Abandoned- hopeless- barely holding on

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Thank you for your kindness. Your words are fine and perfectly expressive. This is now the second time you're worried about the quality of your words Just the fact anyone cares to take time to read all my BS and make a thoughtful response means alot.

I appreciate any kind words from anyone at this point.

It's just so hard to distract myself by thinking of other things other than my situation. I am lonely on top of just going through this and internally that's a very difficult feeling for me to manage. When I try to think of other things, the feeling of loneliness persists. As I've mentioned, I do not have many solitary interests. I do not have many interests, period. I have never been a reader. I have bad attention span issues. I can be interested in many different things on the more intellectual side, but I have to watch something, because it's just what my brain can process and remember. Watching things is less engaging however, and doesn't provide sufficient escapism for me. My best chance at escapism is drinking to excess. Which I do. But am restricting myself because that's not going to help me get better. But to take a break for a night, ok. So long as it's not 3-4 nights a week.

Problem is, as I've mentioned previously, that what I want in life for myself is someone else that really wants me and I connect with. Maybe that's too unrealistic a dream. I thought I had it. Maybe I still do and it's just broken and needs time. But to think about a life without my wife means to think of a life WITH someone else. I could never, nor would I really want to, form a long term plan that doesn't involve someone in my life. "Healthy" or not, I don't care. It's what makes me happy. And that's what life should be about, pursuing happiness while not hurting others in the process.

To be 'compassionate and understanding' to myself wouldn't necessarily be a fair representation of my responsibility in the decline of my marriage. I bear the majority of weight I still feel. While her issues are what's NOW front and center as out crisis, my emotions had to be front and center for way too long. And she wasn't equipped to handle that much emotional pressure and it broke her. That's a big part of the truth here if I'm being totally honest. It hurts so badly to bear that, but to me is healthier than placing blame on her or coming up with justifications for myself. I will learn from neither. I need to be critical of my mistakes right now. Either to apply such lessons to my future with my wife, or my future with someone else.

The last part of your statement makes me realize something. Both about myself and more globally. It's so easy to paint one's self in a very favorable light when telling these sorts of stories. Emphasizing the best, muting the worst, and making oneself appear to be in need of such deep sympathy. Like victims basically. It's so easy to sound like the victim. I'm not the victim here. If I'm a victim it's no more than my wife. If we're victims, it's to the difficulties life brings over 12 years together when you're both mentally unstable.

But I'm really NOT a good person. At least not by my definition. I can be at times. But that's not what's at my blackened core. I've managed to keep that darkness in check most of my life, and be a functional decent person. But my heart, in it's recesses, contains much bitterness, envy, distrust and malice. And I hate it's very existence and war with it constantly. But it'll always be there. I try very hard to be good. Truth is, I think alot of it is manufactured. I question if it's authentic, or just some self-serving mechanism because I require intense personal attachments. Then again, there's always a self-servingness to love. Because you want those feelings.

Everything I've gotten thus far I've deserved. In my marriage at least. Life, may be a slightly different story. Sometimes I do feel I deserve "better". And it's not that I think someone is better than my wife, maybe "more well suited at this point" is a much better way of putting it. I'm only starting to allow that concept into this process. Which feels dangerous. But also may be an inevitability.

Thanks so much again for your kindness though. And that's ok, I'm not much of an emoji guy anyway.

^In regard to your comment about (not) being a good person - Many of the details that you have written show what a good person you are. We all have our flaws and misgivings, however, they do not minimize the goodness within us. Even so, perhaps I should have used the word 'worthy', in place of good. You have good intentions and you show utmost care, compassion and concern for your wife. Your posts as a whole, project selflessness, despite the fact that you have expressed how you have done some selfish things. It is wise to introspect and take responsibility for the things you have contributed to your relationship, good or not so good, but, it is unwise to be so brutally hard on yourself. It is extremely important, at this time, that you focus on the positive things about yourself and have compassion for yourself. You are your own best friend, so to speak, while you are going through this emotionally challenging time. It doesn't matter whether you have made mistakes or could have done things better or differently, or, if you have failed. I'll stop with this, but, when I see that you are still beating yourself up, it shows that you are in need of compassion.

