Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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My son,

I miss you so much. I love you so much.
I really really want you here.
I'm holding one of your blankets, kissing it at times.
I'm hoping I have you by my side soon...
So much is weighing on me.
I pray to God I can do this.
....
I don't want to lose you....

I love you.

-Your mom

I hope the love for your son will push you to make yourself a better person.

You can do it, CaThar4G! But it will be hard at first. It will get better with practice, though.

dear ~,

i'm not interested in any more of your excuses and i'm even less interested in you trying to pretend any of this is my fault, you can't trick me into feeling guilty to keep the friendship/relationship/whatever we are alive anymore. you've made it very clear through your actions what you think and feel of me. in 2 1/2 years of knowing you, it's the same tired problem we always have. you show an interest in me, you plan something with me and then you completely disappear when it comes time. no texts, no calls, no effort. and every time i get some bad excuse or some guilt trip. i had every reason to cut you off, and i refuse to be told i'm "being petty" or "acting too quickly" i've expressed to you, many, many times over the last 2 years how much i absolutely hate it when you stand me up or blow me off like you regularly do, and you've not shown me anything to suggest you're sorry or willing to change.

if i chose to keep dating or staying friends with you, i'd have to accept that you'll never open up to me. i'd have to accept that everything will be on your terms, when we talk, what we talk about, when we go out, what can come of it emotionally or physically, i'd basically be your puppet you could use when you need an emotional thrill or attention. you can't trick me into thinking things are my fault to fulfill your goals of having me as that any more. you can either woman up, meet me alone and have an adult conversation about our problems.. and, y'know, actually try to make something of this or set appropriate boundaries, or you can just learn to live with the fact that i no longer wish to have you in my life.

quite honestly, 2 years ago when you went on facebook and told all your friends that you never liked me and that you were just bored, that should've been the nail in the coffin and i never should've made any effort to talk to you again. but we keep running into each other.. guess I need a new circle of friends or new hobbies, or something

love always,
...wtf is my WP username, anyway? i haven't auto logged out in 4 years.. anyways, love, whatever my WP username is

Dear tattleteller,

I don't know what compelled it.
I'm gonna get over it.
The look in your eyes at our last meeting didn't look sorrowful. They looked full of revenge. Why?
Perhaps God will show mercy to me.
I need people in my life less miserable,
because I get miserable.
But, I really do want to help people.
Sigh.

-me

Dear 886,

I always thought you sounded awesome. I hope you find a girl who doesn't place all her problems on you.

smudge.

Dear brother,

Calling someone a loser isn't a good thing to do. I don't care if you have a job, a house, a wife, and a child of your own.
That doesn't give you the right to act like some god. I don't have to bow down to you. You show yourself to be an a**hole when you called me that. The only reason I'm communicating with you is that you have my child. If not, I may still try, but if I had a choice right now, I wouldn't be as close to you. I just want my child back. It doesn't make me a loser that I messed up a few times. And, I'd rather have an encourager in my life.
I'm sore tempted to hurt you back. But, I know it'd not help as much as I really want it to. I'm NOT a loser. I'll keep saying that till I believe it because I don't want to believe negative voices or people.

-me

Why?

You're a really nice girl, but the timbre of your voice triggers my misophonia and makes me want to either claw your face off or curl up in a ball and cover my ears.

I feel really bad about it. It's not personal. I don't dislike you, I just can't be around you.

I don't want to alienate the few people who can actually communicate with me. Please don't think my disappearance into the work world reflects on any of you. I've just felt weird to say the least lately & I'm not interested in troubling anyone with it.

I hope I see everyone in person soon.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Dear mean people at camp,

Who the hell are you? Accusers, that's what.
I barely ask to turn noise down on electronics, and when I did to you, "no" in a snobbish voice. It's disgusting. Like little kids who can't get enough, but your adults? No, you're not.

-me

Dear Me. Hello. How are me today? Isn't it a nice morning?
I think I'm fine thank me. Thanks for asking! Yes. It's a lovely morning. I'm half asleep!
Anyway me, I need to start getting ready soon. They will be needing me to assemble more bikes for happy customers. Bye Me.
O.K. Bye...

It still hurts.

You're all happy now like nothing happened, but I've lost my friend. You don't even want to talk to me now. You don't write me little comments in my photos now.

I wake up crying, soul shaking sobs at 5am.

When will this pain be over? Why did this have to happen? I don't understand.

How could you be so cold to me and then be all happy? I don't know you any more. It hurts so much.

I miss you. But I'm scared to reach out again in case you freeze me out again.

Dear me,

I know you are hurt from people rejecting you because of your sound "issue". You are angry. Can you control your emotions? I don't know. That even makes me angry. Don't get in a spiral of uncontrollable anger. It hurts doesn't it?
To know that your family doesn't act like a real family (like from the Bible), and have mercy. There is nothing wrong with mercy. I crave it... Is that wrong? Go, easy on yourself when you fall for people who act merciful. There has to be someone real out there that won't take advantage of you. I know that you're scared that there isn't anyone out there like this. I'm even scared of myself.
Be kind. Don't hurt yourself because you are a mother to a child that loves you.
Don't listen to them. Be gentle to yourself.

-me

(After writing this, I think I'm arguing with myself.)