I've been suicidal

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I like this post. even like the green miles quote post above... And personally from reading your posts Babybird, I think ""you"" are far from Wretched. Possibly its just the wretched times ,we are being forced to live through.
Thanks to our Politicians imho. , whose big money buddies run the media. ((((feel better please)))

Yeah, pain is just stupidly isolating, to be honest. Physical, mental. I reckon carrying it is always, always an intrinsically solitary endeavour.

BUT there is love in your life. No small thing to be able to see and feel and appreciate it.

And I know how fortunate I am to have such great support around here too

Sorry to hear that you're going through this, Baby Bird. The mind is cruel but I'm rooting for you and so are many others here.

That's really nice of you Lost_dragon

Thank you so much and you take care of yourself too man

Sweet Pea hugs

May you patiently endure this difficult time, and may it pass soon.

Just saying: You know what makes me super depressed, verging on suicidal? Whenever I eat too much wheat gluten. TVP (Textured Vegetable Protein) is especially bad for me. There are no effects the day of eating it. But then the next day (starting about 24 hours after first eating it)? It's so bad! It takes a good half a day for it to go away again.

I have to limit myself to about 2 slices of whole wheat bread a day. And I also had to go a whole 2 years, gluten free (this was about 14 years ago)

Are there any foods that you notice have a negative effect on your mood?

Thank you CR
Sweet pea hugs back

That's interesting. I have had to make drastic changes to what I eat and even how I eat lately

There is something I eat that makes me feel like rubbish and it happens the day after I eat it and it's like I've got a hangover (I don't drink btw) I don't know what it is for certain but I'm down to it possibly being the stuff they treat oven chips with. I changed my brand of chip this weekend and it did seem to make things better.

Also portion sizes. I used to be able to stuff my face but that pursuit does give me a sinking feeling that is like a very deep sadness lately. So I've had to cut my portion sizes down. I've lost a lot of weight because of this as well. I had a big Mac meal the other day and I could have cried soon after I ate it and I can only say it was because I was full up. But that's a new thing. I'm working through a process of elimination with this. I'm glad you mentioned about this because I didn't link the two together before

Good luck with it all man. And thank you for your well wishes

I only allow myself 2 pieces of bread a day as well

I know people hate to be reminded that Christmas is round the corner but for me it's the thing that I keep focusing on because if I've got something to aim for then it's helping me to keep going

I mean it's really difficult to see the future ATM and I think it's because of the intrusive voice that I had but I am trying to push forward

its the darkness thats the hard part. It completely filled me up and the feeling that came with it was absolutely disgusting. I felt wretched and dirty

I was having flashbacks as well and I think it was that that was making me feel that way about myself but that seems to have ceased now, thank goodness

All you guys have shown me such warmth over the last couple of days and that's something I've not had very much of in my life. This won't be forgotten guys. Thank you all so much

I guess by now you figured out that was not true. Same with 'people that do commit suicide do not talk about it'.
Only thing I can say without making those same sometimes well intended mistakes... You are not alone in here.

Yeah and them very people are actually part of the problem

I didn't talk about it for the last few weeks because it's too much to talk about because it's not just down to one single thing

I'm actually unraveling it all in my brain this morning
I think talking about it must be vital in understanding what's going on with yourself
It is important to put yourself first sometimes and I think that this is one such time

And thank you so much for your help here and take care of yourself too

And maybe people don't talk about it because it's really difficult to get across the absolute intensity of it

I'm assuming also that each person has a different experience of it

I think my experience was mainly due to me having flashbacks and reliving things from my past. I kept getting "triggered" over and over again on a daily basis and I just couldn't recover from it. I was also having intrusive thoughts and voices and hallucinations
I have actually had to cut a couple of people out of my life because of this and these are people who I care about but certain (innocent) things that were happening brought on flashbacks and I think that's when it was at it worst

I'm hoping that I might be able to have these people back as friends at some point

There's been so much with this.
It's nice to be able to see daylight again. Its nice to be able to at least try and think about Christmas but I'm not up to thinking anything beyond that because it's still in darkness and that's to do with the voices

Anyway that's it

Its also been a really confusing time because I felt like I was being attacked and I couldn't work it out but it's my brain turning on me

and then reality gets skewed and things start getting amplified and before I know it I'm at full scale war with myself and everyone else is just getting on with life as normal

And all I can see is that it's the end of the world and I'm having flashbacks and all I can see and feel is darkness

I promised myself that if it happens to me again I will be straight on the phone to Samaritans, no matter how hard it is because this is like a disease and the more people who can talk about it, the better understanding we can all get

Trouble is with flashbacks is is that you don't know they're flashbacks because it's like it's happening in the here and now

It feels like my own brain just decided to join in the abuse that other people had put me through in my life and it was hard to even recognise that it was my brain doing it because you don't expect that if yourself

It is so confusing but I think I'm learning about it the more I go on