Rants

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Let's cut the charade. I can tell you hate me, even though I may have some emotional issues. I'm not stupid.

All you have to do is work with me on a professional level. Treat me the same way YOU want ME to treat you. You can't hide it anymore. I don't know what the hell I ever did to you.

You use me when you go on vacation to take care of your beta fish - that's right, I got your number....and you know what? I like your little fish! He's innocent and cute and he likes me.

I hate working with these women....hate it!

*%&$ I"m already behind in my classes. WTF it's only been a week!! !!

I am so tired of the questioning of my integrity. Why do I waste my time?

Really.

I get so up and down over my relationship. I get really up whener i see my boyfriend then drift down over a few days when he doesn't see me back to wondering why he is with me? The worst part is, he is just acting the same way I do, socialising then taking a few days to recharge. I am just used to other people crowding me and making me all upset. Gah.

i hate coming to the house in which i live after rallies or other happy events. it's like i'm flying high and i'm really happy or just happy(which once upon a time would have been an unusual event) and then i come to the house and i fall so hard and it's so bad. so so bad. i feel so down here and the stuff that used to make me happy just makes me feel bad. i hate mood swings.

Why do you care? It's always been this way.


Because, even though I know I can be difficult to get along with, I am making a huge effort.


That doesn't matter. There will always be some people who just don't "get" you and people who don't like you.


But I don't want to be DIS-liked, I would rather have people think of me neutrally. Not like we're ever gonna hang out and I wouldn't want to.


You can't force people to like you or change their feelings. Deal with it.

I learned a new term today. Gaslighting. It's when you're in a relationship and your partner tries to convince you that a problem is all in your head or that you are purposely making it up. Sounds pretty damn familiar to me.
Unrelated: What reaction did you expect me to have when you woke up at four in the morning and decided to do laundry? How would you react if I woke up at 2am to do a task you'd been offering to do for weeks, then left it half-completed for you to deal with anyway, in a now sleep-deprived state? Except it'd be like I woke up and did that and also turned on your shower and started banging on your wall. And then when you woke up and asked me what the hell I was doing I called you a lazy useless bastard for wanting to sleep until the time for which your alarm was set.
You act like I sit around and do nothing all day because I wake up a couple hours after you do. Never mind that when you guys are home from work I'm still on my feet for hours taking care of your needs.

so today i was talking to a guy i was just introduced to by someone who knows both of us and she goes to the loo and we were both at the rally for aboriginal rights an thursday and the first thing he says to me is "why didnt you talk to me?", "i didnt notice you there" and it made me feel uncomfortable and i couldnt answer it so i just made awkward noises and eventually spat something out. then i was going to make awkward conversation and we started doing that when someone else siddles over and interupts me and talks over me and another guy comes and does the same so theyre having a three way and im instantly out of the conversation. there wasnt even a transition period. i couldnt get back in. i'd talk and be outright ignored or theyd look really shocked that i'd said something and was butting in to their private conversation. it was really awkward since we were in a circle and they didnt close it so i was outside. it was so rude and blatant and made me feel unwelcome & worthless. its like why are you even here VM? what made you think you have a right to talk or voice your opinions? theyre not worth anything afterall. and you never talk anyway so you wouldnt mind if we just saved you the trouble right?

Feck it, I don't really have something sensible to do with myself right now, do I?

bleh. all thoughts with no use.

I'm really jealous of people who get prescribed with Strattera.

Hmm. I took Ritalin when I tested for AD(H)D, and I reported a generally positive affect. Upon reading, I thought that Strattera would be like that, only it would last longer. I expressed a wish for something that'll last me the whole day to help me function. But the approach where I got the diagnosis was that people only take the medications for studying (or abuse it, so I was told).

I wonder, do I do the good I try? Do I leave people better off for having known me?

Perhaps I should try harder.

Why am I such a f*****g a**hole? The closer I get to people the more I hurt them...

I f*****g hate myself.

I wish I knew how to do more common sense things!

I always find myself doing nonsensical things that most people don't seem to do, and everyone outside my family finds me slightly crazy. I feel bitter about it, and I get short with my parents because of it and other problems with my life.

I need to stop being such a c word all the time just because I'm insecure about myself. It doesn't do my family any good. It doesn't do me any good.

I could go on, but I'd rather work on my problems than write about them. Makes me feel even less accomplished.