I am expected to write letters of forgiveness.

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Keep working with your therapist. You'll find better ways to cope. It gets better.

Tell her flat out that you are not going to forgive them and that you are not going to write the letters about and lie. However, there is a difference between forgiving somebody and letting something in the past go. You can let it go but not forgive them. You let it go by realizing that you can't do anything to change the past but you can do something about your actions related to it now, even though you can't change your feelings about it. You can't force yourself to feel some way or other but you can force yourself to do something or other. In other words you can remind yourself that it is past and you have your life to live now without dealing with them, and try to stop thinking about it when it comes up. I'd say be willing to try to let it go, which takes a long time and doesn't mean you are "over it", it just means you no longer let it control what you do or how you treat yourself or others (besides those people).

I'd tell her that nobody can force themselves to forgive someone else, and that since the program is supposed to be about honesty that you are not going to write a letter and lie and that you don't want contact with them right now or to discuss it with them. That you are willing to forgive people who you feel you can forgive but not certain people. Tell her that people who are still hurting others are not people who you feel deserve your forgivness and you don't intend to fake it. It's not up to her if you do it or not. And you don't have to forgive somebody who hurt you in the past to move on and stop it from messing with your life. Point that out to her too. Also, I have a few friends in AA and I only heard about them asking others to forgive them,not going around writing letters to others to forgive them.

Talk to your therapist about moving past the stuff they did and stopping dwelling on it, but you are within your rights to not forgive them and and program that tells you what you must feel isn't worth the paper it's written down on. That would just add to your issues if somebody forced you to say you forgive someone who you don't. I understand the idea behind it, and moving on is just as healthy and empowering as forgiving someone. If you are ever ready to forgive them, then do. If not, don't. You don't have to be a doormat or a slave to some programs ideas of how you think to get off booze or drugs. You can skip that forgiving EVERYONE bit and still sober up. Some people in those programs are too obsessed with following it exactly. They have changed their addiction from drugs or booze to being perfect in doing the steps and all that. That isn't healthy either. It's just as healthy to move on whether or not you forgive someone. You also don't have to write any letters about that at all. Tell her that too.

They won't kick you out of it, I promise.

KL, here is the "Just For Today" daily reading from the 12 step readings for the 20th October:

October 20 Freedom to choose
"Enforced morality lacks the power that comes to us when we choose to
live a spiritual life." (Basic Text, p. 45)

In our active addiction, many of us lived our lives by default. We were
unwilling or unable to make choices about how we wanted to act, what we
preferred to do, or even where we would live. We allowed the drugs or
other people to make our most basic decisions for us. Freedom from active
addiction means, among other things, the freedom to make those choices for
ourselves.

Freedom of choice is a wonderful gift, but it's also a great
responsibility. Choice allows us to find out who we are and what we
believe in. However, in exercising it, we're called on to weigh our own
choices and accept the consequences. This leads some of us to seek out
someone who will make our choices for us-our sponsor, our home group,
our NA friends-just as our disease made our choices for us when we were
using. That's not recovery.

Seeking others' experience is one thing; abdicating personal
responsibility is something else. If we don't use the gift of freedom
we've been given, if we refuse to accept the responsibilities that go
along with it, we'll lose that gift and our lives will be diminished.
We are responsible for our own recovery and our own choices. Difficult as
it may seem, we must make those choices for ourselves and become willing
to accept the consequences.

Just for today: I am grateful for the freedom to live as I choose.
Today, I will accept responsibility for my recovery, make my own choices,
and accept the consequences.

I have been in recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous and working the steps for the last seven years. I now sponsor women in the program, and the issue of the fourth step and complex abuse has come up quite frequently. The way I understand it, it's not so much about forgiving those who wronged you but realizing that they are "Perhaps spiritually sick." (Reference page 67 in the big book). Looking at our part is not in any way saying what they did is OK or accepting blame. It's more about identifying how we may have carried unproductive beliefs or behaviors into our present-day lives based on abuse from the past. In other words, strategies and coping skills we may have developed that really did have a function in the days when abuse was happening are probably no longer serving you. That is the essence of inventory: identifying and purging the things that are no longer of use to you.

I agree with what others have said in terms of making sure you have a sensitive sponsor and fellowship around you, and working with your therapist to help guide you through this. As my sponsor has noted on a number of occasions, inventory should not be a stick that you bludgeon yourself with. It is simply a fact-finding mission.


Here is a link to some online discussion around this specific issue that was helpful to a friend of mine. If you want to talk about this more, private message me!

Best wishes

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/ste ... child.html

I don't know if maybe I should not say anything as I don't know a lot about recovery and haven't struggled with substance addiction. However......

Pushing forgiveness makes me angry. I think it is unfair and revictimizes people confused already about what was done in the past. Why not embrace all of who one is, including being angry, even self righteously angry, if that is where one is it seems better to be recognized and accepted for where we are than pushed and made to reexperience what was done in the past. This may be all wrong if you are in recovery, I don't know. I do know that you feel what you feel, I do know pretending that isn't real is a dark and dangerous kind of invalidation. And I do know that sometimes by embracing what seems dark and negative, I can get somewhere much better than by trying to pretend or whitewashing what's ugly.

I also feel, not necessarily for OP but in general, that pushing forgiveness is dangerous where the person then has any responsibility for vulnerable people (children, disabled people) and even can be hurtful with friends, coworkers, people in general. It risks not recognizing someone is at risk in the present to be too accepting of past bad acts.

And it is way too easy to accept responsibility and forgive and then be in a poor position to backtrack and take responsibility for protecting someone else when that becomes important. Forgive but don't forget isn't easy to implement.

