Abandoned- hopeless- barely holding on

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Waking up another day to the realization my life no longer has meaning. My wife and love of my life of 12 years has left, and I'm understanding slowly will not be back. I cannot bear this lonelieness. The emptiness I feel inside is consuming me. I never thought I'd have to feel this way again. I never thought SHE'D make me feel this way. After knowing me and knowing how fragile I am when it comes to loss and abandonment. But she is doing it anyway...

How am I ever supposed to trust anyone again? The very person who's meant more to me than anyone, who knows me better than anyone is hurting me in that certain way that only she'd be capable-- my weakest of weaknessess-- being left behind. It's so sad to think what I've seen as this deep connection has been a burden to her. All the memories I cherish meant very little to her, I can see now. What I thought was special all this time was only special for me. The way even up until the end, a look into her eyes could make me melt. Oh, those eyes. Her smooth pale skin across mine in passion haunts me. Instead of looking back and enjoying the
memory, I get to now ask, who was this passion for that I was seeing? It surely wasn't for me as I'm being told.

How does one pick themselves up after evidently wasting so much time? I don't want to be alone. And now I may be too broken to even ever try to start again. And if I don't, why should I stop myself from buying several bottles of OTC sleeping pills, a liter of vodka and driving off into the middle of nowhere to die on my sleep in the front seat of my car so my family doesn't have to find me. I don't want to do this. I'm trying so hard to fight. I really am. But this is all just too much for me. This loss feels unbearable.

Maybe the worst part is, the fact that I really don't even fully understand why. She's never been good at speakign her mind. She's the most timid coward you'll ever meet. Even still, she's too cowardly to just tell me she's done. No, she leaves, "separating" only because I couldn't understand why we weren't trying more. She still says she doesn't know what she wants. I don't understand this. I probably never will. She's got very deep rooted mental issues. She was verbally abused by her father for years about her weight. Her whole family really. She was the only "fat" one (I hate even writing that word because I don't ever see her that way. and
she's really not even bad) on either side of her family. She came to strongly suspect over the last few years that she was likely sexually abused. She was ignored by those in her life who didn't abuse her. She was an only child. Rejected throughout her teens and early 20s by men. Had a few sh***y short lived, often very desperate attempts to find love that took her to several different states only to be heartbroken and come back. Then we met and 12 years later here we are.

I'm accepting she's really a mess of a human being, way more than I ever realized, and that keeps me from turning this hurt into hate. I hurt for her because I know if she doesn't come back, she's making the worst mistake of her life. While I have many flaws, she can search the Earth high and low and will never find a man who will love her as much as I do now. She's telling me this is because she needs to be alone. That the intensity of a marriage is too much for her. That her self esteem is low incredibly low and she is so insecure that the idea of having any man makes her uneasy because they look at other women. She cannot handle this idea. Even though in all honesty, I doubt there's another man out there that disciplines themselves in that way as much as me. I stopped looking at pornography for years when she told me it hurt her, even though she still looked at it. She would openly speak about little things like celebrity crushes, and I wouldn't say a word. If I had a job or was somewhere where a woman seemed even remotely interested in me, I'd be sure to act in a way that changed that quickly. I talked about my wife to anyone who would listen. I even kept myself from checking out other women most of the time. I mean, I'm human, but I honestly trained myself in my mind to realize how much it'd hurt her if she knew what I was thinking and often didn't even check out that woman's ridiculous ass in tights right in front of me on line.

What's even more troubling, is deep down, she's so confused on the things she wants. On the one hand, she has a desire to be used. I know she deeply desire to find a man who doesn't know her, care about her and onlty wants to use her for her body-- probably to validate herself-- because she says no one has ever wanted her like that. I guess I don't f*****g count... But on the other hand, she has a moral belief structure that would not really allow her to be that way without feeling awful abotu herself. That and she could never bring herself to do it, as I'm the only person who's ever seen her fully naked, and even a hint of the lightest criticism about her body will send her in a several day depression/panic. The thing is, in bed, I treated her like a friggin goddess. Again, I'm not God's gift here, but I know how much care and thought and effort I put in to pleasing my woman. I put a very high value on sharing those feelings. But for her, she needed objectification.

She wanted to be an object. Can't say I didn't enjoy the hell out of it. But I sometimes felt guilty, like I was contributing to an unhealthy mental state to someone I loved dearly. But, some things are simply too hard to resist. Especially when you are hypersexual, very attracted to your spouse, and she begs you to use her in those ways. I wish I could have shown her a little bit more about the love side of things. She was just never really very receptive.

