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Nail, meet head. Head, meet nail. It's like when you give them up you have to face that all the people in your life are screwing you over. It's actually LESS of a bad feeling to die of a thousand cuts than to think that its all your fault for hanging out with these people.

Anecdote: About two months ago I stopped hanging out with a crowd I had recently met. I had been drinking 180 proof moonshine at a housewarming party given to me by a guy with no front teeth (never trust a skinny chef, never trust a well-toothed distiller of spirits), and my friend's roommate came back to their new place, and laid down an edict that nobody could stay the night. This messed me up, because I had deliberately NOT driven, and I live a half hour away. I managed to finagle a ride home from another guest in exchange for a pack of cigarettes, and when I left I made my way around to the other guests, saying, "nice to meet you, nice to meet you, nice to meet you," then to my soon to be ex-friend and his roommate, "you're a c***sucker, you are too, eat sh*t the both of ya."

Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta!



It's going to be hard getting used to this "not everybody is a massive dick" paradigm, to say the least. I have had this used against me a number of times, so that's why it was so hard, and why I appreciate all the kind comments.



It's so true! One thing I noticed was that movies about Irish people always play up the "diddly-diddly" side of things, all fighting and poverty and jigs and cruelty. We love it! When that show "The Black Donnelys" came out about Irish gangsters, Irish people just nodded along going "yeah, uh huh, so?" When the "Sopranos" came out, there were near-riots!

Also, beating the living crap out of each other is the Irish national sport:
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m ... i_56027317



Know what your problem is? Shut up, that's what!

Sorry, I'll get the hang of it...

Hey, don't worry, this isn't a quid pro quo! If it helps you, it helps you, and I'm glad. I've noticed that it helps me when I read about the bad things in other people's lives, as it makes my experience seem more "real". Seriously, I haven't even gotten to the bad parts, and I don't think I will for a while.

What I find is the most supportive thing is that other people just acknowledge what's going on. I actually hate it when people start giving me step-by step solutions when I don't ask for them. When you are told your whole life that you are not allowed to have problems, or when your abuse is denied, it makes you crazy, but it also makes you self-reliant in terms of solutions. Just having someone understand you, that your problems are happening, is the biggest gift you can get.

I can sort the rest out, I just need to have reality confirmed once in a while. My brothers and sister had it rough too, but I was singled out, and it took a long time to come to terms with that. When you're singled out by your parents and family like that, it makes it almost impossible to know what is real and what isn't. Once I know, I'm off to the races.

These feelings like the one that caused me to write this usually come about when I've had a big breakthrough or found out a necessary truth. I just need to process the emotions, and when they're huge ones, sometimes it's hard to believe they're real, so I need outside confirmation.

I try to do the same for others, especially the girls and the younger kids, because both are susceptible to special kinds of mistreatment where they aren't even sure something bad is happening, or that the way they are being treated is not right. I mean, if I suggested that someone needs to do A B C and D to solve their problems, and they do that and it doesn't work, it makes it less likely that they will trust other people again with their problems. We're all survivors here, we know what we have to do, we just need a little courtesy, some sympathy, and some taste.

Thanks for your help.

Thanks for reading it.

This is exactly how I feel about stuff, pain, anger. Sometimes just someone to confirm it, to witness it, to hear it. Not to feel they have to fix it. But the fact that people listen and care. Wow, that's really something isn't it?

Sometimes it just feels so invigorating to get those thoughts out of your head, write them down, and display them for all to see. You find out that those thoughts are acknowledged, understood, and even lived by other people.

Your post made me cry - not just for you, but for myself also.

My father was a racist a**hole too. Most of the physical injuries I received as a child were from me attempting to protect my mother. My mother was too scared to protect me. I think I have a much harder time forgiving her than I do him.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

This.


I seem to be momentarily struck dumb. Otherwise I'd have some overwhelmingly bright response that displayed what a ****ing NUTJOB my mother is and how my sister, who has easter basket grass shoved into her cranium rather than actual gray matter, is ****ing wonderful and a valuable daughter.

*eyes rolling out of my head*

oh and how i'm a glutton for punishment as well, seeing as how I moved back in here with both of them.

I'll come back when the stupid has vacated. it comes from spending too much time in their company.

anyhow, thank you for posting this. you're not alone.

There's still a part of me that thinks posting this was a bad idea. I know this isn't true, and it's because of the supportive and understanding posts I received; it will take time to digest this on an emotional level, but that is going to be a thousand times easier now that I've gotten that out.

It's weird, in some ways it really pisses me off that this had to come from strangers, that all the people in my life that were SUPPOSED to fill these roles let me down, ignored me, lied to me, or caused the problems in the first place. Every time I've ever heard "I love you" or "we care about you" or "this is for your own good" it has been...not only a lie, but a lie with a purpose, and the purpose was to destroy my mind and control me.

The fact that strangers can go out of their way to help another like that fills me with a 50/50 mix of joy and pain, so huge, so profound, I don't know what to do quite yet.

Everyone here said exactly what I needed to hear, and that's the closet thing to love I've ever felt in my life.

Thank you.

I also come from a 'torture chamber' family. My mother only made a grudging admittance of how cruel she had been on her deathbed. Don't start me on my siblings. I've seen the horror.

I think a lot of aspies are outta the boat and we do have to go all the way down the river on foot.

Good luck with your mission! Trust no-one but god.

Family can be a wonderful place, but more often than society care to admit. family is the worst horror we will experience in our lives.

I speak from experience, of course. I feel more secure out in the street at night than I ever felt at home with my """""loved ones"""""".

People go to jail for stealing a wallet, for engaging in sex in forbidden places, etc. Could I take my parents and siblings to trial for ruining my life, for all the mental abuse? Of course not, mental abuse is not considered a crime.

It should be. I realize one can sue a person for "mental distress", but this is rarely taken seriously thanks to all the frivolous lawsuits, and even so, monetary gain is hardly compensation for psychological wounds. I take exceptional insult to these psychic attacks- in my innermost being is something that is sacred and completely "me", and I don't take kindly to people trying to poison and destroy that place. Once that part of someone is marred, they're never the same, and those are the wounds that never fully heal. Overcoming adversities and therapeutic experiences may dull the pain, but there is always a scab, and often the slightest negative experience can reopen it.

When It's family, these injuries are even deeper- as a young child you come to believe that your home is sanctuary, and that these are people you can trust. This sense becomes so ingrained that contradictions to it become unbearable and devastating. You start to think, if my home isn't safe- where am I safe? If I can't trust my family- who can I trust?

I would rather take physical abuse than emotional abuse. I can recover from the former fairly quickly, but psychological sniping and mind games are like prisons for my soul. That kind of assault robs a person of their dignity and personal freedom, and for most people, those things take a lifetime to get back. In essence the people who caused you such pain are stealing from you. I have no tolerance for that kind of vile theft.

Well said.