My world is caving in

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I appreciate your presence here. I'm hoping you find happiness.

Yeah I would. I would think what a waste of human life.

Most of the time people are permanently psychologically scarred from someone they know who committed suicide.

thats what is holding me...

(((Marknis)))

I was where you were in 2011-2012. I didn't think anything would ever get better and things only seemed to be getting worse. Somehow, however things greatly improved. I hope that you will find hope and healing. I agree that you need a complete change of scenery. The environment you're in seems pretty toxic, from all accounts.

I think you posted in another thread that you had an appointment with your therapist. Please keep that appointment.

Please don't kill yourself. Please find some help and act on it. Change is required. Auntblabby's suggestion of joining the military is a good one. I know a lot of good people who got on their feet through the military. Think of all the guns you would get to work with. You would get in shape, you would be collecting a paycheck, health insurance, etc. and you would get away from the toxic environment you appear to be in. And some women love a man in a uniform.

(((markinis)))

When psychotherapy and medication don't alleviate depression, sometimes ECT (electroconvulsive shock therapy) will. ECT gets bad press, mostly a residue from the bad old days of psychiatry, but there are also many patients who swear by it. It might be the reboot you need.

If the alternatives are death by suicide, or ECT, I would choose the ECT.

In any case, do something. You are not getting better.

I did have an appointment and she actually helped me feel better. I also feel like something has "switched on" in my brain after years of struggle. I am short on time so I'll try to explain later.

(((blazingstar)))

Aspies can’t join the military. We are deemed dangerous by the government so we can’t join or do fbi etc.

They don’t take depressed people either.
I also suspect the type of people he wants to get away from make up a lot of the military. Military is mostly right leaning but rude and look down in weak men.

Deleted due to not really on topic.

Last edited by blazingstar on 16 Oct 2018, 7:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Good on the "switch" concept. I have felt that in my life too. You may lose it from time to time, but once you get that "switch" you are on the road to a more fulfilling life.

No so! I was in the military. And I worked my way up the enlisted ranks quite well. The military has structure and order. It also has one other thing that might be advantageous. There is a bonding that takes place in a squad. It may not be the same thing as friendship but it is very close. You depend on the squad and the squad depends on you. Sometimes with your very life.

I do have to say I do not know why you think I would enjoy working with guns. I don't have any interest in them and that is partly because the people in my area who love guns are the same people who think I am "weird" or "gay".

The "switch" turned on when my therapist told me that the fears I have are just "stories" and not who I really am. I know that ruminating on my past and constantly wondering if I'll ever get better hasn't helped but I don't know what to do to feel like I am moving forward in my life. Even with the "switch" on, I still don't know what path I need to take.

Did you join post 1990? I’m guessing you joined in 70s/80s and I’m guessing you weren’t diagnosed?
It’s a new world they don’t take diagnosed aspies in the military. Arm pay got in trouble taking autistic kid and got sued.autism is a disqualification.
I tried to join multiple times was told no every single time. The Marine recruiter tried but the higher recruiter said no there’s no way around it.
It has nothing to do with how well we’d do or not it’s discrimination pure and simple. But the federal government is allowed to discriminate even though they punish private companies for doing what they do.
I probably might have done well in military maybe better off then I am no but if could be bad. My nt friend couldn’t handle it.

In order to possible join I’d have to get undiagnosed, get my medical records expunged, and wait 12 months during which I’d have to show I can work and live just fine without any assistance.
Any sign of depression or anxiety is also a disqualification.

I live about 40 or so minutes from Fort Hood and the people in my area who support the military think if you aren't right leaning, you must be a "leftie commie hippie loser". The soldiers I've met are also generally rough people and I feel like I have to keep certain things unsaid around them or they'll rib the hell out of me. One of my unrequited love spells involved the sister of someone in the Aspergers support group I used to go to regularly whose father was in the military, she worked at Fort Hood, and she rejected me because I wasn't a "Christian" even though she was having pre-marital sex like crazy.

I actually did try having a faith again but it didn't work out. The bible study group I attended was split by gender; the guys only wanted to talk about sports and the girls just talked about "girly" things. Even if you call yourself a Christian, it won't translate to social success.

Marknis, I apologize for the gun comment. I somehow thought you were with gun rights lobby. My mistake.

If you are looking for an accepting quiet place for worship, the Quakers are very welcoming to all. Quakers are seekers and it sounds like you are seeking.

Not all vets are like the ones you have seen. My husband is a veteran and fought in the Iraq war. Some of the men in my Quaker meeting are veterans from previous wars. They are kind, caring people. The vets have forums like this one where they support one another. I am sure military persons can also be abusive and rude and bullying. It was just a suggestion. I am sure that basic training is hell.

It is good to feel the switch. You don't have to know which way to go. Sometimes each step is done on faith, or just to see what will happen.