Rants

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...Is what I would like to say, but I can't because this actually affects my grade, and if my grades drop then I'm screwed.

So even though that would be a refreshing thing to say, I can't because this is important.

I am just about sick of people getting pissed off or insisting I am wrong just because I don't think exactly like they do, in a neurological way.
I am sick of people projecting their emotional norms onto me. I am alexithymic. I do not have those same emotions. It's draining pretending to care, and keeping up this act of obligation, when I don't. I'm just doing it because it's the correct thing to do, philosophically, and because there would be drama if I didn't. I dislike it when everyone starts projecting their own sentimental, emotional crap onto my behaviour and assuming I am like them. I dislike it when people use their own emotional justification, just a parroted formulaic programmed response, to censure my entirely logical, pragmatic, deeply considered behaviour. They just throw this flimsy emotional reason at me as if that trumps everything I have considered about the subject, because it's emotional and my reasons aren't.
Increasingly, I need to get out of a lifestyle that assumes I am anything but a robot.

Lillikoi,

I've been there. I wanted to say how sick I was of some of my professors' attitudes but I didn't because I would certainly have failed and never finished my degrees. On the evaluation forms, I just said very generic things.

Cigarettes could kill me.

It makes sense to stop smoking them if I want to continue living, make more connections with people, and not stink.

However, I go back and forth on the first one. If I want to live, I want to make more connections, but if I don't want to, then I should start cutting acquaintances off rather than making new ones. The stinking may pose the biggest obstacle to setting the conditions for me to find some happiness and peace.

I don't see much chance of me actually putting a gun to my head anytime soon. I refuse to make the preparations which would allow me to do it quickly if I got the impulse to do so. The main thought that I have this morning is how I don't know if I want to give up on slow suicide by smoking. It's far more socially acceptable than dying of a sudden self-inflicted wound.

I basically sat and ruminated about this until I convinced myself to buy a pack and quit tomorrow. Tomorrow can take quite a while longer than expected to arrive, but I'll give it a go, anyway.

I'm not buying any beer, though. The day is approaching when I would regret spending that money, for sure.

I screwed up. After nearly arriving late to work yesterday, I successfully arrived late this morning. It must seem like a shocking display of idiocy by an otherwise competent person. I feel sick ro my stomach at the likelihood of people thinking that I did it deliberately.

I wonder how much I've messed up my life this time.

^^^ Forgive me, but OMG, you're funny!

I'll be damned if I do, I'll be damned if I don't. Be it who 'wins' or 'loses', and what come may.

So why the damned bother when it matters naught!?

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Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

I'm glad I called the office to apologize rather than going in. My eyes teared up making my apologies. I'm apparently the only one of three no shows who called to make amends, but crying might have seemed excessive.

I am funny, but this is not a place where I want to hear it. However, I'm contemplating going full Goodfellas funny guy scene here, so you're probably doing me a favor by saying it, Clara. I can simultaneously laugh and cry.

C2V,

I hate being late for things, too. I always try to be early.

I am so depressed right now. Has anyone ever had this happen to them:

The kids who used to bully you at school, skip classes & get you to do their homework ... well, you find out they now have a good job as a manager or something, a nice house, nice spouse, kids etc while you're living hand to mouth and can't even get a job at minimum wage.

Actually, the biggest bullies at the schools I went to usually went to prison, if they were male and got pregnant as teenagers and dropped out of school, if they were female. Any problems I had as an adult with getting employment were my own fault entirely. I attribute my late start in life to the fact that I failed to accomplish certain adolescent/young adult milestones at the proper age.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, Alita.

I used to love any situation where I could be seen as capable.
Then my life went through a massive reorient.
Recently I'm back in a situation where I have to take control, manage everything and everyone, and I don't want this. Can't have this. Can't do this.
I resent being forced to be the capable one.
I'm done being anyone's hero.

I've discussed my autism with all my close friends, and a fair number of people who seem on track to become close friends. I don't know how well I've explained myself, or how much they consider accurate self-assessment. I don't feel satisfied so far, and I have no idea how much more I need to do, or what I need to do differently to communicate my difficulties. I may need to come up with some suggestions for ways to draw my attention to social signals I might otherwise miss, but I dislike telling other people specifically what to do.

Anyway, some new information has come to my attention about the way my housemates feel about our living situation. I did not pick up on this myself. I had felt uncertain about their feelings, and had been trying to find the right time to discuss them. Now, I've heard some things from a couple of mutual friends which indicate that they know more than I do about my relationship with my housemates. I'm bummed.

I get that it can be hard to talk about things with people if you have mixed feelings. I can totally see how the mixed signals I perceived could come from those mixed feelings. I can also see how, contrary to evidence and my statements about my perception of social signals, my housemates would nonetheless expect me to have a clear understanding of the signals. I totally don't. I had an idea, but it was way off base.

I don't feel at all angry about them wanting what they want. I hope it's a simple case of my confusion, and not something I've done that has made them unwilling to open a discussion with me about it. That thought bothers me, and I have to keep in mind that it's just in my imagination at this point.

Anyway, now I have received substantially congruent information from two third parties that indicates I need to find another place to live. Fortunately, that place looks really promising, not too much more expensive, and the person offering to rent me the room has made it perfectly clear that he feels enthusiastic about having me around. We even have projects under consideration, so I can spend some of my time that I need to decompress at home doing some work that won't add to my social stress. It seems like a clear improvement, on balance.

Now, I just have to deal with an even more complex situation. I still want to hear from my current housemates themselves, and not take what I've heard as the comprehensive statement on their feelings about me. It does annoy me that I'll be the last to know, but I'm as used to that as a person can get while still feeling annoyed by it.

I want to have a discussion where I have a very high probability of knowing the outcome without revealing that knowledge explicitly. I want to continue to work with these folks, and I hope they feel the same about me. I dread that once I move, I'll hardly ever see them any more. If that happens, I'll have a hard time believing that they care about me, or want to work with me at all. I'll feel that way, even though I know that s**t just happens when people aren't colliding with each other every day, living in the same space.

Dammit, it seems like fairly good odds that I'll never achieve clarity, even in this specific case. Maybe the clarity I want just doesn't apply to these kinds of interactions. I feel stupid and useless in that regard, which doesn't make for a good starting point in a delicate discussion.

Didn't finish breakfast
then forgot my meds this morning
Then I thought I had drawing instead of design today,
and I didn't have my design project ready
Was also an hour late to class .-.
Didn't realize it's a bad idea to wear all black with a binder on and my hair down in ninety-degree weather because the sun decided it wanted to be summer again today and turn the weather upside down.
Had a break in class, went running back to dorm to take my meds and came back ready to work.

ANNND then realized I left my water bottle and breakfast at my dorm and had to go running back through the hot weather to get them because I'm just a f****n' mess. .__.

And to put the cherry on top of the big, yummy shite casserole, I tripped and got mulch in my shoe and splintered my foot.

And was having a meltdown the whole time.

My desire to be understood, leads to me embarrasing myself again and again. I wear my thoughts on my sleeve.

If only I could get some aspie friends...