So now, I what, accept all this and move on I guess right? That's what the only three people that exist that I actually speak with say. Seems to be what everything I read says. How the f**k do you do that? Some people just make it sound so easy. Ah, it's a part of love they say. These things happen. There's plenty of other fish in the sea... Has the world gone mad? Today, if you say you want to kill yourself because the love of your life has left you, you're unhealthy. You need pills. What kind of thinking is this? Sure, if it help you avoid a final irreversible act then I get it. But it's the idea. For centuries, fatalistic love was the norm. Countless stories,
and later movies were made about it. Things people watch and cry and pine over. But then real life comes and all of a sudden were supposed to just chalk that all up to fantasy an go on being our cynical selves? That's not an existence I really want any part of. But outside of taking my own life, I'm stuck with it. But I believe in a literal, Biblical Hell. I also believe I'm going there when I die. I'm not in any hurry to check in.

I have nobody to talk to about this. I literally have one friend. He lives out of state and has his third kid on the way in a few months. He's more mentally screwed than I am, but loyal to the bone. I've worn him out with all of this talk, he's got so much going on. I live back with my parents now. My mom is trying to leave me alone. I think she's scared that I'm gonna bottom out and hurt myself. She's seen the blackness of my depths of despair. My stepdad has probably been cooler to me than ever in my life, but not an emotional support type of person. I have a job, but I'm basically mute there. I listen to music the entire day, never removing my headphones, don't even make eye contact with people, and literally e-mail people sitting two seats away if I need to ask them something. So that's obviously no help. I don't have any online friends, I don't use any social media platforms, I don't keep in touch with old acquaintances, and now I'm in a situation where I may not ever be able to make any new ones. This loneliness is giving me such deep anxiety. I come home from work and sit here often for hours just staring in a silent room. I have no hobbies or interests. I mean, I had a few, but I can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes, and everything reminds me of her. So I'm trapped in this solitary state of painful self-reflection and self-criticism, hopless and devastated, unless I choose to get drunk, at which time those things kinda stay the same but I get too dopey to think deeply and wind up passing out. Smoking pot doesn't even help my mindset.

And she's still texting me. THe most useless daily s**t and it confuses me. She say there's still a chance, but it seems to me she's made up her mind. I don't want to be impatient on what is the most important thing in the world to me. I don't want to abandon someone who I've promised to be there for life, even if she can't reciprocate and is troubled to a point where she probably can't be in a functional marriage anymore. But people like that deserve love too don't they? Just because she's not equipped to fulfill the commitment she agreed to doesn't let me off the hook. Because I can. It's what I do. Die by people's feet if they need me to.

Everytime I see a message, my heart leaps just a little, hoping it'll be some sign that she's turning back toward me. And I've seen a few very slight ones. But I'm probably just looking too hard. This up and down is killing me. I'm thinking it'd be better if I told her we shouldn't speak until she knows what she wants. But I'm
needy. As soon as that happens, I'd want to sleep with the first woman who'd let me, even if I didn't find her the slightest bit desirable, just because it's the onyl way I know to cut feelings and I'm so f*****g lonely and desperate for a woman's kind attention. But I know this will only lead to bad things. Not to mention, I'm not at all socially capable of doing that. She's also told me she'd liek me to jjust be distant for a bit, let her try to see if she wants to be alone or not. She says it's alone or me, but projecting the facts that I explained earlier to this concept makes it really hard to interpret the truth.

I fear I'm being used. That she knows she no longer has romantic or sexual interest in me, but I know her well and am very good at comforting those I love, as I'll put myself aside and really try to know what they need. I fear she doesn't want to lose our friendship, but that's the only part she wants. There's just no way I'm emotionally able to do that. None. I don't really even want to try. That concept seems ridiculous to me.

I just don't know what to do and I feel so lost and alone. But I'm trying to beat this, I really am.

I know it's only been a few days, but any updates, Beaky?

Glad you're okay. I'm in a lot of stress myself now (though different reasons) so I can understand a little at least.

Thanks Beaky. It sounds like you need a friend and I do care. I hope you can find whatever support you need, here or otherwise. Situations like this can be so devastating and I really relate to how you feel toward being uncertain. I suppose, in a small way, it's positive that she seems to be having a problem generally. By that I mean that it doesn't seem to be about you, or the both of you. If she can solve her problem, then hopefully the two of you can work on rebuilding what you have together.

Hey Beaky, Sorry to hear about the really difficult time you are going through. I've been married 41 years and at times I know I have put my husband through hell because of my depression and inability to believe that anyone could love me and my despairing thoughts that I should just kill myself because he would be better off with anyone else but me. It took me a long, long time to work through that crap and it actually had nothing to do with him. I had totally no self worth at the time, there were all these lies that kept looping around in my mind, that I was the worst person on earth and that the planet would be better off without me.

