I keep hitting my head and face.

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Thank you so much for posting that. I feels so nice to know people care. I'm really thankful for your post.

Hi Just me, sorry for beeing a bit slow replying this I hope you see it soon. Im not so good in long and focused writing but felt this time you are worth the effort and the time

First of all thank you for sharing your words with us. I see a fragile person behind your vurneable words, just as your avatar appears. Its like you would only need a soft and warm and safe long hug from someone you feel you can trust. I hope this someone excist near you.

I will do as gbollard, bring on a bunch of quotings:

Yes please rest, from everything you need rest from. All your words seemes so incredible tired, just as your soul are. Get your rest and your strenght!
When you one day will get yourself a new account, please let me know and I will be there to support your songs



We will!


Then think of that when you feeling down. That there is people out here who like what you do and listen and care. Keep the topic nearby and pop in and read it when you need some energy
I searched for it to give you the link easy at hand but didnt find it now, sorry that I didnt take more time for that (loose patience very fast)



Im glad to know that. Sleep is so essential for life beeing the better way. If you sleep bad then the days gets worse. To be able to sleep properly also helps your soul to rest from the heavy days when you feel so burden of your life. Your soul gets great rest in sleeping and maybe you are also working with your troubled past in your dreams. Sleep gives you energy to be able to cope with the days better and somehow also fast forward a bit of dark periods of life...



It certainly is good. Just that you are aware of it is great enough!



Its understandable you have a very wounded soul. My past is also constantly chasing me and its hard to deal with but you have the will to try to move on in life. Try to forgive and try to meet yourself of today and yourself of the past. I know its a very difficult task. But hang on there and dont give up. You know sometimes you really have to walk towards and into the fire, no matter how much it hurts to meet it, its sometimes the only way to heal yourself from it, to confront it and deal with it once and for all. To be able to move on. I wish you the greatest good luck with this and I hope that you dont give up!!



Such a naked and fragile phrase of yours. You know what you can do. I see you have the talent in writing, and you have the talent in singing. You can make a song out of the words you have written here. That can be one way trying to recover...



Its relieving to know that you see that you need to take care of yourself rather than punish and hurt yourself. You have come very far with only feeling this. Keep going!!



Its certainly not odd to me and neither gbollard and others who have entered this thread. We care and read your words and care about you as an idividual



Thats nice to know, I like to support if I feel I can so you are welcome to write more whenever you need to
I cant promise I can reply fast as said before I have hard with longer posts here on WP, Im very random and fast but I promise I will read your words!

my self am going through something similar, you recently replied to my post, and I can say just try to focus on something beautiful, or happy, and if it makes you feel better I couldn't care if you were the oddest person in the word you feel more like a sister to me, your extremely helpful, please keep going on my behalf!

Hang in there! We all care about you!

I CAN TOTALLY RELATE! When I'm really overwhelmed, I would hit my head, slap myself in the face and choke myself until I feel light headed and start crying like crazy.

I feel like I want to be knocked out until all the evil madness in my head and in reality stops. I often blame my parents all the time and want to pick fights with him. They can move on but I can't.

My boyfriend is that person sadly he is far away. we talk everyday over skype and he tried his best to help me. I see sometimes he feels helpless like he cant really do much to help me because he is so far away. He does try though. He always lets me call him no matter what time of night or day it is. and he tries his best to help me.

I really just want to give him a hug again cause i feel so sad sometiems and i wish he was here. I"m saving up my money so i can fly over to see him. I'm terrified of planes but i want to see him so I'm going to face my fear of flying.

I wonder sometimes if him and i will ever live together i wonder why we have to be so far apart . I get so sad about it sometimes. He is the guy i have been looking for all my life and i want to be with him again. We both are broke so its hard to immigrate cause neither of us is able to work . I never give up hope, nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Besides i know in my hart everything will work out somehow.

I have no one here around me i can really open up to my family are better then they were but i just cant trust them . They often turn information against me later. I know they love me there just messed up.

I have no really friends ,only people i have are ones I've helped . They like me but they would never accept the real me so i have to act around them. I really have no one in this country. My love and my life lyes in England i suppose.

