Rants

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I HATE taking medication. I just picked up my prescription of potassium citrate last night. I've been anxious about everything for the past 2 weeks (checking account bouncing in 3 figures, no thanks to my stupidity, upcoming kidney surgery, car problems, trying to find part-time work with little luck, etc.). I went to bed at 11:30 last night. I have only been able to get 1/2 hour sleep no thanks to the panic attacks I've been having since 12:30. Potassium citrate has sent my anxiety through the roof.

Another invitation=convocation, (is this english or just french ?) Why ?
I hate her for wanting to fix me in her judgements.
Really, behind her imposed goodness she's making you in dept, and that happens not only to me,
She asks can I bring you this or that and then refuses the payment, after that she's judgemental and gossiping

She's big fan of the ex and we must always come together,
ok and then we go (again), her husband's even more chaotic than mine and the son schizo, what leads to weird conversation, last time I couldn't stand it, one talking on one side and the other on the other side of my head.
But she's mostly not living with them, but somewhat in denial about that

Grrr, I am cheesed off with selfish people, greedy gits, never having enough, always wanting more, the grass is always greener, no impulse control, trying to fill the black holes inside of themselves with anything and everything, including things that are not theirs, enough is never enough, IS IT?

What's up with the edited swear words? Aren't we all adults? Even if we don't act like adults, lol?

Oh yeah I forgot about the adolescent and children's forums. I'll try to keep my swearing to a bare minimum. One more question though even if it's edited they would still know what the word is. Swear words are nothing compared to other obscene stuff minors are exposed to though.

as though "minors" are totally inexperienced at profanities themselves.

I'm ready to tell one of my roommates to take a long walk off of a short pier. I picked him up from work this afternoon at the SPCA. I told him I had a load of laundry both in the washer and dryer. When he asked what I did with his wash that was in the washer, I told him I put it back in the was basket on top of the dryer. He flipped, and started to curse me out, since those clothes were supposedly exposed to parvo. He started threatening me with buying him a new wardrobe because of it. He now keeps his door locked at all time, so no one will have access to the washer and dryer. Well, if he wants to get nasty, I may have to call the landlord and rescind my permission for him to get with a dog or a cat. I'm going to have to call him anyway, since he just got a notice from the electric company that the power is about to be shut off, just like I got the notice from the sewer authority that the water was going to be shut off. I think it's time to find another place to live.

Just feel like ranting, to get it all off my chest.

Just been in Tesco, an no matter where I stood, there was always somebody hovering near me, then reaching their arm out right in front of my face to get the item that's directly in front of me. It's not just an odd occasion thing. It's everywhere I stand, every time I'm in any shop. It's just so distracting.

And those bloody self-service tills. I brought three items, and because there were noisy kids running around, I couldn't concentrate on adding up, so I just assumed the three small items shouldn't be more than £5. Then I went to the self-service till, and I scanned the items through, then very hastily put the £5 note in. I stood there like an idiot waiting for the change, but nothing was happening, so I called a member of staff over and she said I needed £1.12 more. See, on those self-service tills it says 'cash due' meaning the amount of money you need to pay, then after you have paid it says 'cash due' meaning the amount of change due, and that sometimes confuses me. Then people wonder why I have attacks of social phobia and don't want to go out. It's because of things like this happening.

And cars piss me off. Cars, cars and more cars. Everywhere. I wish it were the times when fewer people owned a vehicle. And cars never wait for me, but they wait for others, like at a crossing. But me, I'm just an unimportant person that gets ignored I guess.

Oh, and speaking of getting ignored, when it comes to teenagers I don't get ignored. When they are loitering about and I happen to walk by, boys have to try to get my attention by shouting hello but not in a friendly way, and girls have to stare at me and whisper something to each other like they are judging me. f*****g c***s.

Bloody Internet Explorer, you can't type fast because it misses a letter out in every other word. Why? And I am using an updated computer because I am in the library.

The world just pisses me off sometimes. If there are words with a letter missed out, it's stupid Internet Explorer. I can't be bothered to read through it.

Our dryer is acting up and we can't get anyone to look at it till Tuesday, I need work clothes too.

my washing machine is sounding like it is on its last legs. and some rude barking dog gave me a hard time in the supermarket today.

I feel mired down by expectations, and I can't tell if they're real or just in my head. I always feel expectations to act/react/respond a certain way, which obviously I'm not. Autism, and an ingrained habit to try to people please make a horrendous mixture.

I want to scream at people to go away. Especially if they do something nice. I don't know the reciprocal dance, and it all gets mucked up.

I prefer no favors, no help, no kindness, and no acknowledgements. They always come weighted with expectation, and I drown. Killing me with kindness. F@$+ my life some days.

