Verbal Communications Differences and Difficulties Sticky

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I don't post much on WP. I never feel like I fit in. But here, in this thread, I finally do.

I go nonverbal... at least for some time everyday. I was talkative as a young child, but over the past few years especially, I've gotten very quiet. All through my life, though, I've gotten stretches of time (a few minutes up to a day or so) that I'm nonverbal. Certain situations make me lose my words. I won't go through all of them, but one of the things that causes it is when I feel overwhelmed. I just can't find my words. They all float around in my head but I can't peg them down to speak them.

The problem is that my sister and her fiance, along with her fiance's parents, are coming tomorrow and staying for four days. I haven't met the parents, but the mother is extremely talkative and, my mom even said, a little overwhelming. What if I lose my words? I'm so afraid to appear rude. I want to talk to her, but if she's loud and in my space, I might get overwhelmed and lose them.

Advice, anyone? Please? I'm so worried. I don't think anyone's told the parents about my autism.

^ SuperTrouper: Quite a question! And you're right in that this could be difficult to broach.

For me, often enough (really uncomfortable event just this Tuesday), I can *almost* know I am verbally overwhelmed where I am at an impasse. Yet the other one, although they likely do not even know, almost push harder for me to communicate when I'm just not inclined. I wish I could let them know, somehow, that I need STOP, pause for a while, maybe even answer LATER (even the next day if necessary) and write. Seems the harder 'they' push the harder it can be. Frustrating for me and almost not too fair for the other since I just cannot communicate adequately. Invariably, the "other" doesn't get it....and they keep pushing (worst case scenario: I'm crying or exhausted/frustrated and NEED to stop).

I guess maybe you could explain, briefly, beforehand. You did mention that you'd rather not disclose but I almost do not know a way otherwise. One way some (ASD individuals) can signal they don't want to speak (or cannot) is by colored wristbands
where RED = Please do not expect a response and I need to be alone/quiet. YELLOW = You may speak to me and I'll try to respond but let's use care. GREEN = We can talk now and I'd like to be friendly. But, again, this might be too drastic since they don't really know.

But I guess you could let them do the talking and just express that you're interested and listening but may not be able to respond/interact in the way they'd expect. You could have the others cover for you too; to fill-in when you're not speaking.

Do you have a mini white board (the kind with dry erase markers)? Some here have said this works well and gives you pause time before you're pushed to speak. Or schedule alternate activities, like outside walks or leisure sport where talking is not really necessary.

My mom said that she's told the woman that I don't like loud noises or lots of talking, and that I get overwhelmed easily. I asked if she'd please tell her that I have autism, and she said that if she calls before they get here, she'll tell her. I'd rather have people KNOW why I act like a weirdo than make up their own explanations in their minds, you know? Disclosure is a (very) personal choice, but I would rather do it. No matter how social I am, I still don't seem "normal."

I spend the afternoon with cats, so I will be in as good of shape as I could possibly be. Cats are my solace. My strength, even. I love cats, and I glean so much from their presence. My "cat battery," so to speak, was recharged by playing with cats all afternoon at the animal shelter. I should be fairly verbal for a fairly long time, for me. That might mean staying in the room with the people for 20 or 30 minutes intead of 5 or 10. I'll take what I can get. And when I need a break, I'll go find my cat. She doesn't like having people over either... she gets it.

I love the idea of the wrist bands. I can think back through the last week or two in my head and label the days.... oh, that was a green day I had. Yesterday was a red day, where I wasn't verbal for many hours. I'm not sure that I could deal with switching bands all the time, but I could teach the people in my life to ask me before they start talking to me what color day I'm having. That's a great idea.

The only little white board I have is attached to the back of the basement door for the purposes of my parents making chores lists for me. I have my computer, and I type when I can't speak. With my parents, if I can't speak, I just don't. But my best friend will let me type away and will respond verbally. It's a great system. If I ever have money (ha), I'll get a NEO or a DANA and communicate that way. It would make life so much less stressful.

Sometimes I worry that I'm going to lose my words permanently or semi-permanently. When it's just for hours or even a day at a time, I can work around it by rescheduling, canceling, etc. But I feel it building up, like it's going to explode and stick around for quite a while. I don't know what I'd do. My parents wouldn't understand and would be angry. I guess if I try to stay quiet for longer periods of time now, it might help me to "save up" my words, sort of.

Does anyone else lose their words sometimes, but have some verbal ability other times? I can never speak like I type. I'm a one-word response kind of girl. I'm just curious if anyone else is like me. Is it just part of having autism?

I think you're right - to disclose, in your instance, probably would be best. In my opinion, I think to say, for example, "She has a speech problem" or "She's just not feeling well right now" is contrived. The truth is best - they have no right to be critical at all (in theory).

I actually do quite well. I am high-functioning (Aspie) but I suspect most all ASD individuals, to some degree, do experience this phenomena. One of the triad of impairments if "difficulty with communication" and that can mean even just expressing oneself as do others. This does happen to me, of course. You're not alone.

