Our relationship is probably over.

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I'm trying to remember the good things about our relationship.


We had this little stuffed polar bear that his mother had made, and we did disgusting things with it with our friend who is also a member of WrongPlanet and whom I will call Jared, and Stan said "I love you. And our little bear too." We often included the bear when he hugged and kissed (and had sex). I named the bear after Stan and his WP username, though we still always called him The Bear.


When I was pregnant and Stan saw that I wasn't drinking enough water because I didn't like the tapwater, he got me gallons of purified water from the grocery store and eventually got a water filter for tapwater (even though I still didn't drink enough water because I find all water nasty).


When I puked somewhere other than the toilet or outside, he cleaned it up. When he got food stamp money we went through the whole grocery store and he let me pick out anything I wanted. When I was in bed because I didn't feel like doing anything other than lying in bed (because I was pregnant or doped up from meds or having side effects or just depressed or tired), instead of dragging me out of bed and telling me to clean the filthy house, he told me gently, "Get some rest. Goodnight, sweetie." And he kissed me and then left me alone.


When Jared started not helping out financially and just sitting there doing drugs all day and sleeping and watching movies and breaking a cabinet and an antique table and throwing up and leaving stains on the carpet, Stan asked me what I thought we should do about him, rather than just kicking him out.


Stan took me to restaurants. He introduced me to cough syrup as a recreational drug (and when I was high on it I felt better than I had in my whole life with a few exceptions). He always said he loved me. He said I was amazing. He joked with me. He said he wanted to start a family with me. He said that he wanted to marry me, but only if I wanted.


He risked himself to sneak me across the border into the United States when we first met and I was denied entry and barred from the US for 6 months. Once when I was worried I would be banned from WP, he joked that I didn't care that I'd been banned from the United States of America for 6 months but that I cared deeply about not being banned from WrongPlanet.


Those were good times.


He said he didn't understand the anti-Ana54 threads on the ZOMG Aspies! forum. He was against the people who said nasty things about me on that site and joked about them.


When I said I felt depressed enough to start to be suicidal, in the pregnancy clinic when we were asking if my antidepressant was safe during pregnancy, and they said to go to the ER and get another one because my Celexa was not safe, Stan actually asked me if I wanted to go and said he would drive me all the way to Galveston to go to the one ER that would take an illegal immigrant, so that I could get some antidepressants, and he sat with me for like 8 hours in the waiting room there. They didn't give me anything but an Ativan. He researched places that would take illegal immigrants and found the NeuroPsychiatric Center and said he would take me there. He took me there and they admitted me, and he said he was jealous because he had always wanted to be in the hospital. He visited me every day in the Harris County Psychiatric Center. He visited me eevery day once when I was admitted to the NeuroPsychiatric Center too. When I was in the HCPC a second time he visited me every day in there, and in the hospital when I had my baby he visited us every day.


When we were traveling across the country to his home after he sneaked me across the border, he said that if I wanted to go back at any time he would send me back on a bus.


He was modest about his Mensa membership. He didn't even tell me about it. His mother told me.


And there were more good times too.


I'm mourning the loss of him, but I'm glad it's over too, because there were problems that were big. The few things I cared about he let me down on. Like treating me like an intelligent adult who knew what to do in a crisis and treating me like I was conscious and aware even when I was sick. He failed to do those things, so I had to let him go.


And I'm so sad.

I just got another email from him. Instead of apologizing to me for thinking I didn't KNOW how to wash my hair when it was really just me being depressed and my mind wandering, he said "Why do you want to fight all the time? What do you get out of that?" or something like that.


I love him so much still. I still love him like a brother and a fellow Aspie but also still like something else... I can't shake it.


EDITED TO ADD: It's such a shame that I was unable to stand by him in his depression, because I had my own issues. Standing by him would have meant respecting his wishes to hear only positive things, but I needed to tell him the negative things too so that he could learn from his mistakes and not hurt me anymore. But he couldn't handle it, and I'm not going to get an apology from him, at least not for a long time. And now I've found someone who understood me perfectly well RIGHT AWAY. So I'm going with him.

He likes to drown his depression, in computer games and alcohol and antidepressants and that, rather than typing up reasons why he's depressed, like I do. Or maybe he's just clinically depressed for no reason other than that he's clinically depressed, I don't know.

My way of dealing with my depression (which is the only way that works for my kind of depression) is making him depressed, but I have to deal with my depression or I'll get depressed. It's either that, or let his way of dealing with his depression-- refusing to take any negative news-- make me depressed because I can't express to him what he did to me wrong.

Things become so complicated when children are involved. Taking your child from him must really give you something to think about, I know it would be so difficult to leave him there, too.