It is vital that you focus on, at least, some good qualities that you see in yourself. What are some of the positive characteristics that you possess? Doing so, does not minimize your concern for your wife or the future of your relationship or anything else. It is an important part of the process. You are in the midst of an emotionally traumatic life event, which requires compassion and love for oneself. When I was healing from a traumatic event, I was in the loneliest, most painful place in my mind, that I had ever experienced. I didn't have any idea that it was possible for anyone to feel such intense loneliness. I reached a point where I realized that I was the only person that could help me to the extent that I needed help. I realized that I would need to reach deep down into myself, and find all of the love and compassion I would need, because, I felt I was literally, completely and utterly alone in the world. I became responsible for all of the healing I did. I pushed my way up, through the deepest darkest hole. I felt as though my grief, alone, could cause me to die. That is how much pain I was in. But, as soon as I began to show compassion for my self, and cry for myself and show myself love and validation, I was able to begin to heal. You can do this, too.

Sending more love your way, beakybird_ >>--~LOVE~--->

Thank you. Well you are right about much of what you say and I know it. But I am naturally inclined to really badly beat myself over mistakes. Even small ones. So much more when I feel like my inabilities to control myself and my unrestrained emotional neediness among other things drove away the most important thing in the world to me. Two most important things if you count our bird. So while, I'm trying to remain positive and not fall into despair, I cannot focus on really what's good in me for a number of different reasons.

Unfortunately I require validation from others to feel good about myself. My entire life I projected an image of not giving a s**t what anyone thought of me. I actually believed I didn't for much of my life. As I've gotten older I'm starting to think that behavior was actually overcompensating for the fact that I actually deeply care what people think of me and cannot stand the fact that I do. In a very similar way, I'm so lonely because I always projected an image of being unapproachable and not wanting people around me. Which is the complete opposite of how I really feel. I'm realizing I do very weird things that I don't even realize to sabotage myself. Even in my marriage. There were plenty of times my wife, who as I said is very, very timid about speaking up, would make innuendos about how I was being, and how she couldn't take it anymore. Of course, if she ever told me that in those words things would change quick because sometimes I need a reality check to get out of a rut. But when she'd make certain comments it'd lead to a fight. I'm so oppositional, it's so reflexive and I'm really stubborn sometimes. It could be about stupid things too. Like my wife saying she wished she were on a beach in Hawaii, and I go on a rant about I hate the sun and beach. That's REALLY productive, dick . I'd like to go back in times and literally punch myself in the mouth for every time I did that. I just disagree naturally, even if I don't really even disagree too. Often I have no opinion and argue for the sake of it and am not sure why. I believe it's because I really enjoy challenging conversations with someone I'm comfortable with. I like to be made to think and make others think. But it annoys people. Especially ones who don't have that natural appetite for rigorous conversation and debate.

So I carry around this responsibility in my heart and it hurts. My biggest source of personal pride is treating my loved ones basically perfectly. Anything less and I feel I've failed. Here, I feel I've failed BIG time.

I can point out to myself my good qualities, and really believe it. So tp humor myself and make a list I can review and maybe feel good about. Ill make one.

Beakybird's self-serving list of good traits: (god this is so self glorifying but screw it, this whole conversation is for my own soothing anyways:

-I'm honest to a fault.
-Loyalty to a point most will never understand.
-True compassion once it turns on toward someone. Once I care about you, your problems LITERALLY become mine (not the healthiest thing for me I know, but I'll take the pain it brings because I think it's an awesome quality to have, even if it gets taken advantage of, that's ok).
-While uneducated, and not well read, I believe I'm very articulate and moderately intelligent.
-I can be a good conversationalist, provided you like a little intensity in your conversations.
-When things are good, and I am happy and comfortable inside, I can actually be fairly charismatic and likable. -I have a good, but weird and vulgar sense of humor, but am quick witted with it.
-To some I am very boring, to others I can be very fun.
-I'll never be rich, but I've always managed to take care of myself and am very resourceful in the ways of survival. Being raised by a young single mom who didn't have s**t and wouldn't take anything from anyone will teach you those things. But you ever think you got nothing to eat at home? Betcha I'll figure something out... May be a little weird, but it'll work better than you thought
-While I'd certainly not consider myself attractive, I think I'm at least average enough to not be repulsive physically
-I believe my anatomy and abilities and enthusiasm sexually, while nothing to brag about, are enough to satisfy most women in time.

