In survival mode

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I had a somewhat surreal experience this morning. I woke up around 7 AM and was pretty anxious and had difficulty getting back to sleep, but I managed it. For about 3 hours, I seemed to frequently switch between wakefulness and dreams involving false awakenings in either a hotel or hospital room. (I'm currently staying at a hotel.) I knew I needed to get up by 11 AM to pay for the next night, so that concern was present throughout the waking and dreaming moments. It's like I would get up in a hotel or hospital room that was different from the one I was staying in. I identified one room as a hospital room because of the present of bookshelves--absent in my room. I was thinking about getting up in time to pay for the next night, and I seemed to wake up in what looked like my hotel room, but I couldn't move, no matter how hard I tried. But then I managed to get up! in a hotel room I couldn't recognize. I realized I was back in dreamland. "Damn!" I thought to myself! Rinse and repeat several times over.

I finally got up around 10:50 AM and was able to pay.

How much are you paying per night?

I'm wondering if a room in a decent rooming house somewhere might be better.

kraftiekortie

I just had one contact for rooms, but after I told them I was on SSDI (after they asked where I worked) they rejected me because they're "working people" and don't want a "homebody."

I'm still afraid of losing my SSDI, so I become very pessimistic. I find becoming pessimistic and depressed helps to salve the uncertainty. I feel more in control when I'm pessimistic and depressed.

I just did the calculation: Assuming I get SSDI the whole year and with the IRA withdrawal, I have gone above 138% of the federal poverty level for my annual income. This means I may not get Medi-Cal, at least without cost-sharing.

I'm just fed up and tired.

I have long, for more than a decade, have had a tendency to consume much of my media as well as things like my computer text in Japanese. I occasionally have speaking practice, but not often as I'm not very social. Nevertheless, my pronunciation at least seems to have improved over the last couple of years, as often now native Japanese speakers won't switch to English on me. (I know that pronunciation makes the biggest first impression on native speakers.) Nevertheless, I am soon to be either on the streets or in an institution. I doubt I could maintain any meaningful practice in either situation, so I have begun to mourn the loss of this linguistic relationship (for lack of a better term).

I can't even imagine what it would be like on the streets, but without SSDI (which I might very well lose), I won't have the money to maintain it. Good-bye will it go.

The other situation is being in an institution. I've been in mental hospitals, including one time for 6 months, and they severely restrict access to your own stuff, including any computers, phones, or media players. I would have no case to convince them to maintain my input, not being a heritage speaker, as they are likely to say such things pale in importance to my treatment. They would say, as they have said in the past, that such things would distract from "focusing on [my] treatment" (whatever that means). Of course, the loss of input is likely to degrade my ability, as maintaining input is necessary to maintain proficiency in a foreign language, but they are unlikely to understand or care.

So I might as well enjoy it as much as I can now before I lose it forever. It's not like I was going to actually live in Japan or get a job that requires knowledge of Japanese. Oh no, that ship has sailed. I am still shy about holding conversations. Anyone would think that it could be discarded and that would be the end of that.

It all goes back to the fact that insurers won't cover sex reassignment surgery. If only coverage were available years ago. Things would be different. As it stands, there is only decline.

"The days have gone down in the West behind the hills into shadow." --J.R.R. Tolkien

At least I can still enjoy the small things. I just had a nice box of popsicles called "Bomb Pops." They are a comfort food for me.

There's a specific food on my mind that I want to eat. I'm going to keep thinking about it until I go get it.

I'm bored. I wanted mum to answer a question for me, but she won't. I wonder then if any of you will. What is the person here doing and what is she expressing?

I'm still waiting for my Medi-Cal to be approved. It's so hard to get treatment without it. I'm doing a walk-in Tuesday. They didn't store my benefit verification letter correctly, so we had to resend it. Apparently, when you have to resend it, your application goes to the back of the line.

Of course, another complication is the fact I've been withdrawing money from my IRA, which counts as income, and I've calculated that I am now $500 above 138% of the federal poverty level, so I may not qualify for Medi-Cal anymore. I've heard of cost-sharing, however, so maybe I will still be able to get it. Otherwise, I would get a special enrollment period to sign up for Obamacare. It'd be nice to get some sort of health coverage for once. Jeez.

I don't pass at all, and I've had an interesting question asked of me. Once, I was at Starbucks using my computer (this was before I started staying at the hotel), and there was this guy sitting in a chair. I made brief eye contact with him and he responded with, "What's up, bro? You got any weed?" I wonder what made him think I would have marijuana, when I've never even so much as taken a single puff of the stuff? I replied, "No," and that was the end of that.

I've been losing stuff a lot. A couple weeks ago, I lost a roll of quarters someone gave me so I could do my laundry. I was very frustrated, because I had just gotten them like 5-10 minutes before. I searched everywhere in the car, but then lost my keys, forgetting I had put them in my bag. 2 people from the gender center helped, and they said I had left the roll of quarters at the center.

I've been losing other stuff. Someone gave me someone to follow up with for finding a roommate. I lost the paper, but was able to get another copy. I sent an email, but didn't call the phone number yet. They didn't reply to the email, but I've lost the paper again, and can't find it.

Of course, if I tell someone about this, they're going to assume it's "resistance," or some other stupid psychoanalytical explanation, and they're going to respond by saying, "Well, don't lose them!" or by saying something like, "You should always have the same place to put stuff!" None of that is going to help, but the prick is going to be thinking that they're so smart and on point by telling me that. Of course, in response I could punch them in the face for saying such an inane thing I've heard a hundred times before, but I would take my anger and aggression and turn it inward and increase my own self-loathing, preventing me from having any outburst. But either way, I'm not going to get any real help, and I will continue to lose things.

So I might as well not even bring the goddamn thing up to any doctor.

I read this story:

http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2016/02/05/re ... 53f012071b

In the past, I would have become angry. Well, are they going to help us get surgery so we could comply? I would have thought. But in the past, that would have led to an outburst of anger, which I am not fond of. So now I turn the anger inward and increase my self-loathing. This restrains me from experiencing this anger. Basically, I see myself as ultimately undeserving, and this calms me down.

I don't think you should think of yourself as undeserving. It's not the reality, really.

It's just that governmental entities are REALLY cheap (and probably are forced to be). I don't think it's meant as a "dis" of you personally.

I understand it's a terrible thing to be in limbo. I wish there was a quick resolution to this.

Well, I went yesterday to a local ramen shop, which is staffed mostly by Asian-Americans (including some Japanese-Americans). I went there and ordered the usual, and gave it in the usual way (mostly in English, but naming the dish in Japanese). I had a female server who I had not had before. She clarified the name of the dish in English, which I did. A second server came and they both then opened the menu all the way and was like, "Do you mean this?" I said yes. I wondered what was the matter. I got my meal and ate it, but I was not served by the original server, instead by the second server. When I got my receipt at the end, I saw a Japanese name. I clarified who it was and it was the original server. What was strange was that even though her name was on the receipt, she only took my order. She did not bring my food out and she did take my check. In fact, she did not interact at all with me after clarifying the name of the dish.

My guess is that the servers probably thought that I was a white dude with yellow fever who was trying to hit on the original server by speaking poorly pronounced Japanese. Of course, one might think, But aren't you a trans woman? You have to remember, however: I do not pass. It also shows me my Japanese must be crap. It must have been overconfidence earlier to think that I had at least decent Japanese pronunciation. This event shows that I don't. It would be best to never show my face there again.

Of course, I'm thinking, Why don't I ask? But you're not supposed to ask for clarification on things like this. You're supposed to get the hint that they don't like you. After all, as it is often said, "We shouldn't have to be telling you this."