About a DANA or NEO: NEO, by alphasmart, is much more affordable and can often be covered by medical insurance. I believe it's ~ $150. Worth the price as keyboarding can be much easier. About the colored wristbands - you could try practically anyplace online! Good luck, and enjoy your cats

She didn't call, and my mom didn't tell her. I don't know for sure if anyone has told her specifically or not, now. My sister could have at some point. I assume my sister's fiance knows, but I'm not sure.

I'm hiding in the family room in the dark, because it's noisy, and the dark cuts down on the sensory stimulation. My cat is with me. Everyone is talking in the other room. I already hate this. I want to be with the people, but I don't know how. I don't know what to say, and at this point, I'm running out of words. What if someone talks to me? Do I ignore the person? Believe it or not, I don't end up in this situation very often.

The mother has made me extremely uncomfortable. She forced me to make very close eye contact with her (she was showing me how she would talk to her elementary school students). I awkwardly looked away. I couldn't handle it. And she keeps touching me. I'm going to seem rude if I say, "Please don't touch me." Maybe she heard me ask my mom not to touch me like 6 separate times tonight. Maybe she'll stop. I like her though; she's very nice. Just not autism-friendly.

Oh, SuperTrouper.....I think you're being way to hard on yourself. This is just one encounter and if you cannot speak it's not your fault. I cannot imagine another would judge your for your given condition - you did nothing wrong. In fact, if you're feeling sick/uncomfortable, which is very understandable, then just excuse yourself and rest/relax.

Don't force yourself. BTW, that forced eye contact is not good - maybe just remove yourself from them and you have every right to do so.

this thread on silence has been very very helpful for me. Thanks for making and keeping it! i feel i need silence ever more. both on the outside and also the inside. when i dare being more silent and consciously, deliberately embracing my autism it actually makes me more whole and functioning. a lot more so!!

LabPet, have you always had trouble communicating? How verbal are you? I'm just curious to have found someone like me. I haven't met anyone in my autism/Asperger's group who seems to struggle like I do, completely losing their words. Although, maybe it just doesn't happen to them when I can see it. Still, a lot of them are actually very gregarious, almost in your face.

This is excellent advice, I'm going to introduce it into my daily life immediately. Thank-you

I am an Aspie but regardless ASD imply difference in communication. In actuality, I think I do quite well and I'm learning more along the way. I imagine most nearly all Wrong Planet inhabitants, to whatever degree, have this inherent "communication disorder" that is a diagnostic hallmark. In some ways, maybe akin to the culture of the Deaf. I can and do speak although there are times I wish spoken language would go away.

I think, for me anyway, the best thing is never isolate oneself. I am progressing into my PhD program so I know to always integrate. I am science/math oriented and this is a universal language.

I've returned to this forum though I'm not sure how well I'm going to do and all but, I'll try..

LabPet, I know what you mean about differences in communication. But the vast majority of people with Asperger's I've met in real life tend to talk a LOT. They never stop talking. It makes it hard for me to talk to them at all, because I'm so overwhelmed. They are repetitive and use far more words than is necessary to say something simple.

I talk to some people better than other people. Namely, I talk best around my best friend and my mom, who don't pressure me. I think because I'm calm, I can use more words. I can be fairly verbal around people I'm comfortable with. The less comfortable I am, the less verbal I am. I have trouble getting any words out around brand new people.

Tomorrow I have a job interview. I've never met the interviewer, but I have to be verbal. The job is caretaking of animals at the no-kill animal shelter where I volunteer. It's my dream job. I really hope it goes okay. If I get hired I'll tell them about my autism for sure, because I can't function like I don't have it and I tend to get in trouble at work if I don't bring it up. If I'm not interviewing well, I might tell them during the interview, but I'm going to try not to do that. Only if it's showing a lot and I need a reason for my struggling to talk.

Good luck to you on your job interview! I imagine you'll do well (whether you choose to divulge or not).

I am an Aspie. I've been around some, of course, and not all are chatty! In fact, like myself, there's plenty who aren't so much. There's considerable variation. Wrong Planet inhabitants display the whole range in terms of verbal communication. But communicating does not directly equate to "verbal" either as there are various means of communication. Even those Aspies who are talkative tend to show real lags in actually connecting to others; part of our way of being. I can and do speak but I know precisely what you mean about that imposed "need" to be overtly verbal with others.

Maybe this is why so many ASD individuals, like yourself, do so well with animals! You *might* mention this wonderful attritube at your interview! You have a veritable planet of references too - a Wrong Planet.

I might add....sometimes if one has any "differences," such as difficulty with talking, you could discretely inform their Human Resources Dept (or equivalent) beforehand, or, better yet, have a medical provider (or another, like a family member). Just so all goes smoothly.

Well, I got the job and I never had to discuss autism at all! The woman interviewing me wouldn't have noticed (or cared) if I were green, purple, upside down, or what. It's not that she doesn't care about what she does, I can just tell that she doesn't care if I'm a little different.

I get to try out the job this Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. If I like it and they like me, I'll officially be on. I think I'll wait until after the trial period to tell them to show what a good worker I am. But I'm not going to wait until I have a problem to divulge it... that would be silly.

This is a great job because I won't have to speak to anyone! I'll be taking cares of dogs, cats, and rabbits. They don't require speech

Congratulations, that is brilliant news well done

I can only wish all a peaceful day today...