That's not a bad list I guess when I look back at it. And I think it's honest. I guess it does pay to try. It's just, even with that, it all feels useless if there's no one around to use it on. If you notice, my whole list involves other people. There's really not much about me, or what I like or am good at. I'm not good at anything except being there for people, and even that I suck at when my emotions get nutty

Thanks for taking the time out to share your ideas about my situation. That deep lonely feeling is hard to bear. I am starting to heal over, but the uncertainty of the situation will not allow for healing. Which is the hardest part really.

You don't love yourself. That's why you need someone else so badly. You don't think that living for you is good enough, you don't think that being compassionate, forgiving and understanding towards yourself is good enough, you'd rather be that way to someone else. Only. And you want them to give that back to you.

I've heard a lot, over years and lately, about 'loving myself'. I guess I just never even understood what that meant to be honest. I think I do love myself at times. What would living for me even be? I just don't even know how an extended period of time by myself can be at all fulfilling. I can survive, sure. I mean I wont die. But I can't be fulfilled alone. I guess one could argue that I don't really know that because I never really have been alone. To that, I'd have no logical response other than fear. But I don't enjoy solitude. I don't at all enjoy being alone, or doing things alone. And I don't have friends, nor am usually able to maintain friendships.

I will be compassionate to myself when warranted. No one would be able to tell this, but I really have babied myself in many ways throughout my life. And it's really held me back. I really feel I gain more in regards to personal growth by not excusing myself in this most crucial crossroads of my life. I must grow or die at this point. I suppose that IS living for myself. As best as I can muster right now at least.

I do always defend the people I love, probably to a fault. It's just how I am and I'm not sure I'd want to change that. But you are 100% correct when you say I want to pour myself out into someone and hope they pour back. But a romantic relationship seems confusing to me any other way.

I don't mean to jump in, but I think what cavernio's talking about is something I've been working on with myself. The way I grew up, I had to put other family members's emotional needs before mine. Now that I'm grown, I'm learning more how to take care of my emotions while navigating relationships. And taking care of my emotions will also make me better at understanding and dealing with theirs. I think that's at least part of what cavernio means. It also helps me make sure I won't be taken advantage of. "Loving yourself" may not be the most helpful phrase. It can make it sound like you don't care about others. Does "caring for yourself" make more sense? As in, making sure you're in a mature, stable state so you can thrive and care for others? And it would also mean when you encounter mistakes or problems that you can deal with them as sensibly as possible, and forgive yourself.

Explained that way I suppose I get it a little more. Because 'loving yourself' DOES have a very self-centered tone that's simply not natural for me. I mean I do need to establish my own wants and goals. I just never have been able to do that my entire life and am unsure how to start now in an emotionally unfulfilled state.

Now, trying to get myself to the most level, content place I can so I can be of use to anyone else does make plenty of sense to me. Whether that be my wife in god only knows what her mental state is, or some other person in the future. But, for me, to try and come up with a life plan that is a solitary one is very unmotivating. Especially considering that up until the last few months I never seriously thought I'd have to.

It's hard to forgive yourself for mistakes that continue to hurt you, and may always hurt you so long as you live. I mean, even if I did forgive myself, what help would that be? This could be 0% my fault and I'd be devastated just the same. The fact that this guilt hasn't driven me to hurt myself or get lost in the thought of doing so, means I'm forgiving myself pretty well I think. I'm so angry with myself I could hurt myself. I'm not going to. But I could justify it to myself based on my grief.

