Rants

Post Reply New Topic

I would love to join you! I might bring my own chips though... they looked a little pale those tortillas. Mine has a lot of cheese on them, you can have some if you want

It doesn't seem (ha ha apparently I have spelled "seem" with an "a" and no one has commented on it) like it's natural for me to connect to more then a few people at the time (in the sense I'm able to connect at all) I think I can reconnect again though at a later point.

Well....

I am in a billion tears

I saw my last pastor downstairs in my building and was speaking to me and I didn't know what to do so I just ignored and got on the elevator, he continued to speak to me and I burst into tears on the elevator and I can't stop crying. PTSD over load if you will and if you can get PTSD from bad social interaction

It didn't help matter that my state of mind was exactly why he hated me to begin with

I would like to go ahead and just cut my hand off with a knife but I am assuming this is anxiety related and I'll cool down in a minute. If I wanted to die, I would have done it in 2015.

Minecraft, the only valid thought right now is Minecraft.

Customer today looking for a punch in the face:

1) was very rude about the products, somehow made it a personal attack on me. I (as a representative of the store) am trying to 'con' people out of cox apples; in fact we have 'some sort of agenda against them'. Or, you know, they're just out of stock, you utter b***h.
2) asked if she could speak to a man on my department. What the actual F**K?!
3) TOUCHED MY F****G SHOULDER

AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE

I am in control of my temper, I am in control of my temper, I am in control, I am in control

Holy s**t I am thinking I am going end this freaking s**t tonight,

Poor communication with family, I got confused on something and now they probably think I am crazy. Truth be told, minor facts don't tend to stay in memory these days since what ever happened to me a while ago screwed me up. They probably think I am baked, which may or may not be fantastic to memory but whatever brain damage I have seems to be unrelated to that or at least the immediate use of that.

Plus just go ahead and light a match on my life tonight and F it all to hell cause talking to my dad is F-ing impossible. He thinks I am special, I don't even what know what he thinks of the things I do. He thinks I am completely inapt with computers and electronics all because I supposedly left a screw and killed a chip we were messing with when I was 16. One, that board had crap reviews and two, I was freaking 16, I wasn't building robots and servers.

No one has intelligence to my dad but I am completely inapt in his eyes,

Please murder me,

^^^ dcj don't adopt your dad's view of yourself. You know you're smart, you may never be able to prove it to him but you'll always know it in yourself.

I have the same kind of relationship with my dad, he treats me like I'm special and I'm pretty sure he gets a kick out of it. One part insecurity, two parts ignorant dickhead. My knowledge is more current than his, my retention far better, but he still measures me by the level I was at years ago. The one thing about dads in my experience; they never let s**t go.

Don't cut your hand off, don't set your life on fire. Don't cut your hand off, then set it on fire, then murder yourself with it.

Breathe, have some tea, play a game . (On a computer that you built, which works because funnily enough- your dad is wrong).

Ahem. I may or may not have melded some of my own dad problems into that. Still holds up though

Sometimes I wish I could have turn back time and take back everything and start all over again.

I want my lost time back. I wish I could have lived it.

I should've told somebody sooner.
If I did, I could have prevented literally everything. I wouldn't have to be me now.

I didn't have to struggle alone.
But I didn't know that you could turn to people for help. I thought that everything you did, you had to do alone.

I didn't think that people were as kind as I do, and I didn't think that people could be trusted.

I literally drove myself crazy with paranoia.

(I don't even remember what I was saying. I'm gonna stop now. )

Dammit. Dammit.

Never realized that there were more pathways to get to where I would like to go possibly from naysayers as well as my own doubts about how things have changed within the post secondary education system.If I had known sooner I might have considered the option at an earlier time. Never less, I'm choosing it now and I hope to do much better than originally tasked.

Damn depression,

Its hard to deal with on a daily, I feel so horrible I think I am going to crawl into a ball and go to sleep.I don't want to be here, I don't want to do hobbies, I don't want to play something, I just want to die and not exist and I would like to have never existed actually. That would be the best outcome but I'll shelter for past existence if I just cease to be aware of the complete failure that is my life.

I feel strange

And broken

It feels like something clicked in my brain again kinda of like when I almost killed myself a year ago, a year ago, my brain felt weird and I was just consumed by sadness to the point that I didn't even care if died, it felt beyond suicidal. Now my brain feels weird and I am just numb to everything, I can't cry anymore. I've cried for 30 hours and I think I broke

I think I just died inside

This IPTL (International Premiere Tennis League) tournament is so boring! There isn't one player in it of any interest to me.

Step out of then and into now. I will be a happy person.

I can do it if I try.

I think I've cried it out enough.

'It'--or rather 'them'-- are in the past.
As long as I don't think about it I won't cry.