college; better late than never, I suppose. I really only took that test to see if I could pass, nothing more.

I've been trying to set up an appointment with an associate of my rehabilitation service specialist. I really don't know what to do with my life. I put primary focus on learning math because few other things interested me, but because I've been fired a few times for my outbursts at incorrigible students, I might be losing my interest in math. Most other math jobs require job experience that I don't have or more years spent in college that I don't want. I just don't know what to do anymore; one more tutoring gig might be the last straw for me.

Have you thought about freelancing? Working for yourself removes the ear of being fired by someone who just pays you a little bit but gets rid of you as soon as you make a mistake, which is what happened with me. He said in the beginning he was aware of my condition but later when my Aspie traits showed then he changed his tune.

I'm not saying it's easy to work for yourself but this can work especially if you have any skills or knowledge that people will pay for. There are plenty of freelancing sites online. If you like animals (it seems you do from other posts you've made) you can do house- and pet sitting, which is quite a growing demand in the US especially.

Online tutoring where you don't actually meet the students could work, or one on one - if maths teaching is what you want to do.

Do an aptitude test or two to determine what you really like and are good at. (online ones are fine)

It's not easy to have perfectionist parents whose ego seems more important than the welfare of their offspring.