I'm so glad to see that you've made a list, beakybird, and your personal qualities and characteristics are wonderful. You can use that list as a baseline, and add things 'about you', 'what you like' and the 'things you are good at', to the list at any time, going forward. Just to let you know, in regard to your comment; 'being there for people' is an excellent and highly attractive quality, by my, and I'm sure, most people's standards, and it is one that is becoming harder to come by, these days. Don't worry about your 'nutty emotions'! We all have them, periodically! I know all about them, personally!

I don't think the life plan has to be solitary. You can want to be with the right person. The issue is feeling you HAVE to be with someone; that is, seeing yourself as incomplete without someone else. That will only make you feel inadequate. You are complete. And you can also want the right person. I know I do. But, I also know that if I end up single then it doesn't mean I'm a failure or my life is ruined. I mean, I can live without coffee and still be happy, but I really, really want coffee every morning.

You see, this last concept is very alien to me. Living happily without what I want. It, to me, feels like a contradiction. If I'm supposed to be trying to live a happy life, how ts that possible without the things that make me happy. I have no internal contentment. When I was a Christian, this was always a source of why i felt I was a failure there too. I am not just 'content' without the things that bring me to that state. Like you say, a small example of coffee. Your perspective and things you say seem to mirror a lot of what my wife has said to me about herself. She has the same thinking. I'm reminded of this because shortly before we split she quit caffeine to see it it would help her anxiety she was having. And I could not conceive of how someone could just do that. If I had to I could, but that's only coffee. My deeper needs being neglected will cause a far more tumultuous reaction in me.

I don't so much feel my life is a failure per se, but when your main want in life is something you don,t have, and thought you did can bring about a feeling of failure. I think it's hard for a lot of people to understand the way I feel it, because the vast majority of people have SOME goals purely for themselves. Some desired, dreams, hobbies, things that involve no one else but them. That if no one is around, they can just divert more energy into the other things. I have no other things. Never have, and I don't know how to develop them. So basically, anytime alone is like a prison sentence I'm just waiting to be over. I'll be scratching another tic in the wall today, just counting down the days until I can get out and life can continue.

Life's about trying to be happy. For me it is at least. And this is a VERY difficult pursuit for me. But you appear to have very similar thought processes about this type of thing, so I respect what you are saying. If I'm being honest with myself, my emotions are still throwing a fit at the idea of having to be alone. So any way to do that is going to sound impossible for me. Right now there are no words that will make me feel it'll be ok because my mind is still convinced the only way that can happen is if she come back. Which just feels less and less likely by the day.

I hope all the words from the other folks here are sinking in, Beakybird.

I'm glad people have taken the time to try to assist you out of your Abyss. It was nice of them. You're not indebted to them, since they did it out of the kindess of their hearts. But use this as a truism: that people do care out there, and it's not a "cold. cruel world."

I feel you have a strong foundation, and will succeed ultimately.

Always remember (this is cold, but true).

You are your own person, independent from other people.

Even if she doesn't come back to you (though I think she will), you have the opportunity to be your own person, pursue your own dreams. And (if she doesn't come back) pursue some other person who would be more sympathetic to your advancement.

Perhaps you have to really examine what are wants and what are needs for you. I really want a satisfying sex life, but have only had one for certain periods of time. That doesn't mean I don't try to find the right partner, but I have had to accept periods of time where this want is not fulfilled. I can still fulfill sexual desires, but maybe not in the way I really want. It doesn't mean my life is totally unhappy or I won't ever fulfill those wants, it just means I can only control certain things. That is hard to accept. I've learned to because it made me a lot happier than the alternative.

I think it's also helpful to be open to experiences more than having a lot of preset expectations. Easier said than done, of course, but if one holds onto a rigid view of what they want then they will probably end up unhappy. Sometimes I've gone out to buy music and hoped to find certain releases. I didn't find them and felt disappointed. If I held onto that sense of want, I'd be miserable. But, I could also understand that the trip to the store was fun, and it was nice to get out, and so I was happy. I didn't become happy in the way I planned or expected, but I was still happy.



