In survival mode

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Some aspects of my transition are interesting. I've never learned how to put on make-up, but people keep telling me I have such great skin that it probably doesn't matter. Also, given my naturally blonde hair, people probably assume that I dye it and do a pretty good job of it (since roots are never an issue). Mwahahaha! (I've had a trans man back in Memphis ask me if I dye it, saying I did a good job, so probably that's what people assume.) People tend to think I'm a lot younger than I actually am.

Anyway, I'm at my grandma's. Of course, I try to maintain a positive demeanor around her, as she's getting on in years and just wants companionship before she goes. Interestingly, I was misgendered only once or twice tonight, and my grandma mistakenly called me by a woman's name that wasn't mine.

My dad's called various family members the dog's name

My grandma may not be able to walk on her own and has bad hearing, but she is not senile.

Anyway, I still don't have any real support. I'm often so much wanting to get out of meetings with people that I'll just kinda nod and agree to whatever they say without really understanding. It's all a performance to make myself look as competent as possible. Because of that, superficially and where there is structure I can present really well, but it's a performance. I have trouble communicating why just giving me some papers and telling me go to this, without providing for any quick accountability, usually means nothing gets done. However, because I present so well, no one would think that poor communication is the reason.

I'm stuck. I'm probably going to lose my SSDI and I'm going to burn up all my IRA. With my lapses and 2 accidents in the second half of last year, I'll probably lose my license/car at some point. So then I will be in a situation where I'm going to half a cart full of crap, and push it around and around endlessly all day. I'll try to find a place to sleep, but people will just see me as a nuisance. As I've said before, the privileged days are ending and the dark days are coming.

I had 3 phone numbers for room & board to call from when I was in the hospital last Wednesday morning. I have not called them, and I lost the paper they gave me.

Why do you feel you'll lose your SSDI?

Did your accidents happen when you weren't insured? If they happened while you were insured, your license won't be suspended.

Please take a step to get some help, like any other numbers you have or services available.
You don't want to end up on the streets.
Your life can improve, if you take a step to get help.

SSDI: Probably because they'll think my depression has improved. My disabilities for which I receive SSDI are "Affective Disorders" and "Autistic Disorder and Other Pervasive Developmental Disorders." When I was at an overnight respite, in the morning a person came in and said I looked cheerful. Also, when I had the suicidal ideation and went to the hospital, the social worker there was quick to release me. Because of that, they'll probably think it's improved.

I have and have had car insurance, so I'm not worried about losing my license in regards to car insurance. What I'm talking about are little lapses I've had while driving. There are times when I will mindlessly run red lights because for some reason it didn't click in mind that the light was red. I also know that there are times where I did not see a person, especially at night, and must stop abruptly.

I don't think living in your car would qualify as something which would make your depression and other conditions "better." Have the SSDI people called you for a review? If not, you have nothing to worry about.

In New York State, they'll suspend your license if you have three speeding convictions over 18 months; or if you speed over 30 mph over the limit; or if you are convicted of a couple of reckless driving incidents. I believe it's similar within other states.

As long as you pay your fines, your license shouldn't be suspended.

Please try to be careful with the red lights; that's a recipe for getting T-Boned. And make sure you keep any letters the DMV or whatever sends you.

kraftiekortie,

Yes, I am currently undergoing a CDR.

I've still been having lapses driving, including when I was trying to turn onto a road that turns into another road. Unfortunately, it was one way, and I was going the wrong way. I got off of it, but I think these lapses are disturbing. No one ever seems to take them seriously, though.

According to a lawyer's website, the chance that you will "fail" your CDR is 5%, meaning that you're 95% likely to have your benefits continued.

How is everything going today?

I don't feel in control of my life at all. I seem unable to communicate with anyone my day-to-day difficulties and my executive dysfunction. They all keep giving me long assignments and expecting I will get them done, even when I have failed to do that repeatedly. The only thing standing between me and a total loss of control is the money in my IRA, which I have continued to withdraw from so I can keep staying in a hotel and have privacy and the ability to engage in my solitary repetitive pursuits (like listening to the same song over and over), and not have to bump from place to place all the time. I feel somewhat better staying in a hotel, because it provides some stability.

Of course, if I keep doing this, I will run out. Whatever would I do then?

Today, I slept a lot, like most days. I made it to an appointment with my health advocate, but I was still tired and asked if we could end it early.

My sleeping has become very funny, too. I often have vivid dreams that deal with current issues in my life, to the point that after I wake up I keep wondering if I just dreamed something or if it actually happened.

Another thing, too, is that my train of thought seems to stay the same between sleeping and wakefulness. I was taking a nap and was thinking about the NFL rules about team rosters (such as during the regular season and the postseason there can be no more than 54 men on a team's roster), I slipped into the sleep and the train of thought seemed to continue on on its own and my thoughts were very ordered; I woke up for a time, and continued to think about it and then went back to sleep, and I was still thinking about team rosters in my sleep. During this whole time, I thought about the rule that only the players on the team's roster may play on the field for the team, the practice squads and injured reserves, and other things. This was rather surreal.

When I get drowsy, I often feel pain in my chest. When I sleep and then wake up, I often feel a refreshing--a nice cool--feeling in my chest, which feels good, though I am slow to get going. I may still feel a sense of being kinda outta it, like when I had to go the appointment today. It can take me hours to get going after waking up.

Well, the jig is up. I won't be able to keep pulling from my IRA and get Medi-Cal at the same time. So I must go right back to being powerless. I will have to sleep in the car most nights, and hold my urine until the morning; I will have to spend most of my time in the company of others; and when my car dies or something happens, I will have nowhere to stay. Eventually, I will be pushed into some institutional setting where I will be like a sardine in a can.

Basically, the sucky days are coming quicker than I thought. I have lots of impairments that make it impossible for me to manage a situation like this, but everybody else seems to assume that I can. How do I read this riddle?

I hope you don't think I'm being flippant.

Do you have male, or female "parts?"

If you have male parts, it would be easier for you to urinate into a bottle, then making sure you seal it. I think that would be viable, actually, and sanitary. And you wouldn't have to hold in your urine.

I would guess that it would be lots more difficult if you have female parts.

I feel, if possible, you should seek to obtain a shelter, while making sure your car is parked in a place where it can't get a ticket.

What if they don't push you into an institutional setting but just let you wander the streets, homeless?

If there is anything you can do to get help forming an alternative plan and direction, I would do it.

I hope you can find a way to imagine and pursue a better future.