My mother has cancer and is going to die

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I know there is not much that I can do. I don't know what else to say about it either. Thanks for your understanding.

I've been up all night, unable to sleep, still sick and worried with no help thanks to a useless and careless doctor, and thinking about my mother more and more due to her current condition and some more recent saddening news. It keeps getting worse which I kind of expected, but no matter how bad I expect it to be, its still going to leave a deep hole in my heart.

I'm scared to go to sleep and I am not even sure why, it's probably due to a large mixture of f'd up emotions and thoughts. It's hard to process so many things at once.

Tomorrow we open presents and share a meal, and I should be very happy about that right now, but I can't even fathom going to bed and waking up tomorrow at the moment.

Mom woke up crying in pain again, can't seem to move without moaning and/or crying anymore. Her extremely high dosages of pain pills and everything else isn't enough to mask the pain. She is going to need to be returned to the hospital for better care and pain relief, don't know how long though...

I am pretty sad about it, but if she has to be in the hospital for longer because it seems to be the only way she can live with much less pain, then I guess it is the way it has to be. Her friends and family will still visit her regularly so that is good. She has a decent-good support from friends and family.

Right now, my other parent is talking to her. My mother is still moaning and crying a bit after taking her pills. My other parent is being a bit of an a**hole piece of s**t right now when my mom makes noise, it bothers them. They don't think my mother needs to make noise, and is overreacting because my mom tends to be very loud regardless of her pain. I feel like telling them why don't you go get multiple cancers and tumors in your body, dumb f**k, see how much you cry out! But I don't think that would do much good, and would probably negatively effect my mother as well. I hate their attitude about it a lot of the time. Yes the noise is hard to handle, it is stressful, but she is very sick and doesn't deserve to be put down, ridiculed, and told to be quiet... I'm really holding myself back from speaking my mind. The only reason I don't do it, is because they could get offended, and react even more negatively towards my mom, because they probably can't handle being told without getting an attitude, especially now while they are already really frustrated...

Another thing is my mom may or may not get Chemo. We don't know yet, it is my mom's choice. There are a lot of serious life altering risks with Chemo, some can ruin quality of life even more, to one hundred percent. If she doesn't get chemo, she may not last long. If she does, she still may not, and be in even more torment.

Sorry things aren't going any better. What your other parent is doing is not appropriate at all. The thing to remember is that they are probably stressed and grieving right now too. However, that's not an excuse to be abusive toward your mom. She has a right to be as loud as she needs to be right now.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by holding back even though you are, rightly, angry about your other parent's behavior. The last thing anybody needs right now is more stress and conflict. I wish I could offer better advice, but without knowing specifics that not possible. You seem to be handling things very well. It just sucks that you should have to.

As far as treatments go, if your mom is in late stage, she might consider avoiding chemo, and radiation, and just concentrate on palliative care.

My mom was late stage when she was diagnosed but she went ahead and did very aggressive treatment. The chemo made her extremely ill and the radiation destroyed her esophagus and a lot of healthy lung tissue.

In the end, treatments did more harm than good and actually shortened her life. I'm convinced that she would have been better off if the doctors had concentrated on pain control and QUALITY OF LIFE rather than treatments with a low possibility of success.

This is something you guys might want to talk to the doctors about.

Also, if the doctors give your mom any static at all about giving her adequate pain meds, you need to fire them and find a good doctor.

There is a trend toward restricting pain meds these days because so many people are becoming addicted. But there is NO REASON to restrict pain meds for a patient in your mom's situation.

Your mom has enough stuff to deal with, but there's no reason she should suffer with unnecessary pain.

I feel so sorry for you

Things look like they are doing a little better for my mom at the moment. She was just up making herself a small healthy meal. We often make meals for her because she is in pain or not that alert.

I do realize that my parent is stressed and grieving too, and that they can have a tendency to react negatively with their words and emotions when things are not the way they want them to be. Awhile ago they said to me "I don't know why she has to make all that noise" and I just told them in a calm manner "She does that because she is in a lot of pain" and left it to that. My other parent seems to be a little more understanding now and nicer when with my mom so far, but when they are away they can still be a bit rude, but at least my mom doesn't have to hear it as much. I believe my other parent is having a hard time adjusting to the situation. We both tend to be up more lately and have to keep an eye on my mom more now, so I can understand why my other parent would be having some struggles with staying upbeat some of the time.

I'm not sure what stage of cancer she's at. One doctor says she has years, another says months. She gets radiation already, I guess that is supposed to shrink the tumors and reduce side effects of cancer, and maybe it did... She doesn't need her oxygen anymore. Chemo is something none of are very sure of at the moment, and I don't think my mom wants to risk it. We have a relative who is a nurse that has experience with family, cancer and chemo who is kind of against chemo due to what it did to their partner who was battling cancer. They are going to talk about it with the doctors soon though, and everyone else will talk about it afterwards.

