Rants

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The only person i was talking beside my best friend indirectly called me a whore. He then apologised and started messaging me even when i didn't respond. I clearly told him i see him as just a friend but he seems to see everything i do or say as a sign that i like him.. ı'm so scared that people are going to think i'M bad or a "slut" for leading him on..

I read a post...someone mentions the movie, The Shape of Water...I instantly start having a ptsd moment of how people have treated me (and still do) with my sexual interest to those who are not human... It's the same reason why I avoid anything having to do with Beauty and the Beast... I need to shake off these ill feelings fast! ...It makes me want to chuck so bad and cry...

It saddens me that movies like that which would natural be something I would love to watch, cause me to have terrible thoughts of the kind of offensive comments people make in regards to my sexuality and how I was abused in high school because of it. God... my happy mood went down quick..

Now it kind of contradicts what I posted in another post about loving yourself... I hate having these reactions that I do. I know better to not find thing things that I like wrong...but my emotions say otherwise...it's a flurry of a mess in my head..

I cried today, had a meltdown and almost smashed my computer over things that's been upsetting me. My mother also didn't make things pleasant for me when she keeps pressuring me to get my assignment done for class (I had an extended time to get a few more things done).

Today was so hard for me to get these assignments done. It made me want to harm myself every time I attempted to type up this one paper. I ended up slamming the screen to my laptop down and curled in bed to cry wishing I was dead. Slowly I kept on enduring the pain and anxiety to force myself to get this extended assignment done so I can finally relax hoping that I passed everything...

I just wish my mother actually gave a **** and not make comments about how pathetic it is for people who have a hard time with close interactions because they are biopolar and have other mental issues. She has no idea how hard it is for people, like myself to deal with everyday life and she needs to stop living in her stupid bubble and actually give a care that SOME people deal with an ample amount of stress and have to put on a fake smile ever flipping day because some PARENT forces them to do so!

I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't be on this site. Some of the posts I read on here are beginning to deteriorate my tolerance and I'm getting more emotionally unstable to the point where I'm becoming depressed. I'm really embarrassed to be mentioning this... I just been debating for a couple weeks with wondering, "Am I really benefiting from this place?" -sigh- I do this every forum I go on... I put in all this work thinking that I can enjoy feeling like I can be in a social situation like this without wanting to commit suicide just to end up deleting my profile information and leaving...I'm tired that I can't handle certain things presented to me and I wish I could handle my emotions better.

I want these Medicaid cards to come already so I can go to a therapist in hopes that I can get help with these emotions...

This isn't a "I'm leaving" post, I just wanted to share what I've been feeling for a while since I'm still undecided. Maybe I just need to take breaks or something and actually do other things that make me happy like play video games...or avoid any posts that I know will offend me and stick with sharing pictures and music videos... and only post something of significance when I need some advice on something... I don't know... I get addicted to socializing, it's like a bad drug...but I guess it's human nature to have the urge to socialize... no matter how it's done.

Can't bring myself to reconcile with my mother.
It's the same old s**t over and over.
I'm pretty sure she's a narcissist.
And I'm still disgusted by her behaviour the other day.
She adds so much f*****g stress to my life.
Why does she have to be this way?

How does one rant about receiving too much blessings and too much love?
Without someone else associating or thinking about guilt, ungratefulness, or assuming of upping, or assuming pity towards the less fortunate?



Long story short: It's just another 'I suck at words' crap.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
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Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

I'm about to spend my birthday with my moms friends thanks to my own non-existent friends. Thank you so much life!

I f*****g hate my sister. She is two years younger than I am (she will be 17 this year, I will turn 19 on 25 February). She has been horrible to me all my life (from my viewpoint).

This is how I feel right now.

Too many times I act like a victim.

I try so hard to deal with my frustrations myself without having to rant about it or need someone else to help me process it
but every time the more i try and deal with it, the more frustrated i become until my head is just noise and i want out of my head
I can't understand why i can understand things intellectually most of the time and yet can't get past them mentally or emotionally. The emotional side of me is like an infant, i'll think it through logically and then the infant starts having a temper tantrum in my head and i can't process and i can't calm it down when all i want to do is just move past it.
Makes me so flipping infuriated.
Like right now i want to do unspeakable things to myself because i am so emotionally tired from having a fibro flare up as well as being mentally fragile. i should be relieved and yet i'm sitting here agitated, feeling drained and depressed having the urge to do things that are not helpful to my body to make the uncomfortableness that i'm not sure why is there mentally, sensory and physically speaking and so I don't know how to deal with other than the urge to put some serious pressure on my skin.
It may be a major sensory overload that is presenting itself in a way i'm not used to or feels different. I find it hard finding something non harming that matches the intensity of my uncomfortable feelings.
I want to be able to soothe with my mind, but I have been trying for years and yet still can't at all.
and physically soothing I am getting better at when I am becoming overloaded in a sensory way but it feels like its all the time at the moment and there are occasional times, like right now where nothing is helping and my insides are so conflicted at what is best to do.
I just want to relax after going through a week and a half of serious pain but im depressed and even though the pain is less I'm uncomfortable and just want to be comfortable in my body