Agreed if anything this whole process if anything opens up old wounds. Please speak with whoever is having you do this supervisor

I would dump the sponsor. Don't let anyone control you. Some sponsors, they seem to get off on ordering people around. You don't have to ask forgiveness from anyone if you don't want to!

I go to AA meetings now but I don't agree with some of the ideas (IE POWERLESSNESS - I'm not powerless over alcohol).. I tune out a lot of what people say. I also don't have a sponsor and don't want one. (for emotional support I attend group therapy and individual therapy).

Unfortunately, AA is popular but I would look into alternatives (SMART for example). At the very least, I would think twice about the sponsor you have.

Resentments are natural. It's natural to be angry. You don't have to forgive anyone if they don't deserve your forgiveness.

I used to drink entirely too much and tried out AA but didn't like it at all. I have several issues with it. Like you I didn't feel powerless over alcohol. That isn't even logical. Its an inanimate object. I might have had a very hard time resisting my own impulses, desires and ideas, and at times I was almost unable to distinguish between a want and a need but I was never powerless over alcohol.

Also, while I may have some personality flaws I never had a character defect. Telling someone who feels bad enough about themselves to the point where they drink to excess that they have a character defect and that this program is the only thing that can help them is not only dishonest, it preys on those who are desperate and hooka them in like the Hari Krishna's do runaways. Because its so involved and takes over your life and your thoughts and reasoning it's also a purposeful replacement for another addiction. Its tailor made to suck in those at their weakest point and give them a false sense of accomplishment. Yes it helps many to stop drinking and getting high but it doesn't treat addiction, it replaces it with another addiction. It doesn't help self esteem , it reinforces low self esteem and tells you that while you are a bad person, you can compensate for it by working the program and as long as you do that you will be tolerable but if you walk away from it you are a bad person and a failure even if you never drink again.

Making a list of all your past fuckups and forcing yourself to deal with issues you have moved past and to even cause drama and stress for yourself again isn't good either. Its guaranteed to cause you to want an escape or something to take your mind off it so either you drink again and this makes you think you need AA more or you turn to them to keep you from drinking while you flaggelate yourself at their behest and they "help" you deal with all this stress and drama that the program created in your life.

Also I didn't see anyone say "stop drinking" anywhere. That's the point of it but it isn't even one of the steps. Of course the steps are all cookie cutter ones assuming that everyone has the same issues that Bill did.

I quit drinking when my mother died and I no longer felt the need or desire to stay drunk to deal with life. I can and do drink occasionally now, like a normal person. Its not even an issue for me anymore. Its like I flipped a switch. I'm over my alcoholism. According to AA though, anybody who quits without them hasn't quit. They refuse to accept that it can be done without joining the cult.

They do a lot of good for a lot of people and I'm glad they are there. They aren't for everybody though and I'm one who they would do more harm than good for.

Well, I had some decent talks with my sponsor where her intentions were clarified.

Basically, she wants me to sever all ties with the people who have harmed me, and her philosophy is that I am keeping those ties alive by continuing to be supremely pissed off at people who do not deserve any more of my attention.

I see what she is saying, and I have come to respect it.

That is good to hear.

You, in turn, have my deepest respect as well, to see how you are coping where so many fail who have been through so much or less than you have.

Well, a wrench just got tossed into my serenity today. Apparently, a few days ago, my mother, who had been extremely angry at my aunt over the last few months, had a two hour lunch with her where they cried and apologized to each other and were able to be sisters again.

If she wants to associate with child molesting narcissists, that is her problem. But she is insisting that it is also my problem because I have severed all communications with my aunt and therefore I am a threat to harmony in the bloodline, or something like that.

My family wants me to forgive because they feel threatened by the fact that I am slowly becoming my own man, thus I am becoming impossible for them to manipulate. My 12-step friends want me to forgive so that nobody will take up space in my head unless I really want them to. And in both cases, forgiveness looks different. The former is surrendering to the will of narcissists. The latter is breaking those chains altogether.

And all I can think about right now is retreating down through a bottle of Maker's Mark and an Internet connection that can provide me with limitless supplies of gay pornography. Just because I will not do that does not mean that the thought has not occurred to me that is a viable option.

Ignore their manipulations and be strong.

Forgiveness is for those that have apologized to you and made restitution for their actions.

That 12 step stuff never worked for me. You can always moderate your alcohol intake and be free of all of this. Addiction is not a disease (former addict, clean, not on "the program"), it is a pathological behaviour, that is developed as a coping mechanism, to a really sh***y world that creates addiction purposefully - by design!

Your hatred is justified. Forgiving these people only gives them a reason to abuse or hurt again. If anything, plot your revenge. That will satisfy you more than the bottle ever can.

Enough of this, "love thy enemy" BS that christianity and AA (a non-religious extension of Christianity).

Well, jkrane, forgiving my abusers does not equate loving them.

It just means I am using every tool I can possibly conjure up to rid my life and my mind of their influences.

As long as I hate them, they still influence me. As long as I continue feeling like a pervasive victim based on my past, I will continue to sabotage my attempts to build myself up.

I don't have to give a f**k about the people who harmed me. I guess "forgiveness" in this case is a kinder sounding word than "giving up all f***s about these people completely".

Are your abusers currently harming anyone (besides you?) If so I don't think forgiveness is appropriate. If molestation is still occurring it might even be appropriate to contact authorities.

I agree with jkrane. The success rate of AA is only about 5-10%. If you find it helpful then that's great but ignore the victim blaming you have encountered by other members.

I would simply cut those people out of your life. If you want to forgive them, then more power to you. It doesn't sound like you truly forgive them though at this point and I honestly don't blame you if that's the case.

In AA it's often stated that resentment is what causes people to drink. I disagree. I think drinking is what causes people to drink.

Trauma and child abuse are fairly common among alcoholics. You don't see these issues addressed very often in the rooms though.