Chemo can be a mixed bag.Some people get good results from it,others it just makes sick and they don't even get much extra time.
My daughters best friend had breast cancer and the chemo did help her.My sister in law had brain cancer and the chemo made no difference,it just made her sicker.I guess a lot depends on the type of cancer and what stage it's in.
I'm sorry she is in such pain,hopefully the doctor will give her something for that.Its hard to get sleep and rest when you are hurting,she needs both of those to fight this.
Stay strong for her.

I've been trying to convince my other parent to get going to the doctor or emergency hospital again for a check up and more meds. They won't budge, unless it's extremely bad for them. It's bad enough that my mom wakes up crying most days because of back pain or stomach pain, and cries other times too. My other parent though, doesn't think it is as bad, and tells her "Why are you doing this?" and "There is no reason for this, you took your medicine", and "What are we going to do for you, we gave you your medicine, it won't work, I don't know what we're going to do, there's nothing we can do." and other s**t like that. They are pretty much mocking her which makes her cry more. I don't know what is wrong with them, and I don't get how they could be so stupid, and inconsiderate, not knowing how a person with cancer is suffering like that, and to bring them to the doctor right away because it is not getting any better.

Do you have any other family members who could get her into see the doctor?I'm sure they would up her medication.I'm so sorry to hear about this.What an ordeal for both of you.

I am sure some family is willing. Mom is supposed to go with one of them some time soon, to talk about the chemo. She might refuse if it were some other way, she doesn't like to go to emergency without my other parent, because of the history I guess, and they handle most of my mom's medical info, even though she is mocked and made to cry on a near daily basis.

I'm very sorry. I'll give thoughts and prayers to you and your mom.

Mom has some troubles expressing what she wants sometimes lately. Like food for example, she loses the right word to express which food or drink she wants, and might say something else. I can sense her frustration at times regarding that. Makes me sad and a bit afraid but I try not to show it and I ask her what she wants again or I take things out and ask her if that is what she means. This morning she said she wanted water from the tap so I got her that, but she wanted milk after I got it, just the way she said it was that she wanted milky water. Then awhile after that she came into the kitchen and said she wanted cheese, but it was peaches.

On the topic of my other parent treating her badly, they are doing better with it since I last posted about that. I think they are starting to absorb how serious the situation is becoming more and more each day. I probably make them sound like a horrible person, but they aren't, and they actually do many good things for my mom. I just really dislike when they let their emotions get the best of them and treats my mom badly in any way. Right now I think we should all be putting our own negative feelings to the side (Mostly theirs I don't get negative with my mom) and just focus on making my mom as happy and comfortable as possible, and I have expressed that.

My sympathy and condolences.

It is sounding like a torture chamber again, moaning and crying. My other parent is reacting negatively with their words again, they really do not understand, and think some of it is in my mom's head. Nobody cries like that and is just imagining it though. My other parent just makes my mother worse with their bad attitude, my mom makes it clear too, but my other parent reacts negatively because the moaning and crying can be bothersome, my mom is generally loud anyway, gets louder and frustrated when my other parent is mean, plus she is not thinking straight some of the time. My other parent does not seem to notice that that the effects of cancer, the many other serious illness's, the radiation therapy and the large amounts of many different medications can cause these issues, or that my mom needs more and more medication. I don't think they've done much research, aside from reading the pamphlets they were given, and listening to the doctors who don't totally understand what is going on yet. My mom goes to the doctor tomorrow thankfully, with a family member and professional by their side so I am hoping they give her more meds and that she can be in a lot less pain, and have to take less s**t from my other parent because my other parent can be very ignorant, and just a plain a**hole of a human being.

I am so sorry this is happening to your mom.

Spend as much time with her as you can, and don;t be afraid to step up to your other parent when you feel it is not going right. You mom deserves and needs the absolute best care right now, what she needs more then that is her family, know that she is loved, and know that she is cared for.
#She must feel the family is in a good place!

I hope she will feel some relief from the pain soon, then she can spend more time with the family.

I did, calmly but firmly. I got a mouthy response.

Mom went to the doctor, she was then put in the hospital again to find a better way to manage her pain. Turns out I was right, my mom was in a lot of pain due to her cancer in her bones and it was not in her head.

Now I go to urgent care for my illness...

I'm glad she is getting some much needed relief,I hope she is able to get pain management that works,and allows her to return home.Sorry to hear you are having to deal with your own health issues,wishing you the best.