Man, I seriously wish I wasn't autistic. Maybe I could tell my mom I love her, or, even f*****g call her once in a while just to ask how she's doing. Maybe I could've won over my ex with good social skills and showed her I'm a good person. Maybe I could tell the girl that I like, that I actually like her (alot.) Maybe I could make friends at work, or, at all. Maybe I could do something with my saturday night other than post in a "rants" thread while shitfaced. Maybe I could make friends at all.. hell, I could do things with my life.

Holy f**k I'd give anything not to be autistic, I've come so far.. I have a full time job and I'm independent but I can't do anything with it because of this god-awful mental illness that I had no choice but to accept at birth. f**k life, f**k genetics, thanks for this awful curse, universe. f**k autism.

Just need to re-itterate what I just posted.. I like her. A lot. I wish I could tell her. But it would make things awkward, she's extroverted, and NT. I can't relate to her life as she cannot relate to mine, so why bother? She likes masculine, extroverted men, neither of those things describe me. I'm just a piece of s**t alcoholic with mental illness, why bother? The only value I have to women is that I'm stupid rich, I could fully support a family, but I guess that doesn't matter. The only thing that a woman is apparently attracted to is an overly masculine man that would do anything to exert his masculinity on both his lover and any man that dares to threaten his social status. And yet, I'm just a piece of s**t. I'm too shy to admit anything, I dislike fighting and aggression and I'm horribly depressed. Why admit that to her?

Why even tell my mom I love her? She wouldn't believe it. I moved 1,000 miles away. I wish I could tell her the truth, that I'm too disabled to care for myself, that I'm too disabled to be independent. But I have too much pride. I f*****g hate being autistic. I'd rather commit suicide then continue living with this awful illness, I'd rather be able to tell I* how much I like her, I'd rather tell my mom I love her, I wish I could tell my ex, Q*, that I f*****g loved the f**k out of her, but I couldn't. Because this awful, awful mental illness dissguising itself as autism prevents me from doing so. It prevents me from being happy. It prevents me from having a family, friends, anything. All I can have is this awful curse, this awful mental illness known as "Asperger's syndrome" yet I'm supposed to pretend it's just some minor difference that makes me mildly shy around people in social situations. f**k that. This disability completely, 100% prevents me from being happy in any context of the word. I can't have friends, family, or a lover because of this awful f*****g illness. I've saved up so much and gone so far with my life, but I can't amount to anything because of this awful illness. I'd give everything I have to be rid of this awful f*****g curse, I could be happy. I could admit to my ex, or my current crush how I feel about them. I could admit to even a WP member I wish to get to know them better as a person, but I can't. Because I'm autistic. I guess it doesn't matter how much I have or how far I've come, at the end of the day I'm an autistic piece of s**t with no masculinity who can't admit to people how I feel about them, positivitely or negatively, and because of it I will die both alone and unhappy.

Seriously, f**k autism, f**k me. I could be so f*****g happy and be so much further along with my life if not for this awful mental illness. I might actually have been able to admit to my ex how I feel, maybe I could've shown her a good time. Maybe I could've shown her I'm "a real man" and a good time. Even if I couldn't do that, I could admit to my mom I love her and need her. I could admit to Is* that I value the f**k out of her and really wish I could get to know her better. Or even that I like someone here and want to talk to them about how autism is really f*****g difficult and how beautiful she is and she deserves better. Instead, I'm just a beta male alcoholic with mental illness. Thanks society, you really f****d me.

God, if I can make it past September without killing myself I'd be genuinely surprised. My wealth and success mean nothing ot me. I just want to be normal, so f*****g bad. f**k the f**k out of autism.

I really do miss her.. she was everything I wanted. She was shy, inexperienced, she loved skiing and a lot of other things. She was shy and inexperienced just like me.. it could've been me and her against the world. Everything I ever wanted, a shy, inexperienced girl.. nerdy, inexperienced and scared of the NT world. Instead, she used me to prove to people close to her she could get a boyfriend. That I'm just some autistic piece of s**t with no value except even the biggest of loser's self esteeem.

Why even bother if that's what love is? Just some person to soothe someone's self esteem issues? Even the nicest, most shy people use someone for their self esteem issues? What value am I then other than to be used?

I'll never in a million years find a girl like that again. If even the shy nice type can use people for whatever, why trust anyone? Do men like me exist to soothe the self esteem issues of people like her? Why not just do everyone a favor and kill the s**t out of myself? I have 60,000 in savings, I bet my mom would love to own that money, she's on my will after all.

God, I literally.. f**k, you don't even know. I'd give everything to not be autistic. I'd work for free my whole life. I'd give all my money away, my freedom, anything. I genuinely, 100% believe in my heart that I could be happy and successful if not for this awful curse called autism.