Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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Du,

What are the odds? I am autistic, not a mincing idiot. Quid pro quo.

Mich.

Dear you,

I am sorry. I don't think you will ever know how much I loved you, and still love you. I wouldn't go back and if I did, I wouldn't change any of the actions that I took but I regret every single day how things turned out. If you had loved me half of the amount that I loved you, maybe things would have been different. But you didn't and they weren't. A large part of me still wishes that they were, though. Even now, 4 years later.

I would have done anything for you. Anything, that is, except stay with you after realizing that you did not care for me. I deserve to be cared for by someone. I just wish it had been you.

I know that you do not think of me fondly and probably blame me for ruining your life and taking everything away from you. I wonder if you can see that I only took what I brought and if that was "everything" that was because I had given you everything. I wonder if you would choose to change anything about the way you treated me then if you could.

I've "moved on" and I have a new family. But I will never love anyone the way that I loved you. I wish that you had deserved it.

- Me

To whom it may concern.

Today is another day when i am reminded just how much i dont fit in. A piece of a jigsaw, but im living in a mechano set. Try as i might, i cannot attach to anything else here, but i can sit in various places and admire the view. Sometimes i have to move, as being a jigsaw piece i will get easily damaged by all this mechano, but you learn to do it on instinct now, so every cloud and all that.

Just wish that i could find someone who actually DOES know what the f**k im talking about every now and then, who actually IS listening. After all these years to suddenly realise that youve not been listening at all, and have been feeding me random responses designed to placate me, is a real eye opener.

But, like all thats happened before, i will continue to try and find my box, because the one thing i have learnt (after all my failed suicide attempts) is that no matter how hard i try, i cant even do that right, so im going to make the most of it while im here. That means im going to step on all your toes, voice my erratic opinions, chat to ppl that are inappropriate for me to talk to, and damn well squeeze what little enjoyment i can out of this giant cold world that you all love so f**king much and think is so great.

On a personal level, i am basically bored of this one now, so whoever is in charge, can you pull the plug and wake me up, because im so convinced that all this is fake and im actually floating in a tank somewhere being tested for krist knows what, that i nearly stepped infront of a truck to see if my theory was correct. And if that stupid man in the bank looks at me wrong again on tuesday, im going to walk right up to him and french kiss him just to see if i can break "life" and wake myself up in that little glass tank.

Yours sincerely,
I want my money back, its not working like i was promised.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUiTQvT0W_0&feature=relmfu[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZKDhrA2wlw[/youtube]

xxx

Dearest,

I'm sorry for my impulsivity earlier in the month; it was wrong for me to contact you after pushing you away so abruptly this summer. I never wanted to remove you from my life, but as you were so fond of talking about your new love interest only six months after we broke up, it was a necessary move for my sanity.

I want to understand you. The notion of never knowing why you chose to end things in the manner you did is maddening to say the least. When I met you, I wasn't looking for a relationship. After recovering from the abuse in my prior excuse of a relationship, I just wanted a friend that I could feel close to without crossing those boundaries that are synonymous with a guaranteed ugly ending. Then I met you; eyes glinting like the summer sky, of which was dimmed only by your heart-melting smile. Shyly confident, boy-ish good looks, and with just an awkward enough social grace that I couldn't help but become transfixed on the beautifully fascinating creature that you were to me.

We connected instantly. Though we lived an hour apart, you always seemed to find excuses to be 'in the area.' Walks along the pier, through the market; our feet never faltered in keeping up with our exuberance and energy. You loved that I would follow you on wild adventures, and I loved that you made it feel possible for me to step so far outside my comfort zone. I wanted to climb out of my shell and experience the unknown world around me; I wanted to stay in step with you and never miss a moment. You made me feel alive.

You loved that I was different, awkward, and a bit eccentric. You loved that I love my cat so much, that I would quote Star Wars in daily conversation and rant about the current standing of the plot on Battlestar Galactica the same way someone would about work drama or something pertaining to reality. The morning after the Fourth of July, after you had stayed the night just so we could stay up talking while watching fireworks from my window, I knew that you were something special. You seemed to understand me, without me even needing to explain.

A few months later, I move in due to not being able to afford the rising rent of my apartment. The day we broke up, you had said to me, "It just isnt't the same anymore; I feel like we moved in together too fast," and I knew you were right. I feigned enthusiasm on moving day, but knew in my heart that it would ultimately spell out our end. Then, my then-undiagnosed Aspie traits that I tried so desperately to hide from you began to show. You began to show your true colors too. When I came to learn of this secret love of yours, this girl that was hidden so plainly in view, my heart stopped. When you told me that this girl would be moving in with us, I tried to withhold my objection. Soon, her picture was on our fridge, as were love notes and things that made me hurt inside every time I saw them. My blissful ignorance shattered with my rose-tinted shades.

