I need a reason, I'm at the edge.

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I'm glad you stopped cutting, even if you used a method really different from what I might have used.

As two examples of something I'm thinking about . . . I think some cultures have a tradition of professional mourners. And then, I know with myself, if there's a workplace injustice and someone else says something with confidence and matter-of-fact strength, I feel better. It's like they've taken some of the burden onto their shoulders.

So, the good part, maybe some of the other people cared more about the loss of the horse than it seemed. With you caring deeply in a way visible to other people, maybe you took some of this burden off their shoulders and onto your shoulders. You may have been acting as a low-key leader and a leader by example without really realizing it.

Plus, the people in charge may have thought they should have picked up something about the horse sooner and may have been defensive and in a mindset to blame someone about something. This is one of the less good, pretty sorry aspects of human nature, still relatively common. For example, isn't colic in a horse just where the intestines get twisted? So maybe, one of the experienced persons should have picked up earlier that the horse was in medium distress and made a point to watch for signs that it's getting in worse trouble. And so, instead of acknowledging that they made a mistake and maybe missed an opportunity to make a difference, they look for someone else to blame.

Yo this is life man we all go through it. I been to this point before and may get to it again later on in life. I like to think that all i go through that dont kill me makes me stronger. and life is unknown and it shouldnt mean all bad and scare you into a funk. the most beautiful moments in life cant be scripted. Life is scary i been there b4 but that is just life and it tends to get better.. as far as college when i graduated i said screw that been out working for bout 3 years and i am really thinking of going to college. It is up to you cause it is your life but just consider all options.

Sweet Pea hugs

ha ha pea hugz!

I do an unusual form of cutting. No knife or razor is involved. In fact, there's no bleeding or cutting at all. I'm allergic to fresh seafood. Whenever I eat shrimp or octopus or fresh cod my gout acts up. Fluid builds in various bony areas in my feet or my knees. Those areas swell up. The pain, though, is excrutiating. The last time I had a flare up I couldn't walk at all. I dragged myself around my apartment like a mermaid. Talk about agonizing! This was 2-3 months ago. And, no, I don't know why I do it. I'll probably eat seafod again this summer and there I'll be, limpy gimpy, all over again. Bizarre.

I've done something similar to that, sometimes when I'm upset with myself I'll "punish" myself, for example last winter when it was very very cold, I was upset about something and to "punish" myself I broke the ice in a bucket of water outside at my grandmother's house, stuck my feet/lower legs in then walked around on the concrete barefoot, it hurt like the dickens. but I still did it, why? not totally sure. just one of the things I do.

I think Native Americans did similar things, either as a rite of passage or training for war, or as part of a spiritual quest, where they would walk in the snow or immerse themselves into a cold river. And I remember the health club my dad would take us to when I was a boy had both a hot soak and a cold soak. And I think runners sometimes make a decision to push themselves too far, and not so much because it necessarily feels good, but rather it feels different and it takes them outside their normal experience.

For what it's worth, i can relate to wanting something so badly and getting it, knowing it is so right for me, then having a meltdown and losing it all. i'm currently in that situation. It is the regret that is the hardest to deal with - thinking of what could have been if i hadn't had the meltdown. i'm trying to accept that it happened....that the meltdown occurred because i haven't found a cure to the problem in my head that is causing the meltdown. i'm trying to accept that it happened, but the regret is so hard to deal with....that i've had a great chance and blew it.....well i don't know for sure if i did (yet), but the uncertainty is painful.

I regret the meltdown, I regret it terribly, to tell you the truth, meltdowns scare me, losing control of myself really scares me

I see my psychologist tomorrow, and meet my new counselor on Monday, I'm lucky I guess that I have such a nice Psychologist, she called me yesterday to make sure that I was "ok" and "safe" and that I'd make it to the next appt. which is kind of her, she didn't have to call me. though she asked me if I would tell her if I wasn't "safe" and I said "no", which I think she expected.

I know I know, I should tell her if I'm a danger to myself, but I know I won't, because I don't want to be stopped.

Hi, in re-reading your posts, I can see how working at a camp with horses would be a really good thing, especially after two and a half years of home schooling online. I mean, even if you're learning a lot intellectually, that is still a lot of alone time.

At age 19, please have faith that there will be other adventures. If need be, just leave this place off your resume as you seek other horse jobs.

And I still think they over-reacted. Okay, so you ran off and then you were crying in the tack-shed. Okay, so be it. Why can't a person be a human being, whether on the spectrum or not? Obviously, I think a person should be able to. But apparently they were interested in people being more like perfect worker drones, something like that.

And another example of a group experience might be an artist colony, where the feeling is that everyone is doing important work and people are allowed to be different and be themselves. Art may or may not be something which interests you, probably not since you don't bring it up. But my point is that we can probably come up with other worthwhile group activities, or individual activities in a worthwhile group context and that might be an even mmore interesting possibility.