Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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To all the fake friends, the haters, the people who enjoy making awkward people squirm, I salute you.

(s**t, there's no middle finger emoji...)



(even better)

You really hurt me. I'm saving face and pretending that you didn't matter, but you did. I believed in you, even when I was told that you were no good. I saw your positive side and I liked it... I liked you. Why did you make things so difficult? Why did you seem to like me too and then just drew away? Why was it so difficult?

The pain is slowly fading.

Why is it the most enthusiastic to get to know you are the least able to be appropriate with what they found out.

Did you really do something as stupid as I fear you have? When you do things like this you make it worse. Why can't you grasp that

JUST STOP MEDDLING

please stop spontaneously showing up at the front door with hardly a few minutes notice, and then inviting yourself in. your intentions appear kind, but this isn’t your home... it’s tiresome to have to put everything away just for you.

Dear N,

I've been trying to get to the root of my issue that has resulted in weird behaviour on my part. I'm fairly sure that I've figured out what it is: A simple, basic fear of rejection. It is a fear I have carried with me throughout my life, ever since my childhood. I've spent my life finding it easier to not put myself out there, because it's easier to deal with than trying and failing.

Please let me make this clear: None of this is about you personally, but more about what my mind projects onto you, however irrational it may be. You haven't done anything wrong, and there is nothing you could have really done differently; it is my issue to deal with and resolve on my end. Because when I appear to be blaming you for certain things, it is really just a way of masking the fact that, in reality, it's myself that I don't trust or believe in.

Lately, I have been thinking of the idea of self-fulfilling prophecy, and how it might have factored into my life. When I was younger, I got told by the adults that I was a certain way, and because I believed it, I acted in that way. I always wonder, if I'd been given a chance to be normal rather than being told at the outset I was different, I wouldn't have developed as many issues, or ended up with such low self-confidence. That being said, I have also thought about self-fulfilling prophecy as having an immediate effect on my life: I am scared that my irrational thoughts will end up becoming the reality, just by the nature of them being so hard to deal with that it drives you away.

I am scared because I don't normally feel like this about people. In the past I have always scorned people who acted out of jealousy and insecurity; I didn't understand why anyone would treat their friends like that. Except now I fear that I am that person. All of a sudden I understand why people act out. Because in their minds - in my mind - the idea of loss or rejection is a very real possibility. Not because I think you'd ever deliberately hurt me like that, but because my mind rejects the idea that I am worthy of being cared for by other people; that eventually it will get too tiresome and people will back off.

I'm not used to people sticking around. I meet people without expecting anything of them, and I leave them behind pretty easily. It isn't often that I make an effort to actively pursue a friendship. After all, why should they want to bother with me of all people? I have lived in many countries, said goodbye to people and moved on pretty easily. I have relatives around the world who I don't get to see for months, even years, and am relatively fine with that. So the fact that I find it so hard to be so far away from you is a little disturbing because it's so out of character for me. And I keep asking myself: Why is this different?

Maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe there doesn't need to be a reason. Maybe I just care more because I met someone that I trust and can open up to. Maybe I'm put out because the one time I meet a true friend, they have to be miles away. Because some people are lucky enough to have a best friend that lives next door or down the road. Some people have lived in the same place for years, and haven't had to say goodbye. Maybe I'm jealous of that. Jealous because you have a whole life beyond what I see the few times we get to meet. A whole, fulfilling life. I see in you various things that I know I am lacking in myself, and wonder how I could possibly live up to that.

I miss you a lot, and in spite of my fears I really hope I get to see you soon, however selfish that is. Please don't give up on me, I am trying, I promise. I just hope it is enough.

Dear s,

Appreciate your friendliness and social interaction.
You are clearly a very sincere person with few judgemental traits.

But I so hate the fact that it brings out my shortcomings no matter how hard I try and just makes me
So hate myself and envious of the nt brain.

dear k,

i appreciate everything you've done for me, but there's nothing positive at all that can come from us continuing to be friends. actually, it's really hurting me. you're making me feel like i have a chance with her. i don't. you know it. if i did, she'd be talking to me herself and not you being a bridge for our communication.

i get why you want us to be together. i have my life together, i'm "husband material" as you put it. i see why you want me to date your daughter. but there's a very good reason why she wants to date guys who drive lifted trucks, have no job and smoke a lot of weed. that's her lifestyle, parties, concerts. you can't force her to be something she's not. we could've talked about these things, but she got scared and chose to ghost me instead. stop acting like she'll come around. stop acting like she'll talk to me about the problems we had. it's been a month. i want to move on and stop thinking about her, but as long as you're around, it isn't going to happen. i shouldn't even miss her, but i do, because you're leading me on. please, stop. please just move on. you've been a great friend and a great source of support and i'd take a bullet for you any day, but you're making me miserable. MOVE ON.

