I am expected to write letters of forgiveness.

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Meh, I think I probably need to write a letter of empathy to myself.

I am coming to the realization that the reason why this frustration over past exploitations overwhelms me so easily today is because there are parts of myself that cling onto the false belief that I am actually to blame for the abuse that I endured.

Of course, I was a child, and I was far less functional back then than I am now, and the people who abused me were adults who knew exactly what they were doing, and they knew exactly how to keep me silent - they kept me silent by telling me that the abuse was my fault.

Recovery - what a mindf**k it can be.

The strong are always preying on the weak and making them think it's their own fault. Many people have been ruined emotionally and sometimes physically as a result. The emotional scars are the hardest to heal.

Self affirmation is very important to recovery.

You are correct about all of that except for one major point.....

Truly strong people never feel the need to prey upon the weak. The only people who prey upon the weak are weak people without any moral fiber. My abusers are not strong. They are about as chickenshit as people can get.

The reality is that I am by far the strongest person in my family tree. Others in my family tree have all kinds of excuses as to why their narcissistic actions are perfectly acceptable and about how they did nothing wrong in the big scheme of things. They play the "we were abused, that gives us the right to abuse" card quite often. They are scared of me, because I am not buying into any of that. I am taking a chainsaw to my family's lack of spiritual and moral fiber. To them, I am a genuine threat that could very well sink their boat, which has NEVER once been rocked significantly before.

So, they try to speak poison into my ears and they try to convince me that this newfound desire to be my own man is really nothing more than mental disorders at work.

To that message coming from my family, I quote the great Geto Boys - "f**k YOU, MATE!"

I should have clarified that I meant strong in the physical sense only, while you're still a minor you're usually also physically weak.

I applaud you for having the type of strength which really counts, which they totally lack. You've come such a long way and must not let them manipulate you any further at this point with pleas, tears and emotional blackmail.

You remind me of the title character in the Roald Dahl book and similarly themed movie Matilda, where she has nothing in common with her family and who found inner strength to get her own back on the people, family and otherwise, who ill treated her.

By this, I'm not trying to minimize what you went through but to use an example of how she overcame her physical weaknesses, and yet remained a noble and steadfast character.

And my family is incredibly, ridiculously weak.

The latest development? My mother is having the family Christmas gathering at her house, and she invited my molesters over because she really wants to remain on a friendly basis with them. I told her in that case I am going to the movies on Christmas Day. Now I have my mother and my grandmother trying to break me down, saying things like, "It is not fair at all for you to try to force us to choose sides between you and your aunt/uncle! We are not going to choose sides to accommodate how unhealthy and selfish you are being! This is making us VERY sad, you don't want to make us sad, do you?"

Oh, goddamn these b*****s.

I will never get the verification I need from my blood family. I will never get the respect I deserve from my blood family. They will forever try to keep me in a state of perpetual shame, and that is just flat-out pathetic on their part. From my mother's nonstop attempts at gaslighting me ("You always remember things differently from how they actually happened, that's the way autism works, you need to accept that your memory is always wrong!") to my grandmother's attempts to emotionally blackmail me ("I am almost 80, I do not have much time left to live, I want the family to be together when I die, and it makes me very sad that you are sabotaging that, because it really is a personal attack you are making against me and has nothing to do with any molestation and rape that happened!").....

s**t.

Now, my mother is saying that by me not going to Christmas with the family, I am letting my aunt continue to beat me into submission. f**k HER AND HER f*****g PATRONIZING BS. "Christopher, you are really unhealthy, if you were healthy, you would be around your aunt and uncle, and it would be no big deal whatsoever. The fact that you are holding on to being raped as a child is proof that you are far more unhealthy than the people who abused you ever will be."

What evils did I commit in my past life to get me born into a bloodline like this one?

They are wrong. Why don't they invite a turkey to share Christmas with them and share their meal? Would he, when one of his relatives is the main course on the menu?

Since the aunt and uncle haven't ever made any amends, asked any forgiveness etc and appear to have no shame, I'd avoid going there and believe you'd be better off at the movies, having a meal at a restaurant if you can afford it, going anywhere where your town or city has Christmas activities planned so you don't have to be alone. Because it does sound exactly like emotional blackmail to me and they weren't the victims - they should not allow the sickos into their home if they respect you.

If we were in the same country I'd find a way to meet you and have a nice meal and show together, because it's not a "family" occasion for everyone.

Yeah, I just have to accept that many people in my life are beneath contempt, accept it, embrace it, and move on with my life. Because this lingering false hope that reality might click with them one day is just not worth it.

Oh, my sweet friend, bourbon, how I long for thy companionship once again.

I cannot continue to let parasites stay in my head rent free.

I will skip the Maker's Mark and put my angst on paper. I have many fictional tales floating through my mind, just waiting to be let out, just waiting to be made known. Anaesthesia is easier than productivity, but productivity reaps greater rewards.

Would you consider announcing that you have thought about all of the people in the world with so much less and decided to dedicate the holiday to those suffering after sorting through what is available for volunteering in your area? Personally I'd look for an opportunity in a women's shelter as they tend to keep their location secret which would avoid unwanted visits. Or maybe a Ronald McDonald house?

You aren't obligated to engage around their petty justifications. Go be appreciated by real people who've something to complain about that isn't you.

s**t, man, I actually was thinking about volunteering at the local disability resource center. Conveniently located right next door to the community college that I want to start going to on a part-time basis. I already am deeply involved in DDA advocacy in my county. You are right, the more I help others, the more insignificant my own problems will become. That is the cornerstone of Step Twelve.

The reality is that I really do have too much time alone in my flat for my own good. So, what am I going to do about it at this point? (Asking myself that question, not anybody else.)

Who knows? I have more than enough firsthand experience to relate to other male victims of sexual violence. I have more than enough firsthand experience of the marginalization that homosexuals face. I have more than enough firsthand experience of the marginalization that other people with Asperger syndrome face. I could let it fester inside me, or I could translate it into passionately advocating for others in those marginalized boats.

What I am looking for is not really acceptance from the world around me. What I am looking for are reasons enough to keep going, to give meaning to everything I went through, to not decay away in self pity and self abuse. I need to justify my existence to myself. That means I need to start putting in more of an effort to participate in the world around me.

All of this is daunting. But necessary.

You can do this.

You can do it, my friend. I'm also a gay Aspie so I can identify with you quite a bit in the challenges you face.

Try to get involved in activities where you will feel useful and appreciated. It always feels good to improve the lives of others, even being able to put a smile on the face of just one. Maybe you'll even be able to tell your mom that you'll be too busy with planning Christmas activities for the less privileged / marginalized to attend their stuff. Not that she will appreciate that anyhow but it would feel good just to say you've got plans!