I'm just so frustrated with everything atm

[quote="MariaTheFictionkin"]I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't be on this site. Some of the posts I read on here are begin

Maria:

I’m new here. I read your latest posts and my heart broke. Ignore me if my words don’t help, but you and your mother’s relationship sounds so much like two steps further down the road from where my daughter and I were a few years ago. I did/said dumb things sort of like what your mom has, but I learned some things in time before I destroyed my relationship with my daughter. Can I tell you what I learned, why your mom is wrong?

You are a unique individual who’s purpose in life is to be the best you possible. You’re not here to please your mom, or friends, or society, or me. I was so stupid, I worried about grades, popularity, and all the other smeg that doesn’t matter at all, when I should have been 100% concerned with having my daughter’s back. That’s what parenting is, its loving your kid no matter what. Do what you need to do to be a healthy, happy you. You don’t have to take on the world at once, just every morning when you wake up, decide this is what you can and should do today and do it. (there’s a popular theory about filling up spoons, sorry I don’t know its correct label but it goes along these lines.) I’m a farmer, and rule number one in farming is that everything has a right time and place to grow. You can’t argue/threaten/plead with jalepenos to grow in Ohio in winter, but if you plant them in Florida in March, they’ll run rampant. There is a place out there where you will thrive, and someday soon you will find it. My daughter did. When I backed off criticizing and worked with her instead, we found workarounds for her difficulties in school and now she’s much happier.

Take care, Maria. You deserve good things.

1/17/2018 - 9:36 AM

I tried to not hurt myself...

My mother had called me multiple times to do a multitude of tasks for her after I woke up for the morning. Once again I felt like her own personal maid and not a daughter. "Make me breakfast." "Get me a snack." "Make me coffee." "Turn on/off my lights." "Wash my clothes." "Make dinner." etc. etc. Chores are one thing but, I feel like I am nothing but this person's servant. I'm always treated like this and I hate it! At times she even asks me to clean her...godforsaken pigsty of a room... I can't even fathom how dirty it is (just watch a hoarder show). And now the living room which I had cleaned many times by command is now getting to be as dirty as her room because she's been occupying it... and it makes me cry...

Today with her, it was, “Go get me that bin of cords." because she wanted one that plugged into a tablet she had. This was after I had made her breakfast and moved a piece of furniture for her. I was already having ill thoughts and started knocking myself in the head and tearing with just how tired and angry I was with my mother. While moving the end table from up upon the grey bin in my room I had to stop because every part of my body that touched anything was making me super uncomfortable. I started to clench my teeth, widen my eyes and repeatedly hit myself in the head. Claude (a soulbond of mine) was there trying to stop me as my hand was moving closer to my eye.

Once I calmed down, I pushed the bin out into the hallway while my mother sat on the toilet. I quickly shut the door and my mother opened the bathroom door and asked, “What’s the matter?” in a very harsh voice. I told her nothing was wrong and tried to get away from my closed door and she yelled at me to “come here”. I didn’t want to go out of my room…I really didn’t want to tell her the truth because I knew she would be nasty to me and say hateful things that make me want to hurt myself. But I couldn’t avoid it, so I went out.

She gave me the nastiest look on her face. Eyes were widened and arched downward showing a face of anger and disgust. She yelled at me again, “What is wrong?!” I tried to hide my tears and told her, “Nothing” But she asked me again. I didn’t want to tell her how upset I am for how she’s been treating me due to the act that she did nothing but told me to basically shut up and “stop acting like a baby”, “move out if you don’t like the way I talk to you” so I fudged the truth and told her, “I…. I didn’t want to get the bin out…” I cannot remember what she exactly said but she ended up yelling in response and told me o go back in my room. Which is where I ended up typing this up.

I hope you get to move out soon.

I had a similar relationship with my mother before I moved out from her apartment.