This would be a good time to ask yourself why you don't have any goals for yourself, then. I'm not saying there's a right answer, but asking the questions will probably lead you in the right direction (wherever that is). You said you don't have friends--perhaps you'll discover how to make some and how fulfilling that is. People here are certainly reaching out, and if you lived closer I'd certainly consider you an interesting person to spend time with. Or, maybe you'll discover another part of yourself. The point is, asking these questions instead of holding onto a specific view of yourself will only lead to happiness for you and a better relationship with your wife or someone else. It may not be easy, and it may be slow, but that doesn't mean it won't be good.



Well, it's good you're acknowledging your emotions so you can let them run the course they have to run. This may not be helpful, but I wouldn't say life is about anything. Happiness is important, but it's just part of life. I think the more we make life about something, the more unhappy we can become. In your case, that something has been removed, so you only see loss. I can understand that feeling at this point, because this is all still new and still happening, but you also seem to be saying that your future will be full of this loss. I'm not sure anyone thinks the situation is as hopeless as you do. Your wife may not come back, but if you believe that her being there is all that can make you happy then I think it puts a pressure on her which will only contribute to her current emotional issues. It's basically a guarantee that things won't work out. You can't be strong and supportive if you're using her as a crutch.

I'm trying to take others perspectives and comfort into account. And it has been quite helpful.

I know 'some' people care in this world, just really not all that many. I still believe that. Fortunately some of the people around here are kind enough to waste time in their own lives reading my long-winded crap.

I don't know what being my own person even means. It's quite likely I'm going to be forced to learn.

I suppose I've always struggled to separate want and need. That distinction can go too far also. I mean, I don't really need to have the internet. Or a computer. However, had I not this last month or two, I very may well have killed myself. It's a hard thing for me to weed out for myself. It really is. Having someone in my life FEELS like a need. Does that make it one? Not necessarily. But how to tell the difference? I suppose time will probably have to tell. It's so hard for me to accept life without the things that I enjoy because there are so few of them. And I really (and this may not make any sense) don't have any idea how to find any. I just don't know how.



A lesson at the top of my list of things to work on right now. Rigid thinking is one of my biggest enemies and always has been. Thing is, I've always known it's there, it just takes a lot of creativity for me to get around it. And diligence. I'm trying to drop my expectations thing. Your scenario would have ruined my entire day. Maybe sent me into a depression. That's what I know I need to work on and part of the reason I am where I am right now.



I've asked that question at many different times actually. Why do I not have goals and interests like everyone else? The answer differs depending on which of my life stages we're talking. There's no one simple answer, but I could go on for pages on that matter. I don't have friends. I mean I do have one, pretty far away. A very good friend, a brother, one I'm very thankful for believe me. But, we aren't in our 20s anymore, guy's got a family and lives almost 3hrs away. But, I'm learning to take nothing for granted. I did way too often in way too many ways in my marriage. But, I do appreciate you, and everyone that's reached out. I just also am not even sure how to make friends, or fear that without anything to say alot of the time, there will be no way to keep any. I'm trying to examine myself through this. I really am. But it's the hardest time of my life.



For me, life HAS to be about something. Without that I lose motivation to wake up in the morning, and clean myself, go to work and pay my bills. Grind through the monotonous existence. For what? For me it's to try and be happy sometimes. Your perspective seems so impossible to understand for me. Isn't that what a goal is? Wanting something?

That last part is something I realize too. It just seems like there's no way for me to navigate that successfully.

Thank you for the detailed response. For now, I'll just say that it certainly isn't wrong to want. You're right--that is part of a goal. Just be careful about valuing yourself and your life based on wants.

No, thank you man. Seriously. You've taken a lot of time here to give thoughtful feedback and given me some things to look at. You've spoken same very hard truths to me that really, really hit home. Also reiterated many things, ironically so, that my wife had tried to teach me over the years. But hearing these from someone who doesn't even know me somehow brings additional validation. I appreciate that you really appear to get where I'm coming from in regards to my own personal struggles of managing my own emotions.

I don't expect you to keep coming back to this I really appreciate the time. I will keep you roped into this thing until you quit...