In survival mode

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I don't sense dislike; I sense confusion on the part of the servers.

As long as you got what you want, who cares what the server thinks of you.

With the many things you are loosing: it is normal that one looses much more things in a challenging situation of his lifeand if you dont feel good. Happens to everybody. No reason to freak out. Even less so when people give you an advice, after all, it really does help, to put the things always in the same place.
A minimalistic lifestyle helps.

As for the ramen shop and your difficutlies with passing the order in Japenese you wrongly conclude:

Hey, dont exaggerate with your self-loathing, you know that with that you can run yourself down, dont you?. Psychotherapist Aaron Beck said that this negative thinking can be curbed by challenging single exaggeratedly negative beliefs. So a behavioral short time therapy might make sense.

But fortunately we can do without, because we have kraftkortie here.

It wasn't the confusion that caused me to conclude that. It was the behavior after the confusion. My original server, whose name appeared on the receipt, stopped serving me after that, leaving it to the second server who appeared. My original server did not bring me my food, did not ask me if everything was all right, and did not bring me my check. It was the second server who did all that, even though the original server was on the floor and serving the other customers.

never mind the damn ramen shop; did you go to the walk-in psychiatrist, or indeed, any provider?

I saw a psychologist and made an appointment to see the psychiatrist for a week from Friday.

I went to a lawyer at the gender center about the Medi-Cal issue, but I don't remember what he said, other than he was referring my case to his office. I don't know if I can see a doctor on Medi-Cal or not.

I think I blew my access to sex reassignment surgery. It is probably still years away, if I'm going to get it at all.

(I included a lot of kanji in this that I think I wouldn't be able to read ...if it weren't for my browser app rikai-chan.. also, sorry for the terrible forthcoming keigo haha- definitely NOT my strong suit, but I tried!
Beneficil様へ、

今日もお疲れ様です〜。
今のところはかなり大変でくろしく見えますが、こちらの皆様がおっしゃっている通りにいつか又大丈夫になりますよ。それは事実です。
出来るだけ元気出してくださいね。こちら、皆を精一杯応援していますから！！今までBeneficil様がずっと頑張っていたんです。仰った通り様々な体験してきて色々頑張ったり我慢したりしてきたこそ今の精神的な不安や鬱もきっと乗り越えますよ。必ず。
本当にそうですよ。今の所は大変すぎるかもしれませんが、1秒ずっつ我慢して頑張ったら何でも乗り越えますよ！

で、自閉症のexecutivefunctioningのことに関して自分の鬱が我慢出来るようになったらその他の問題がちょっとずっつなくなると思いますよ。私の場合はそうでしたけど。

ちなみに、先ほどの話なんですけれども、そういうのは（残念ですけど）ただ単に無知でまだ日本人以外の見方想像出来ない日本人のやり方ですよ。ただの外人扱いですね。「あ、この変な外人はなんとかしてる」か「うわ〜外人何か日本語で言おうとしてる！！怖い！」という反応だけです。時々差別みたいですね。 Beneficil様は何も悪いことしていませんでしたよ。だから、あういうことを気付いたらそれ無視してください。
そういうことを認める意味もないんですから。
今日と明日や来週はしんどいぐらい暗くて大変可能はあるかもしれませんが、皆はbeneficil様を信じていますので明日もお頑張りください！
宜しお願い致します！


My Favorite lines ever I think: 「だから、つかまえてて今は苦しい君を逃げないでほしい。飛び出す日は自分だけの力さ

例え君だけにつばさがなくてもきっと歌う鳥になって」
だから、焦らず生きていて！」
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xT_VsTcn-vc

If you wanted to check out more japanese stuff making trips to Japan-town is totally worth it! You don't even really have to talk to anyone, just look around soak in the atmosphere and hear some ambient japanese, maybe have some tonkatsu or udon or ramen- or go to the kinokuniya and browse amongst the books- but only if that won't be sensory overload.

WAY TO GO, BENEFICII.

I know that first step is not easy. Please follow up and attend these appointments.

As for the sex reassignment surgery, trust me on this: Take care of your basic necessities right now, your survival needs. Once you stabilize a little, have a regular place to live, food, medical supports, that surgery will be a lot closer to happening. You must focus on just getting by for a little while first.

Yep......Bea hit the nail on the head.

Think Maslow! His Hierarchy of Needs.

Take care of the basics first.

I missed an appointment today. I kept thinking it was at 4, but it was actually at 3:30. I'm going to talk to the person I had the appointment with, but I get the feeling they'll blame me for it, saying I was doing it to be passive-aggressive against them, when I had only mixed the time up in my head. I missed an appointment yesterday, too, though that was because I couldn't wake up enough.

Do you have a portable alarm clock? Or maybe you have an alarm on your smart phone?

I hope you can resolve the 3:30 appointment tomorrow, and get another appointment soon.

Why couldn't the doctor see you at 4? I've been half an hour late to appointments. I just had to wait in the waiting room longer.

You know, I don't think CBT has really worked for me. One big reason has to do with my chameleon-like disposition. Basically, most CBT done on me insists on trying to take a can-do attitude toward things and getting me to express agreement. At that point, the psychotherapist thinks they've done their job. The problem is that when pressured enough I will seem to agree with something, because making such expression is unavoidable. If I think about it enough after the session, however, I'll note in my head how disappointed the psychotherapist is going to be. I will then wonder why I couldn't seem to express anymore my belief that such a thing was not doable.

I understand, now. My common practice is to tell the other person what they want to hear, so they are satisfied and I can go back to doing whatever I want to do. I think my last psychotherapist had caught onto that, when he said he thought I was going to be disabled for life, but it takes a while for new psychotherapists to get that.

I guess that's what the world gets for trying to make people on the autism spectrum pass for neurotypical, while ignoring the executive functioning and other problems. As well, clinicians implementing CBT often pass on an unconscious message that any negative thinking, no matter how realistic, is not OK and must be discarded, which triggers my camouflage.

Last edited by beneficii on 11 Feb 2016, 7:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The problem wasn't getting up early: The appointment was at 1:30 PM. I was very sleepy yesterday, and slept for hours during the day, despite having slept the whole previous night. It's my meds, and waiting to change those.

Today, the person I had the appointment with will be available to chat with at 6 PM, so I will go then.

That's good.

At least you were able to get that situation squared away.

I hope you don't think I'm taking your situation lightly. You're in a tough situation.

Don't worry. I wasn't talking about you, but the professionals I've dealt with. Thanks.

It's just that you have a lot of good stuff in you.

You have a fine intelligence.

I just wish there was somebody who is a professional, and who could take the time to get to know you.

Sort of like Tony Attwood got to know some people with Asperger's Syndrome. This is why he became an "expert" on Asperger's.