I don't even want to write any more; It's not that I'm overcome with sadness or anything, I'm just sick of how much I've thought about you. I wrote you a few days ago to tell you that I have Asperger's in hopes that it may enlighten you as to why I behaved so "dysfunctionally" towards the end of our relationship; why I wound up getting epilepsy tested by a team of neurologists for a week to try and figure out why I was having these "seizures," only to be told that they are anxiety-related and "Do you have anything particularly stressful going on in your life?"

"Well, aside from my live-in girlfriend having another girl she claims to be in love with and expects me to be okay with her to be moving in with us when I was never previously notified of our polyamorous status that I abjectly am against, no, not really Doctor. You know, the one that signed a contract saying she would be here with me 100% of the time I'm being tested, and how she's not here? Yeah, she's out getting a tattoo right now. What a girl, eh?"

No, I don't have anything else to say to you right now. I just wanted you to understand why I can't talk to you; the girl I'm still in love with and so completely confused by that has a new girlfriend she pridefully displays the second we speak to each other. I have Asperger's. I may never understand why you DON'T understand. And I am learning to be okay with that. I won't lie, part of me wished you would have written me back, but I know its for the best that you don't.

Love,
Me

Dear-


i know exactly what you've done- im not as a stupid and niave as you seem to think i am.

if i didnt love you so darm much id have kicked the s**t out of you.! !!


But we've been trough so much togther and i still love you ( good knows why!! !!) im not giving up on you yet....

rox xx

Dear-

im sorry for not bieng who you want me to be im sorry for bieng a crap daughter


i didnt ASK to be born a f*****g freak of nature. I didnt ask to be me.


you have one perfect daughter make do with that

Dear You,

I thought I was done being broken. Maybe a little fragile, but intact. Then these pockets of grief come out of nowhere and I realize maybe I am one crack from shattered all over again. I keep telling myself I don't need to be rescued but gosh, some days it would be nice to have someone stand and hold everything together for a little while. Or maybe just bring some superglue?

Me

Okay, you're right, I was wrong. Next time I need a hearty helping of contempt, belittlement, and complete character assassination I know where to venture. I just need to spit the vitriol out and keep on chugging I guess. Pot. Kettle. Black.

Deleted.

Dear -

The dagger should have never been carried, let alone unsheathed, and there isn't a fibre in my body that isn't willing for a slow painful death...tongue tauntingly sliding over the blade; mocking the remaining measure of trust you foolishly put in...
Words alone can't express how I feel...I can't even fathom what I feel for you...

Perhaps we can meet and give our farewells sometime.

-Vera

i love you. i'm sorry for everything. i know you were beginning to hate me, you said so yourself.

thank you for loving me as a child. that was the last thing i said to you. thank you. thank you for not giving up on me and thank you for holding me at night. thank you for not minding if i bit you. thank you for not ostracizing me or making me feel weird even though i was weird. you were the best parent in the world. i hope you know. i'm so f*****g sorry. i'm trying to be nicer.

i am so sorry for what i've done. even though i know all is well between you and i, it doesn't stop the guilt. it doesn't stop the question: 'why?' the reason i know is because i love you and you love me. weren't we strong? i'm still here. i'm so f*****g proud of you. if you only knew. was it hard for me? yes and no. i'm tougher than you ever thought, ok? did you know i love you so much that i would bear more weight, more pain than i did for you, more often, i would do it a million times. i would do it.
i was not afraid. i love you.
i love you. i know you love me, too. mama loves you.

always your girl

Dear Someone

Get off your high horse before you fall and break your neck. You can act like I'm wrong for telling others what you've done, you can parade around saying you're more trustworthy because of it, but we both know that's not true. Using me for your own selfish desires was wrong and you know it! You can act like the last 10 months and myself meant nothing to you, but they did to me. We have been through so much together and for you to go and do what you did was disgusting, degrading and shattering. I have given you so many second chances, I have stood up for you, I have even brought you back from the brink of death and you think that allows you to walk all over me? Words cannot describe how much it hurt to find out that everything I've had to go through for you in the past couple of months, was all a sham. You are a disgusting, deceitful, attention seeking, tool. Y'know what? Stay on that high horse so I can laugh when you fall off!


From

Ooccoo

Dear ----,

I just wish you could have told me what I did that was so wrong. I would have apologised if I had hurt you so badly. But I can't think of anything I said or did that would have upset you so much. And it isn't just you, there are so many others who have treated me like this.

If only you would tell me, maybe I could move on. I'm having many better days than I was, but I'm pretty much a recluse and scared to let anyone in, in case this happens again. It keeps happening and I don't know how to stop it.

All I did was love you, was that so wrong?