How to comfort the chronically depressed?

Post Reply New Topic

If you want you could tell your friend that sometimes things that appear bad end up good. And vice versa

"Thin line between love and hate"

"Chop wood and carry water"

You did not cause your friends situation

It is not your fault your friend had no date on Valentine's day

However Valentine's day just one day in 365

If you want you could play matchmaker

Of course that might backfire

You could offer to play a game with your friend

Could you give him a bro hug?

Ask what would help? That'd be what I'd like (well, that's if I liked help, which I usually don't).

I apparently have MDD even though I don't feel it and no one would know, because I don't show anything nor interact with others outside of services. Hell, even with the one person I interact with socially who knows me very well (mother), didn't know it. I guess having that interest from autism can mask it, along with that unwavering feeling of service I have, so I still do things. I probably don't have any hope in reality, and I get that mixed up with dreams.

Not everyone wants "comfort"

Maybe he just wants to complain

It's clear from that response this person needs you to pay attention to them, rather than distract them [and they probably thought you had proposed it based on your selfish moods not on your concern for them] that event might have been way too recent or still hurting. In such a situation even psychologists need to be wary and sometimes they ask the person to talk about something else about themselves but it's a tactical move and have to be very careful.

This person seems to be at a difficult time where it leaves you walking on eggshells and them questioning if you care about them and misjudging your behavior. Make sure to quickly state your intention was for them because you've been concerned, not for yourself. And make sure to make it obvious that you're open to soothing them in the way they can receive it and hope they have patience with you because you are very doubtful of how they perceive your behavior and get hurt too if they misinterpret it.

It's a difficult situation, I hope you can explain you meant no harm to them, you were only wanting to be a good friend to them and didn't know that distracting them wasn't really good for them in that situation, maybe it works on yourself but didn't work on them. They might want you to listen and try to understand the events they're going through and ask more about it and try to understand how it makes them feel and why, even if it's different from how you would feel.

I'm sorry you have been misjudged, must be scary and hurt to not be recognized. Hope it gets better is a good thing to say, as well as repeating the event in a short way to see if you understood it or if they correct it, it's part of professional listening and it does a lot to help people, there are listeners with license, less trained than psychologists, this helps people by a ton.

Listening is a skill of relationships, it's much more valuable to listen a lot than to talk a lot.

_________________
My Pepe Le Skunk. I have so much faith in our love for one another. Thanks for being an amazing partner. x

Any topic, PM me; mind my profile.

There is no evidence that expensive gifts can make a person more happy or healthy.
One thing is certain: when it comes to affection and patience, there’s no such thing as giving too much or going overboard. Intangible gifts such as these do not depreciate as the years go by or cause people to become spoiled.

_________________
My Pepe Le Skunk. I have so much faith in our love for one another. Thanks for being an amazing partner. x

Any topic, PM me; mind my profile.

I admit that some people with depression are impossible to please. For example, my brother is clinically depressed, and this year he didn't want anyone to get him any cards or gifts for his birthday (he wasn't just saying that to guilt people into making a fuss of his birthday, he seriously did not want any fuss at all), but I know that if we all obeyed his wishes and didn't get him any gifts or cards or anything then he'd complain that nobody bothered with his birthday. He does get upset when people don't invite him to social events but then when he is invited he gets angry that he was invited and says he wishes people wouldn't invite him.

I know you might say that it's a case of "not wanting to go but still wanting to be asked", which is true for me, but with him he seriously means it. Whatever people do isn't right, and he's not doing this for sympathy or attention. But I believe sympathy does help him, but giving him too much attention doesn't, as attention is not what he's craving. In fact I think he'll be happy if he lived by himself in an isolated place where he'd never have to deal with people again. But then he'd get lonely...

Sone ideas on how to validate feelings and what not to do

"Validation is an important part of any relationship, including the relationship you have with yourself. Validation is what makes you feel heard and respected. It’s crucial that you learn to both validate others and yourself.

Validation means to confirm, to verify, to authenticate. Validation can be verbal or nonverbal. It helps you deepen relationships. When validating others, you make them feel heard and respected. When validating yourself, you provide that same comfort on your own.

When a person confides in you, they are not usually looking for advice or problem-solving unless they specifically ask for it. Rather, they are looking for validation. If you are not used to validating, here are some suggestions. There is no greater way to set a person at ease.

.......
Focus on accurate reflection. Restate what the person said then ask, “is that right?” Take a nonjudgmental stance toward the person and be matter-of-fact. You don’t actually have to agree with the person in order to validate their feelings. You are simply restating how they are feeling.

For example, a friend might say “my therapist doesn’t like me.” You might know that’s not true however you can validate your friend by saying “you are feeling really certain she hates you.”

.....

Your brother is talking about how he does all the housework and his partner only spends a few minutes a week helping cut the grass. Now, they want your brother to do the grass too. He is clenching his fist and flexing his jaw while he speaks. You might say “You seem really angry at your spouse. You’re thinking it’s unfair to ask that of you.”

....

Communicate that the person’s behavior is understandable and whether or not it is effective.

Your partner cancelled a job interview because they were nervous. You might say “it seems very normal to be nervous before a job interview, however you won’t get the job you want if you don’t go.”

...

LEVEL 6: COMPASSION
Focus on treating the person as an equal. Express hope for the person and show you genuinely believe the person is capable of change. Treat them as valid. Do not be patronizing or condescending. Recognize the person as they are with strengths and limitations. Give them equal status and equal respect. Be genuine with them about your reactions to them and about yourself. Believe in the other person while seeing their struggles and pain.

Your friend has been divorced for three years. He feels uncomfortable doing activities with other couples because he is the only single person in the group. You might say “I totally get why you feel that way. I think most people would feel the same in your situation. It’s really brave of you to participate despite your discomfort.”

INVALIDATION
Invalidation negates or dismisses behavior independent of the actual validity of the behavior. It means to weaken, to nullify, to cancel, to reject, or to dismiss.

...
Examples of invalidation

You are really into watching your favorite show and don’t feel like doing your chores. Your mom says, “he doesn’t want to do his chores because he’s being a brat.”

REJECTING A RESPONSE TO EVENTS AS INCORRECT OR INEFFECTIVE.
Your favorite teacher yelled at you today and you just told your sister what happened. She said, “that’s stupid to feel that way. She’s just a teacher.”

DISMISSING OR DISREGARDING.
Your beloved dog just was hit by a car. Your brother says, “oh well, stuff happens.”

DIRECTLY CRITICIZING OR PUNISHING.
You are at your grandpa’s birthday party. Grandma cuts the cake and you pass out the slices. You accidentally drop one of the plates. Grandma says, “you idiot. You don’t deserve birthday cake if you just smear it all over my floor.”

REJECTING AND LINKING RESPONSES TO SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE CHARACTERISTICS.
You are helping your grandpa in the garage. One of the bigger tools falls on your fingers. Your grandpa says, “crying means you are weak. Suck it up.”

THE IMPACT OF INVALIDATION
Invalidation can make you feel awful. It can lead to longer term consequences such as:

Learning not to trust yourself, instead relying on the social environment for the correct response.
Problems regulating emotions because you withhold or ignore emotions or are extremely emotional.
Susceptibility to perfectionism, sensitivity to failure, and forming unrealistic goals.
Responses to and views of the world that are not accurate.
Looking to others to tell you how to do things.
"

https://dbtselfhelp.com/dbt-skills-list/interpersonal-effectiveness/validation/

_________________
My Pepe Le Skunk. I have so much faith in our love for one another. Thanks for being an amazing partner. x

Any topic, PM me; mind my profile.