I pray that your wife can get rid of any such lies that she may be believing about herself now and that she can come to see the truth of the love you shared together and that she can come to value herself not on how many pounds she does or does not weigh, or anything else about her physical appearance, but on her inner beauty. There never has been and never will be a person who possesses her unique qualities. That's what's so awesome, we are all totally unique. She sounds like she has a lot to work through, and from the love you describe that you have for her, it sounds like she is worth waiting for. I hope she gets the help she needs. I believe your patience will pay off.

I know you said you don't really have any hobbies or do things like binge watching to help pass the time. But what about pets? She has the parrot now? Is there a type of pet you would like that could be company for you? Animal shelters are overflowing with cats and dogs that just need someone to love them and care for them. Even if you,don't want a permanent pet, shelters are often looking for people who will foster a pet until it can find a permanent family. Just a suggestion.

Just wanted you to know lots of people here care about what you are going through.

Hi beakybird, I've returned to see how you are, as well.

I have experienced the same, in terms of stepping away from a contentious situation, to find the weight begin to lift and my mind to clear. It is an opportunity to process things from my own perspective, as opposed to losing it, or my thoughts, to the influence of all of the various, connected stimuli whirling about.

I think it takes immense courage and strength to stay in a place of loneliness and despair. I believe, out of the most painful and contentious situations, can come abundant wisdom and healing. I believe there is a bright light, already shining for you, at the end of the tunnel you are currently making your way, through. Like HighLlama, and others, I care, too. If you can use another friend, I will be here to support you.

...and, to you, Marshall, I send the same sentiments...

I have not caught up on all the posts still, but I really, really feel you when I read what you say. Much as you stated for me, we ARE very similar.

I can feel your emotions through me. I don't know how much time I have right now to write, but I really want to say so much.

I never did fully express what happened to me, all the uncertainty and stress, and I want to share with you the beginning of my story. Firstly of all, I came from a stable and rich background, although emotionally messed up.

Anyways, I too have not been alone for most of my life. Once I started dating, I jumped from one relationship to another without much time in between, and the relationships were long-lasting. The first one I didn't even want to be in, and I knew that, except for the emotional support. I knew he loved me and so I could trust me. Then the next one was with I married the guy who was my highschool friend. I still didn't love him though.

Then I fell, hard and strong. Like you say. I left my marriage, I couldn't not. We'd bought a house within that year, and had the wedding that year too. Then I left and moved halfway across Canada, upon where me and my love moved 3 times, started a business. Then we break up and I am left homeless and incomeless in a city I'd not even lived in a year. I lived in a homeless shelter for 3 months, then a room for 4, then finally am where I am now, my own 1 bedroom apartment. First time ever in a space entirely just for me.

Throughout these changes I've been suicidal. I've felt emotional pain so intense I did not think I could ever hurt that much. It is the worst of all pains I have ever felt in my life, and I honestly do not think most other people have felt that same way. I cried today about him too, but today, well I seem to cry a lot about things,
but today it is okay, the pain is not so severe I want to end it all. I think it is because today I am living my own life, not a shared one. I am into remembering who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. I have decided to not go live with my parents, at least for now, because I know it will stifle me in ways I do not want. I am
not strong enough to be independent enough of them when they are around. Much like I am not strong enough to be independent enough when I am in a relationship. Yet.

What we develop is co-dependence. It is apparently bad for a relationship. I had it in all of my relationships to a degree, not much in the first one I suppose. It seems like it shouldn't be bad, but when you're IN it, the emotional issues that both of you have, neither one of you will be able to resolve them because you're both supporting those habits and ways of thinking in each other.

See, for me, the way I see it, if I am not capable of being independent on my own, then how can I possibly be capable of being independent when I am with anyone else? And when I say independent, this applies to the very core of your being and your identity. You sound like you have no center to ground yourself, just like me. But I'm finding one again, I really am. And I'm still crying almost every day, but that's OK because I smile everyday too. It's kind of wonderful still. Or maybe that's all the drugs I'm on talking :-p

That you have no identity of your own to the point that you've taken her and made her your identity is why this is so painful I think. I get it. It's not just that she's gone, YOU are gone too. Yet when you 2 first started out and met, you had a different identity. And she liked that identity. And now your identity is just her.

Glad to see you still have your sense of humor through this dark time. If you did decide to get a dog, perhaps a chihuahua would be the right size, too small to greet you with a crotch sniff