Its so sad the life ive lived its only now becoming bearable.
I just dont feel happy yet.



sorry it took so long for me to reply I'm just trying to take it easy. I didn't feel like posting lately cause i just didn't feel up to it but i figured you all would understand.


Thank you for making such a caring post. I'm still dealing with stuff and it really helps to know people care.

I'm glad you'll check out my channel when I'm able to make a new one.



I think what is eating me up now is things I've done. I betrayed my boyfriend when we frist met. I lied to him and covered up the truth. He forgave me but i know it still affects him. I hate myself for what i did but i cant change it .

I feel so bad about the past. i cant undo it and i cant make it go away. I think about what i did and i just want to die. I just want to start over fresh with my life. no mistakes and no harm done to others.

It was not my intention to hurt him but i did all the same. I wont write what i did cause i don't think he would want me to . I just feel guilty about it all the time and the more i bring it up to him the more it upsets him.

I cant undo the damage and i don't know how to forgive myself.

I am trying not to him myself Ive started binge eating again. That's better then hitting myself so thats good.

i think i hit myself for several reasons.

I do it when I'm mad at myself. I do it when i feel and emotion i cant express and hitting gets it out. I do it when i lose control of a situation and i get frustrated by it.


I'm just so stressed and angry at myself i don't know how to get past it.

i often feel like dying would be good. I don't really want to die i just want a chance to start fresh with no mistakes.

Thank you so much! that helped me to read your post. it nice to know people care. especially when it is in the platonic sence. It makes me feel cared for and i safe without worrying about guys hitting on me.

It means alot when someone care's about me, for me and there is no other motives involved.

Yea thats how i feel when i do it. I also feel like i want to tear my body to pieces because i hate myself.

My boyfriend is trying to help me see why i am a good person. He is trying to help me see how much i help him every day and how kind i am .

I just don't see it though. I just hate myself and i cant get past it.

I wont do this. But what i would like to do , what i feel would make me feel better is if i kicked the carp out of myself. Like totally beat myself up till I'm bruised all over and maybe had a few broken bones.

i want to punish myself for being a bad person i just hate myself so much i really want to kick the crap out of me so i feel like Ive payed for being such a bad person.

I really really hate myself i just want to tear my skin off . I'm sorry if my post upsets anyone i just am so angry at myself. I really don't like myself.
I feel like i do everything wrong and I'm just worthless.
I'm not going to do any of this i just felt like writing it down so i can express my self hate in a safer way.

I dont know why i hate myself but i have sence i was young. I stabbed myself with a pencil in 5th grade i think that was the first time i self harmed.


I remember my dad used to hit me over the head when i was bad. I remember hearing the cracking sound on my skull. my vision would go white and then fade back until i could see again.
I think I'm just trying to punish myself that way cause its the only way i know of dealing with things.


I'm so sick of working on all my problems all the time.

For most of my life all i ever did was try to fix myself. I'm tired of fixing myself i need a rest form it. I just want to be me even if that means being broken..


i cant change the damage my parents caused me and i cant change how messed up it made me . I don't know what i want, i just want something i cant quiet figure out what it is though.

I think i want to feel cared for i never had that as a child. i was always frightened or confused. I never felt safe until i spent time with my boyfriend i never knew what it felt like to feel truly safe.

I remember as a child the doctors would ask me if i felt safe. I would say yes cause i knew that was the answer they wanted to hear. I figured that out quickly.

All my therapy as a child was about answering there questions how they wanted . I never told them the truth and i never opened up. I learned psychology and used it to just through there hoops as easy and quickly as possible.

They didn't want to help me with my problems. If i was sad all they did was out me on more drugs.

I used to pee my pants in high school cause i was on so many pills. I fell asleep standing up and lost control of my limbs.

That was because i kept getting more upset. so there solution was to add more pills and up my dosage. Taking the highest dosage on 5 different pills will not help.

I was abused by my parents and the doctors. doctors don't care, your paying them to care , so it is false compassion.

all my life i was let down by everyone around me until i met my boyfriend. He was the first and ONLY person in my life to truly care.