Merle

I'll try and get joint custody, which is only fair to us and to our son.


I'm so angry at Aspie1 for posting what he/she did in my thread about going to the ER! She missed the point of my thread. Just because I start a bad thread doesn't mean I don't have a lot of good to say about him too. I even said at the bottom of my first post, "I do appreciate him picking up my guts with his bare hands; that's not what this thread is about." But Aspie1 ignored what I said.

He says he thinks I'm fighting because I like to fight. I don't like to have to fight.


I just told him that I'm bringing up the bad stuff about him so that he can reassure me that he'll never do those things again and apologize. All I wanted was a sincere, loving apology, and reassurance. He knows how to do that. He's done it before.


And just because I have a lot to complain about doesn't mean that the stuff I'm complaining about is illegitimate.

He says he apologized and apologized but still I want to fight. I'm complaining about different stuff now though. It was different stuff he apologized for back then. And when he apologized I put it behind me. But I need to get out ALL the stuff in my head that I want an apology for. I think it's that he's just tired of apologizing for things and feeling like a criminal.


But to try and make him not feel that way I posted a lot of good stuff about him. But still he feels that way, like I'm treating him badly.

You have every right to be upset; when you complain publicly, you are inviting examination and criticism. In the Haven, attacks are not allowed, but that does not mean that every response is going to agree with your decisions or feelings, or provide accolades for you. At the same time, your right to be upset doesn't equate to creating multiple threads on the same subject, or publicly excoriating him in detail in a public forum. That's really inappropriate in my opinion, to drag someone through public abuse due to your discontent. Remember that it was only when he didn't meet your expectations that things changed; people are not perfect, they have failings and faults, do the wrong things for the right reasons, and to hold others to impossible standards of personally demanding behaviors is something doomed to failure in my opinion. Be upset, and know it is valid; also be aware that by complaining you are externalizing the blame for things to an extent.


M.

He just emailed me and said: "you didn't reply to a lot of my questions. and why are you sending me
to where you publicly try to humiliate me, when you could talk to me
here?"


I said back to him: "Because you refused to talk about those incidents. So I had to talk to other people about it to get moral support. "




The tragedy is that I didn't expect much from him at all, I expected just a few things but he fell short of that. Even though he never fell short of anything else, he fell short of the few things I cared about.


Also, he said that I had a simplistic view of how he felt... that he just didn't like to hear negativity. Well, he had a horribly simplistic view of my feelings... thinking I just wanted to fight because I liked fighting.

Talking to someone about your issues and upsets is one thing; to violate their privacy by doing this in public is something entirely different, something that I do not agree with... what you are doing here isn't right by my standards. Using peoples' real name, sharing specific details of events... it's really inappropriate. I do not question the validity of your feelings or your need to talk, but what you are doing here isn't right - either talk about feelings and do not further humiliate the fellow, or talk to someone privately.


M.

For the record, I tell him or show him every single thing I say in this thread. Trying to make him understand. Not just about how he hurt me, but about how I'm sorry I have to hurt him in order to help myself.


I admit that I made up some stuff to be upset at him about, like when I said he treated me like a ret*d and like when I said he tried to parent me. Those were the closest explanations I had to what actually happened during the incidents I was upset at him about in the first place, and it was really far away from what actually happened. It was because I didn't know how to explain what actually happened properly, and I was frustrated that I couldn't and had to express my upset at what he did some way. And I'm sorry it took me so long to explain why I made up stuff about him and to apologize for it.

Last edited by Ana54 on 15 Mar 2009, 4:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ana, that's not my point at all - whether he knows about it or not is irrelevant to what I'm trying to convey... it is rather disrespectful of you to post about him publicly, by name, reviling in details of the personal life you two shared and continuing to denigrate him in more than one thread. And now you're saying that you've made things up in the process? I know this is the Haven, but that doesn't give you license to make things up that hurt and embarrass another individual. Damage done to a person, whether their reputation, their integrity, their self-confidence... these things are not easily repaired and cannot be taken back. Please, take a moment and think about what you would do if someone started sharing every instance where they felt you had let them down or failed in a public arena in front of you... how that might impact you, now and in the future. I don't mean to be a jerk, that is not my intent... but I feel what you are doing is crossing a line of privacy, at least from my perspective.


M.

I didn't make anything up that I posted in this thread or in the other threads. I meant when I was talking to him alone, I would say "You do this" or "You do that".

Edited to add: I changed his name when the moderator asked me to and yes, one thread with all of it combined in it would have sufficed, but I'd already started the thread about a particular incident when I remembered another one, and then I'd already gotten replies to those threads when I made the third one. I probably shold have just changed hte title and edited the first post to include all my experiences, though, you're right.

[locked at member's permission by sinsboldly]