Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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Dear Archaic Society

Let me change my name to Sid. Shelby is sounding a bit too much like Shelly, these days.

You know who I am.

The Punker of My Threesome

Dear Mum,

Stop talking to me like a Valley Girl. Sentences should sound like sentences. You can make your questions sound like questions. I have no problem with that. You forget that I have the Mind of a 50 year old Londoner.

Shelby

PS

My Cockney accent is not fake, by the way.

Dear Parents,

It's me, the Shelby from 1997 and I've come back to haunt you. How do you like my bright clothes? How do you like my Mod hair? How do you like my Beatle Boots? Would you like a Schewppes Grape Gingerale? It's going to be a groovy day, baby!

Austin Powers

Dear Pink,

You are the colour that I hate the most. You remind me that girls are still supposed to be weak and meek. You are a reminder that girls are supposed to like dresses. You are a reminder that girls are supposed to like dolls. You are a reminder that girls are supposed to be into Barbie. You are a reminder that girls are supposed to be sweet. You are a reminder that girls are supposed to be sensitive. You are a reminder that girls are supposed to be into make-up. You are a reminder of the fitted clothes that are in all of the stores in the mall. You are a reminder of that horrible Valley Talk that females of all ages speak.

I like Blue a lot better.

Shelby

Dear Geoff,

I remember winter, back in late December, early January. Whenever it was. Those times seemed to blur together, just you and me and the chilly afternoon skies. You were so tender and sweet, and there was a time when you seemed to radiate pure magic, that's how amazing it was. I can't get the image out of my head of our secret oeillades and little notes, passed by each other in secrecy in the mornings, how my heart still pounds when I see you. If I sent this to you, you'd say I was sentimental, too loving. Clingy. You'd probably even understand, maybe even reminisce a little, but you'd never tell me. Maybe that's what I'd like to imagine. Maybe you don't understand. I love you now, I loved you then, I'll love you forever, but winter is when I loved you the most.

The times I remember, the times we have to come are all I exist on, waiting on baited breath for you. Once, you lent me your towel after we went swimming and I wrapped myself up and smelled you and you looked at me, and I don't even think you knew I was looking back, but you looked at me and I think you saw the world. I love those looks, and I sometimes catch you looking at me, and then you look away. I think you know...we're lucky.

There are stormy nights when I wish you were curled by my side, locking me in with clasped hands, and I call and tell you that, and you call me silly. Maybe I'm silly, but we're all closet romantics at heart. And I see you and there are so many things I can only tell you with a single glance, but whether or not you can see, I'll never know. Too many love letters have been written, stashed in the back of my file cabinet. Perhaps when I move, I'll find them and laugh. Maybe I'll give them to you, and you'll look at me and remember. You'll remember winter and how much we have.

Love,

Jess

To a good friend that I google with,

I am ready to lose weight for myself. My doctor told me about the joint problems that overweight people develope and the strain that their weight puts on their hips and bones. My nickname can still be Sid, if I get close to my goal weight. Only it might be Sid Vicious, instead of Sid from 'Flushed Away'. If I don't reach my goal, I'll still be quite a bit lighter and healthier. After hearing about the hip, knee and joint problems that older obese adults have, I'm ready to take the plunge. I saw a GI Diet Guide based on the GI units related to the Nutri-System plan. I'm going to buy it when I get payed, than I'll plan my future weekly grocery sprees around that book.

The Crazy Bus Lady

Ding-Ding!! !

Dear people my age,
I would really appreciate it if you didn't snigger at me and mutter things like "fat" and "ret*d" under your breath, or mock the way I move everytime you see me. If I could stop myself from twitching or shaking I would, if I could stop myself from swaying I would, if I could speak somewhat normally (or in some situations at all) in public I would. This may come as a shock, but your mockery only makes all these things even worse (the more you mock me, the more anxious I get and the more I act "ret*d"). You don't have to like me, but you don't have to mock every little thing I do either! It may not be kEwL to have AS, but regardless of that, some of us are born with it anyway, DEAL WITH IT! And in a more positive way than mockery!
Yours sincerely, your village idiot.

d...do you know where they live ?

Dear Father,
I win, Motherf***er! Burn in hell!! ! Your death has been far too long in coming.
From,
Subedei

Dear (name of ex-girlfriend),

Why didn't you want to move? Was it because you just wanted to be close to that stupid mall? Was it because you had a fear of any intimacy?

What was it about South Park that you found offensive? Why were you so happy with being overweight and flat-chested?

I really need to know the answers to these questions.

Tim

Dear Food,

You are my best friend. You give me something that no person can. I know that you will always be there for me. Screw Barbie...screw Twiggy. You may cause me to look like Sid, but you make me very happy. When I'm ready to get looked over by men, I'll look for a new friend. I'd rather have you, than a rich, good looking man. You have variety. Men only have tounges and penises. People see yet, another fat person, with a Cockney accent. I secretly take pride in that, because men probably think twice about assaulting a big woman with such an English appearance. My friends call me Sid, and I take that as a compliment, because I love the Late 1970s, Punk music, London and big beautiful people. I know that I could stand to lose about 30 more lbs, and that's what I set out to do, after losing my first 10. I've started out at 235 lbs, and I'm now down to 225 lbs. I still wish to stay bigger, my tasty friend...because big people are soft.

Sid