He spent day after day with me when all i did was cry endlessly. he used to try to say something funny and sometimes he would get me to smile for a second or 2.

I usually only cry a few times a day and that is a huge difference from what i used to be like. I have him to thank for it. He took the time and effort to care.


Now i also have all of you. you listen and care, you don't shut me up with pills of fists of rage. you don't run away from me if i don't cheer up fast enough. you care because you really care and there are no motives involved.

thanks for caring i hope i made it clear why it is such a amazing thing to me when people show me kindness and caring.


Thanks for always being here no matter what i write.

Just me,

Do you think that we all need to be punished?

I'm only asking this because I don't think that you realise that everytime you hurt yourself, you're also hurting everyone around you who cares for you.

We don't want to see you hurt.
We don't want to hear about you being hurt.
(and we don't want to discover that you've been doing these things secretly either). It hurts.

If you really feel the need to punish yourself for something then do it in a constructive way. Pick time that you might otherwise have spent enjoying yourself and go help someone else. Someone who needs help. That way, you're helping someone while at the same time "paying your dues".

It's obvious that you're childhood situation and the memories associated with that are holding you back. I think you need to talk that out with someone.

But...

Not fix yourself.

Talking things out should be about letting go. I know that these people get paid to work and I know that sometimes it seems like they don't care. If that happens, you've got the wrong person. Just as with every other profession, there are people out there who love what they do and who really do care about the people who come to see them. You need to find someone who can do that for you. If your boyfriend was local, it probably wouldn't be necessary but you need someone you can turn to.

You're not broken and you don't need fixing. This is the whole crux of the issues with the curebie movement. They just don't seem to understand that different isn't broken.

Different is nice. Sometimes ... different is better.

Your boyfriend sounds like quite a guy and it's more than just "you're lucky to have him". I think he's lucky to have you too. Most guys do everything they can for their girlfriends and get nothing in return. It's obvious from your posts that you love him deeply and that it only takes a few words from him to make you smile. You probably don't realise how a single smile from you is gold to other people. One day you will.

A smile from a sad person is worth a lot more than one from a happy person.

I only hit my face once and cut myself once....I was having a really bad toothache and needed to make a ''distraction" so I didnt notice the pain in my tooth.It worked to some extent but not much....Luckily, I found some flu pills which had some pain reliever, and was able to make it till the am and get some orajel and tylenol at the store.

Its NOT your fault YOUR PARENTS are complete @$$holes....Your parents should be punished, NOT you. If you dont live with them anymore, I recommend you sue them for the way they were to you.

I hit myself again. not hard enough to bruise but i still did it. I really tried not to but it seemed impossible for me to stop myself.

It was cause i felt like i couldn't/shouldn't speak. but i spoke. for some reason speaking made me feel very upset. then i got furious and other emotions i cant describe and i went mental.

i hit my face a few times but not as hard as last time.

I'm trying to stop but i really couldn't help it.

I worry you guys might start thinking I'm doing this for attention but I'm not.

I don't know why i feel i cant talk . And i don't know why it makes me react in a violent way towards myself.

I also started throwing things and tried to break several of my most prized possessions, i dont know why.

I really felt i had no control over my actions. I felt i was fighting to stay in conrol but losing the battel.

Has anyone ever experienced this ? I don't know why i would want to break things i love dearly. even then i didn't want to break them but it was as if it wasn't even me doing it. It was as if my child self was the one doing it.

Is this split personality?^

You're hurting us.

I know you're not doing it for attention but it upsets us all to think that you're doing it.

Unfortunately, I can't relate. I understand about wanting to hurt yourself. I've done it in the past too.

I don't understand about harming possessions (well once - and I've never forgiven myself for it). That didn't feel like split personality... it felt like possession.

I was able to talk to someone i know who lives near me. she said i can call her any time and come over if i feel like hurting myself again.
I'm glad she offered to do that. it was very nice of her.

I just don't have the will to change anymore. I just do see why i should. What is there to look froward to in life. My boyfriends far away .i all messed up and always will be. I keep hurting people around me by being mean.

