Anorexia Nervosa is ruining my life

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I've had a few days of eating more (around 1500 calories) but it is hard and I am horribly bloated, which makes me anxious because I feel so fat. Also, I have lost control and binged on fatty foods a couple of times and I am absolutely terrified that I am going to replace my anorexia with a binge-eating disorder. I'm not coping too well with these thoughts so have gone back to restricting today. Clearly I cannot recover by myself. I need some psychological help with my intense fear of weight gain. I just wish they would hurry up with my referral.

I am so anxious because I am not going to be able to restrict as much or count calories tomorrow and Saturday. I'll be away from home and will need to eat out so won't know the exact calories I'm having. I want to go out for a meal with my boyfriend to celebrate Valentine's Day but this stupid illness is going to ruin it by making me feel so anxious.

Ugh, I know those feelings all too well, and went through a phase of alternately binging and starving, which was absolutely awful. And I still hate when I don't have a choice in what I'm going to eat, and I'm just expected to eat what's served to me. It leaves me feeling anxious too.

Good luck getting through the next few days... I find holidays stressful on multiple levels (not just food related) – but I hope you guys have a happy Valentine's Day together!

I keep going back and forth on whether or not I want to get better. I am not drastically underweight and I want to lose more. But I also want to get to a point where I can eat normally and not feel suicidal over it. I am seeing my doctor in an hour to ask if my referral can be chased up but I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I'm not sure if I can get better because I still really want to lose weight. I'm at 6 stone 2 now and want to get back to 6 stone. Part of me wants to know what it's like to go under 6 stone as I've never been that light as an adult. This is messed up, I know. When I have a good restricting day, I don't even want to get better because I feel so in control and powerful. When I eat more normally or overeat, I feel way out of control and want to die. Then I think I really need to work at recovering from this thing. I feel so mixed up and I don't know what to do.

I saw a doctor on Wednesday and it was awful. I asked if it was possible for him to chase up my referral to the eating disorder team because I can't wait any longer (I am sick of feeling suicidal every time I eat) and he said he'd write to them. He said I could phone them but I'm terrible at phone calls and told him I don't feel I can call them. Why can't he call them? It would be much quicker than writing and they'll listen to a doctor more than a patient. I said "I need help now" and he replied with, "Well, what do you want me to do?" I almost cried, though I hate crying in front of people. Then he said to go to A & E if I'm worried. I feel like he brushed me off and that he just doesn't care about me at all. My regular GP (who is wonderful) is off sick and this guy is, unfortunately, the next best doctor at the surgery.

Now I have lost all my motivation for recovery. Now I want to get as thin as possible so I can go back to see this doctor and say, "I begged you for help and you did nothing". I know that's stupid. I just feel like the only way to get the help I need and to be taken seriously is to get even sicker. That's messed up. I am so frustrated and upset by all this.

I just feel like giving up with everything. With life.

I hope at least he follows through in writing, and that you can finally get to see the people who can help you! It's so frustrating to have to deal with bureaucracy. I'm terrible at phone calls too, so I know how stressful that can be.

In the meantime, please take care of yourself... You've held together this long, and hopefully it won't be too much longer before you can finally get an appointment!

I'm not a phyisician, but be sure to get at least a minimum of 1,200 calories per day, prefarably close to 2,000. Stick thin fashion models are not what men want, and it's not what other women want to socialize with either.

If you look at what Ask Men rates as the most desirable women, most fall in the low, but still healthy range of fat levels.

My boyfriend is coming to stay with me for about 2 weeks soon (we are in a long distance relationship) and I feel really anxious about it because I weigh all my food now and I don't want him to know about that. Argh!

And I still haven't heard about my referral. UK mental health services are ridiculous. While they continue to make me wait I am getting worse, meaning when they do finally get to me it will probably take me longer to get better than it would if they were helping me now. This means other people will then be kept waiting and they'll get worse and it just becomes a stupid, vicious circle. When will the government start taking mental health seriously? Services are understaffed and underfunded. People who need help are not getting it and that makes me so angry.