Rants

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To the dickhead psych who saw me in October: did you actually listen to a word I f*****g said? For some reason they sent me another copy of my report today, which I shouldn't have re-read but I did, and oh my god is this guy kidding me?!
'She has a trusting nature' what the f**k? I mean, this doesn't even have a bearing on anything I was seeing him for, it didn't even come up in conversation, so why did he write it, and how did he come to that conclusion without asking me? I am the opposite of a trusting person, socially my instincts are contempt and mistrust. People are liars in every aspect of themselves, they're taught to be liars and they're hypocrites too because at the same time they'll hold up conventions that lying is 'bad'. Lying isn't bad, mistrust isn't bad, those are the things I use to get me through the day. Maybe it's because I'm so negative about other people that I'm apparently a good judge of character; the fact is people do front, they do invent versions of themselves and they can't be trusted, but there's a transparency to it if you know where to look, and certainly a side I can empathise with. People aren't real, f*****g fine. I guess as long as we all can't be ourselves (if we want to function anyway) then that's fair, even if it's fair in a f****d up kind of way. Clearly I've lost my train of thought, but my point is: I am not a trusting person. I do not have a 'trusting nature'. And the reason I'm not trusting is that I'm honest enough with myself to know that I lie.

And by the way, if you thought I was trusting because I told you stuff, maybe look a little at context, because I should be able to have some sort of open discourse with a qualified psych if I want any help. Even then I lied to your face, because I didn't like the way you patronised me.

I'm now having the trippy double-feeling of anger and derealisation, nice. So everything's soft and hazy, but also I want to smash something. I don't know what to do now, I have to go to bed since I'll be up at 5, but I'm scared to sleep because I'll get sad. Every time I feel like this and I settle down to sleep, those last little walls of emotional restraint give in. I would like not to have a breakdown, but that's not going to happen. Good night all, I am properly screwed.

Have you ever read the book Born Liars, that was kinda interesting.

Wow, I am a major b***h when having meltdowns. I also curse very profusely.

I hope my family doesn't hate me. I don't like being like this.