I don't know what to do.

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Last edited by kirayng on 26 May 2012, 1:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah I guess its hard enough not getting down on myself as is, but then having the impression that I basically deserve to die because I can't make a living since I can't function on a job makes it harder. I mean I admit that sort of the thing comes up more with political discussions but that doesn't make it any less painful for me. I hate having to avoid expressing opinions just to avoid getting triggered by the 'if you need welfare or are on it you're unintelligent garbage' rhetoric.

I am glad you get some comfort from reading my posts though, I like when I can have a good effect on people even if I feel like crap myself.

People who judge in terms of how much you earn have already failed.

Yeah, but that doesn't make them any less dangerous...at least the ones that would act on such judgement anyways, I doubt everyone with that perspective is dangerous though.

I don't think that's your own idea. I can't see you applying this sort of standard to anyone else. I do this too, apply a much harsher standard to myself than I would ever dare to apply to anyone else. But it shouldn't be so different, really. I think ideas like this come from other people who are morally ret*d (I mean that in the exact literal sense of the term, their development is slowed or stunted so they function, morally, at the level of a small child), they put the ideas on us, and when we're weak we accept them, at least in regards to ourselves. This is pure poison.

I think I mentioned earlier that I sometimes get this sense that my life doesn't entirely belong to me, which wasn't exactly accurate. What it is, is that when I get this sort of problem, I get into the mindset that I'm not the owner of my life, I'm just the steward of a life that's been given to me.

Well of course its not my idea...I just hear it more than I'd like to. Also I suppose I certainly feel I own my life, well sort of...I guess sometimes I feel like its being ruled by my symptoms. I mean damn if what doesn't kill you makes you stronger where is the strength? I mean in my life it seems the opposite has kinda proved true...the more beat down I got the more it took out of me. And there's probably even people who would laugh at that 'oh ha ha, you can't handle things.' well I hope that was a fun childhood game for all those other kids who picked on me. Anyways getting a bit bitter there I guess, but yeah that seems to be the case...I mean I even have an issue internalizing things like I know I'm not 'ret*d' but when I used to get called 'ret*d' all the time it upset me because obviously Id get down on myself and start wondering if their right even though I knew for a fact they weren't. I guess it was just no matter what I said they still kept calling me that and could still make me feel bad for picking on me over that judgement...just made me feel powerless and that is what I had to go to school and deal with most of the time.

I really like this idea of "Moral retardation". It does seem as if a lot of people's moral compass boils down to some variation of that line from Hook: "...And your mindless, inexhaustible, unstoppable, repetitive, and nagging demands: He took my toy! She hit my bear! I want a potty! I want a cookie! I want to stay up! I want, I want, I want, me, me, me, me, mine, mine, mine, mine, now, now, now, now! "

Well if that is what humanity strives for I want no part of it.

I agree, paraphrasing a wiseman, it's not really up to us to decide what we are given, but to decide what to do with what we are given.

Ha ha, not to be a nerd or anything but that kinda reminds me of a line in Lord of The Rings, when Gandalf was telling frodo it was not up to him the time he was given, but what to do with it or something to that effect. I guess I am trying to figure out how to work with what I was given.

Actually, That is the wise man I was paraphrasing, mainly because I am a nerd.

Right on Gandalf is a wise man indeed, but yeah I read all the books and I have all the movies and have watched them all the way through many times. Though I feel more like a loser than a nerd. Its weird though I love researching topics but on my own time.

Nerds have always been considered losers by society, but that's okay. They mock what they don't understand.

Well recent update on things I guess...didn't really want to start a new thread.

So I called the mental health center thing, decided I was more afraid of going in person and making an idiot of myself, than calling so yeah. So I gave them my name, address and all that and found I can just walk in whenever I would like to. I could go in today but calling was quite enough for one day so I think I'll give it a couple days. Only thing is they said I should be open minded about cutting down on cannabis so they can better understand/observe symptoms...so I'll do that I mean I don't mind cutting down some if that will help them with helping me but quitting I admit would be too much right now especially since I am decreasing my alcohol and cigarette consumption...I don't know why I mean I am broke but I hang out with people who drink and smoke so I can still get both quite often.

They mentioned group treatment, so maybe I could meet other people with similar issues...then again I might feel awkward around them to. And so my mom won't bother me I'll tell her I scheduled an appointment for next Thursday or something even though they said I could just come in whenever. I don't really know if it will help any or whatever but It's somewhere to start I suppose.

It's good to see that maybe you found some help. The weed thing (cutting back) is really important, even if it is only temporary. They can't possibly help you-certainly not diagnose you-when they don't know what is YOU and what is the effect of the drugs-even if it means smoking more cigs to get through it.

You should tell your mom whatever she wants to hear just to get her off your back-your an adult and it's for your sanity. You seem like the kind of person that has a really good heart. Me, on the other hand, I have almost always been very defiant, so I am trying to post with caution. When I was in high school I hung out with punkers. My mom realized that if she didn't cut me some slack, she wasn't ever going to see me again, and that is the only reason that we still have a relationship today. After high school, I hung out with bikers, junkies, strippers, etc, etc, etc, so I guess I never really had to deal with people looking down at me or questioning my future , so I can't completely relate to that aspect. Ironically, I think my defiance has been my best survival and coping skill.

I know everyone's biochemistry is different but alcohol has a VERY depressing effect on my mental state (and my physiology in general, especially since I switched to my current anti-depressant). For myself I cut back on alcohol first before weed if I feel that the consumption is getting out of control.

My psychiatrist put me on an 8 week abstinence group program last year. She wanted to do it so that she could get a better diagnosis out of me (she settled with a generalized anxiety disorder). It was really helpful, even though I wasn't planning on abstaining from all drugs and alcohol when it was over. The people there could relate to me and my addictive ways and we all shared personal experiences so we got pretty close while there. I also got a better understanding of why I turn to substance abuse (any kind of abuse, really) and what I can try to do differently. It also made me more aware of myself, if that makes any sense.

I wonder what kind of group treatment they're talking about. I hate groups (the chemical dependency group was an exception), but I got put on a waiting list (took 4 months...) for a Life Skills class. I still didn't really like the group aspect but the people there had interesting things to say on occasion because they came from different perspectives, so that part was beneficial. We learned a LOT about human behavior and how to change your own behavior and thoughts and reactions. I would definitely recommend something like that, if that's what they're offering. If you're not really into it, maybe you could give it a try for a while and see what you think. Make it an unofficial science experiment!

I definitely felt awkward around those people, even at the end (it lasted about 8 weeks also), but the education I got was really helpful. I hope there's something like that for you there.

I was going to go to another group therapy about cognitive behavior and changing the way you react to things (esp. emotionally) but I didn't like it. There were too many people in that one for me. I should have given it a shot anyway but I chickened out after the first meeting.