886

Dear s
Wish miracles could happen for me,

Dear Stupid Little Norman Rockwell Town,

Thanks for the memories. A lot of them sucked. This is a great place to live if you're part of the in-group. If you aren't, it's a complete hell-hole. I wasn't. It sucked.

But-- thanks for the memories. All those names I got called were part of the learning. I enjoyed the candy I bought with the pennies and nickels y'all threw at me in junior high. I enjoyed riding my bike and swimming in the creek.

I don't understand why you treat me like I was one of you now. I can see the ghost of that little girl, and I know she was a freak, but most of what happened here to my grandpa and my aunt and my mom and my friends and me was completely unwarranted. I'm glad you have been kinder to my kids, but-- well, basically, f**k you.

Goodbye. Thanks for everything. It's finally over, for ever and ever. I'm so relieved. I hope Pennywise stays down in the sewer where It belongs.

I think.

Dear Yesterme,

I hope you realize soon that it doesn't matter if people are watching/judging you. Their thoughts, feelings, and words don't change who and what you are. You know yourself better, and whether that is a person who is worthy of life and other things or not. I hope you pull your head out of your ass soon enough to improve your situation.

Dear Tomorrowme,

Hope you do better in the future.

Sincerely,
From Me.

Dear Me,

If you want to be something other than the way you currently see yourself, you have two options:

1) Re-write your values so that the things you currently see as failings and liabilities become virtues

2) Get busy and make your actions fall more in line with your values

Those are about the only things I can think of you can do about your problems with yourself. I would recommend, within the bounds of reason and common sense, that you go with the latter.

Love,

Me

Dear B,

Thank you for the time we spent together. Our relationship with its ups and downs was an amazing journey, and I will never forget, or regret any of it. Your dreams were my dreams, and I believe I did everything I could to make them real. We had both worked hard on keeping each other, and I honestly don't know what made you feel like it wasn't worth it anymore. I guess it will remain a mystery forever. You know I had sacrificed a lot for you, and it tore my heart to shreds to see you give up on both our efforts. It also deeply saddens me that you don't want to hear from me ever again, but I don't blame you. Your life is yours, and yours alone, and that's how it's supposed to be. I will probably never be as happy as I was with you, but it won't stop me from trying. Whatever happens, I only wish you the best of times. I hope you find yourself, and achieve the happiness that I can't. If you ever decide to talk to me again either as a friend, or just someone you used to know, I will be here, as you will always be special to me. Please take care of yourself.

With never ending love,
G

Dear Mom,
You always said I would fail. That's all I ever heard from you... that I didn't try hard enough.

...Well, I didn't.

So, ha.

Of course, given the vindictive things you said about me when our (sorry, *your*) band split up, and the belittling comments you sometimes made about my songwriting contributions, and the fact that you went behind my back and formed a new band with the drummer I recruited, I'm gutted to hear that you were recently beaten up on a night bus.

I don't feel any schadenfreude.

I don't feel any sense of vindication.

I don't feel that karma has finally served your your just desserts.

Oh no, not me. I would never be that petty.

Not at all.

dear ~,

i'm sorry i wasn't perfect. we moved fast, we both had our baggage, and we both couldn't trust each other like we needed to. i'm sorry you felt i wasn't making an effort. i was, and had you made any effort to communicate that you weren't satisfied with the time i spent talking to you, i could've stayed up more for you and texted you more like you like. i don't personally put weight into text messaging like you do, and i wish you gave me the chance to explain that i prefer in person conversations strongly.. but a simple adult conversation, in person, would've made everything clear, and we would've been fine. i wish i knew what was so horrible about me that you couldn't make an effort to even try to stay friends, or try to talk to me at all. there wasn't any reason to be afraid of me, we've never fought or argued, or even slightly raised our voices at each other in person. but i guess those things are a product of the fact that you just didn't care.

you can pretend like i'm the most uncaring, cold a**hole in the world. and you can keep telling all our mutual friends that. but when you do, remember i was willing to open up, i was willing to try to communicate, and i would've fought to the death to keep you in my life, even if it was just as a friend with no chance of anything more. you put in no effort to do any of those things. instead, you ran away from everything and offered no explanation. i don't know how much more cold it gets than that.

i'm sorry i have to post this on an anonymous forum where it will never reach you.

886