I feel i should say i want to change but i just don't care. I have spent most of my life working on myself and Ive come a long way but Ive run out of steam to keep it up.

I'm tired and i thought there would be some kind of reward for all the hard work I've done. Some sort of pay out. I have had some like i don't feel as depressed but now I'm just mean. If you ask me i preferred being sad because at least i wasn't hurting anyone else just myself.

I just cant fix myself and I'm done trying.

For years i tried to get someone to help me to to fix me i got nothing but betrayal. Now someone is helping me but im so tired of it all. I dont want to work anymore , fixing myself is so hard. Every day is a battel to do the right things and i always mess up.

I just want to rest and not do anything at all. But i cant somehow there is always somthing to be done i cant rest.

I don't know what i want but im tired of life. I don't want to die i just don't want to play the game of life anymore.
All i do is upset people.

I am sad about things, my mom is ill and i cant treat anyone right i find myself upsetting everyone around me. I try not to but i end up doing it without realizing it.

I'm just so tired. I don't want to do anything. I'm so sad and angry and stressed and paranoid and worried.

My OCD is getting worse and i don t have the will to deal with it right now. Becides my mom being ill i dont have anything to be upset about but im upset.

I'm just broken im defective, im nothing.

Hey Just me,

I have thought of you and your whereabouts, havent catched up with all text here as I have difficulties reading much text but I had you in my mind
Im very glad there is someone nearby you who you can call and visit any time
Its so important to feel that somebody truly cares. I mean we on this forum care about you but we are after all in shape of just words on a screen to you
Not there when you need too for real. So I hope you can keep your nice friend, that she wont betray you and wont abandon you!

But DONT GIVE UP!! !

You are are SOMETHING, a life with value and you are not alone!

Please please please, dont give up in believing in yourself
Cant you go and see your doctor who can give you antidepression medication? I think that can help you by now
Because you see everything so dark and you need plenty of energy to be able to raise up and continue to fight for a good life
You should really consider this.....

What do you like? what is your interests? Do you like animals?

I just don't get it. Why would you need to fix something that isn't broken?

What you're going through is normal aspie depression - yep... it's normal and we all (or most) seem to have it.
It comes in waves and makes you feel like you don't want to live.

Most aspies are able to cope with it in some way, some aren't.

In your case, you're carrying a lot of additional emotional baggage. This means that those nagging doubts and fears have a whole lot more material to work with. It's not that you're not as capable as us... you are! It's just that you've had more bad experiences and those bad feelings are pulling at it.


Things that might help

1. Talking with others. It's obvious that talking here calms you down but I think you need a champion. You need someone close by with whom you can talk. The person who offered you help sounds like saint - accept her help.

2. Finding a closer boyfriend. I know that Just You is an absolute dream and a really brilliant friend but you really need to be "together" for anything to work. That means that either (or both) you needs to move to a different country. You need to talk it out and decide how realistic this is from a financial, willingness and immigration perspective. If it's not possible, then keep each other as best friends but seek a more local romantic interest to lean on. I know that sounds harsh - sorry.

3. Find other ways to ease the frustration. It's common for people to cut, hit or otherwise hurt themselves in frustration. You'll regret it some day. I know people who are now always self-conscious of scars on their wrists and who can't wear short sleeves or go swimming as a result. If you hurt yourself badly, you'll regret it eventually. Try to find alternative ways of taking the frustration out. Seriously, consider somewhere like a gym where you can hit a punching bag as much as you want.

4. Find something to live for. This was the big change for me. I've now got a family who depend upon me. I still get sad and frustrated but they need me and I have a responsibility to stay alive for them.



You're not broken ... you just have a lot of unresolved issues. It's not you that's broken - it's the world around you.



I'd love nothing more than to be able to say... Stop Time! I need a rest.
It can't happen. You need to decide what things are important and what things can be lived without - and having OCD doesn't make this any easier.



You only upset us when you hurt yourself. We understand why you do it - and most of us will have done it at some time or another but it still is hard to take. Life has a lot to offer you if you can get in the right frame of mind to receive it.