My mum has got uncurable cancer

Post Reply New Topic

Another thing is, I feel it's my fault my mum has cancer. They say stress causes cancer, and I have caused her so much stress over the years. I wasn't a very nice child to bring up. I was hyper, prone to temper tantrums, anxious, emotional, and struggled in school, due to attentive issues and anxiety.
Then when I was a teenager I became lonely, had no friends so just spent week-ends and school holidays at home and under my mum's feet (not literally). Also I started getting intense obsessions as a teen, and almost got myself into trouble for being obsessed and fascinated with certain people.

My mum's siblings all had NT children, so they just had "ordinary stress" all children typically bring (because not saying having NT children is a walk in the park). But I caused unique stress, or added stress.

Then Aspies wonder why I'm so ashamed of Asperger's and why I wouldn't want a child on the spectrum (or any non-NT condition really).

Please don't give energy to feeling guilty about the past. Science has established there are many causes of cancer, and the latest treatments modify the immune system and are showing great promise. Your mother doesn't want nor need your guilt, nor will it help her nor you; love, not guilt, is what will help her now. I think you are being far too hard on yourself, though you are still probably in shock and feeling all over the place. A really, really important thing at this point is to get the rest that you need. It may really help you though to discuss these painful feelings, like guilt, with a trained and experienced cancer counsellor who will be really familiar with the many different reactions people experience. The stronger you make yourself, the more you can give loving energy to support your mother. She knows she has you on her team, and that will mean the world to her now.

It's NOT your fault your mother has cancer!

Get that notion out of your mind.

i think that cancer is caused primarily by continuous irritation of some part of the body or another.
when a cell is irritated, it eventually dies and is replaced by a new almost identical cell, that is a like a photocopy of the previous cell that died. the original blueprint of those cells is never retained, and instead, only a copy of the copy is retained as the new template, and it is not perfect.
when that copy also dies as a result of the continued irritation, it gets replaced with a copy of itself which is sourced from the blueprint of it's predecessor (already a few generations removed from the original cell).

as this process continues, some areas of the body will have cells that are 10 generations old as a result of their rapid demise and re genesis due to the continued irritation, and those degenerated copies of cells are then prone to lose resolution as to their awareness of their boundaries and thereby send signals to replicate in an uncontrolled manner which is the commencement of cancer.

it is like taking a photo copy of a photocopy of a photocopy... et al, until the original picture is degraded beyond recognizability.

so it is with each new iteration of a cell.
stress causes an increase of cortizol, and that is not shown to be an irritant, but only a stressor.

i would not therefore consider any life influence you had on your mother as a cause of bodily cancer she may have.

if you think about it, if you are placed in some fluid after your brain dies that keeps all the other cells in your body alive, then eventually all of those cells will become cancerous. i do not know how long it would take but i think it is a certainty.

Or making cancer more recognizable to the immune system through chemical markers.

I'm no biologist but this isn't to accurate as far as I'm aware. Certain things are known about cancer which don't tally.

Cancer cells do not occupy the same position of other cells they are created via normal cell division. Cancer cells come into being all the time, just the immune system take care of them. However it isn't because of a weak immune system this doesn't happen in the case of cancer, it is a bit more complicated.

If cells were 'irritated' they would most likely just die, which is a normal process. Cell division isn't related to cells being 'irritated'. Cancer cells are replicating too fast, which causes the them to break through tissue boundaries. So they aren't just replacing cells, otherwise they wouldn't spread.

It doesn't really work like that Joe. It really isn't your fault. Don't beat yourself up, I understand why you would feel like that, but misplaced guilt is common in these situations.

Joe, I´m so sorry to hear about your mother. It is a very hard thing to go through on both parts, - but I´m even more sad to hear, that you could think, that it might be your fault.
It could never, ever be your fault!
Maybe a traumatic stress could do it - just maybe - in some cases, but certainly not a troubled teen. Never.
Forget those thoughts and concentrate on every positive moment with your mom - and remember to care about yourself as well.

Joe, when your mother says things like "I won't be here a year from now," you need to counter with "You don't know that." And give her a hug and tell her you love her.

Attitude has a huge impact on survival, as others have already said.

Please avoid crackpot theories like Ban-Dodger's (sorry, Ban-Dodger, but this is important). You could easily become preoccupied with ideas and treatments that aren't real. Work with your mom on interacting with her care team (oncologist, primary care doctor, home visit nurses, social workers, or whatever) to do two things: 1. prolong her life while 2. improving its quality.

And don't stop living your life and looking forward to a future. She'll enjoy seeing you doing well, so never mind guilt about the past, but it's your responsibility to live a good life and let her know you are doing that.

My daughter is just a few years older than you, and she is a GREAT comfort to me when I'm ill. Yes, she is autistic, but she's still a wonderful person.