Abandoned- hopeless- barely holding on

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I can easily become immersed in a work of history.

About ten years ago, I got obsessed with the Peasants' Rebellion of 1381. And King Richard II's reaction to it. He was a weak king later--but he handled himself well in 1381, when he was about 14 years of age.

Thanks. I been actually pretty damn decent the last few days. I'll elaborate below.

Excellent! Be good to yourself!

Thank you for the well thought out response. Greatly appreciated.

I agree with your assessment that wanting companionship and love is not an addiction, but relying on one particular person past the point of visible interest is. And that's where I found myself. I too struggle with self love. I'm not sure how to. I only know how to criticize myself and take blame. I'm trying to change that.

Well, if you asked me if I was a better person with or without her a few weeks ago, I'd have told you without hesitation better. Now I'm not so sure, as I'm allowing myself to come to grips with the end. I see where in many ways, she brought out the things in me I managed to hold down individually. Like being anti-social. I was never a really social person, but was always fairly personable when in comfortable situations, and I could acclimate myself fairly quickly. I was also far less critical of new people as potential friends. And my self esteem used to be better. I sort of assimilated her severity of these issues and it made mine worse. I could surpass them, she could not. So I no longer could.

I think I have to learn, and I have to give myself a pass on the mistakes I made. I never did anything out of malice. Never once. Never even out of carelessness so much as just life happened. It does that. I'm hoping one day I'll have the opportunity to use these lessons for something better.

So, in what should be the final update on this situation, a perhaps hopeful ending-- albeit probably inadvisable... but that's Beakybird for ya!

About two hours after I came here to rant and cry, I decided to spontaneously join a dating site. Figuring, ok, I'll take some time here and at least feel like I'm addressing my situation, as pathetic as the idea seemed at the time.

Upon completion, I figured, why not send out a few messages for the hell of it. So I sent two. Literally within 5 minutes, one of the girls messaged me back and wanted to chat. So I did. Turns out, she has just completed a divorce after also a 9 year marriage. And is very eager to find someone to relate to. So we've talked for the last three days straight, and now will probably be meeting in a week (she lives a few hours away-- coincidentally, right near you HighLlama...).

Now... I get it. BAD idea, Beakybird. You're broke up, what, three hours after 12 years and are already talking to someone? Yep. That's just how I am. And I acknowledge, a double rebound like this could end in a phenomenally bad train wreck. Eh, f**k it. Could be fun before it crashes. She's younger than my wife, as cute or cuter than my wife, seems pretty cool and into me so far and has been very, very 'neglected'... Now, I can't just have sex with a woman and not talk to her anymore. I just cant and wont. This is what many people would suggest. And, I'm not gonna turn down what could be a great opportunity over semantics of time frames. So... here goes nothing.

Are you meeting her this weekend? I hope it goes well!

We're sorry to hear that.



Sweet Pea hugs

This week I will be. Sounds like a really good woman actually. At first I thought I was just rebounding, and maybe she is I don't know. And I obviously am rebounding, but we seem to have a lot in common besides being recently divorced. But we've been able to have conversations of a few hours at this point that seem like minutes. We find each other attractive. So, I'm actually pretty excited about it even though the circumstances have disaster written all over them. Not to mention it's probably not healthy for me to go seeing someone right away. But, this sort of fell in my lap with so little effort and so little discomfort that I have to explore further. I'd be stupid to hope this is something really serious, even if we hit it off great. However, having someone going through the same life stage to share time could be very rewarding in the now if I can keep my head on straight about it. If it grows on it's own into something, I also can't be closed to that out of fear I think.

Well, I think you have the best point of view about it, which can only help (obviously). And relationships can occur in unusual ways, so who knows? It's certainly nice to find a kindred spirit, especially when you can relate over past trauma as well as find real common ground as human beings.

Well, Beakybird, have you left us for more exciting social activity, then?

I realize this is quite a sensitive thread so i wont say too much nor am i hugely experienced with women let alone marriage. When my fathers marriage busted up he was pretty sad for some years, but things do get better. I suspect hes also aspergers, where mine came from. Its rough is all i can say. It does sound like you've started to move on a bit, just go slow. If you have many guy friends turn to them for support, even non aspie guys support other guy friends during these times its something interchangeable any man can understand.

Whatever you do, stay away from the bottle hehe.

Hey man... thanks for checking in. Sort of yes. This thing got way more intense then I would have thought or was ready for. This girl is really really into me. Which feels awesome to be wanted like that. I mean, not to brag... but I'm going to... I completely blew this girls mind like she never had before in bed. Which makes me feel even awesomer about myself. She's a really nice girl. Very kind and comforting. Very understanding and patient of my mental state.

But it's also made me realize just how much I really did and still do love my ex-wife. Me and this new girl have hung out twice, and going to be a third time this weekend. I've had a pretty good time with her, though I keep seeing ghosts. Like I'm getting these nice feelings of being wanted and desired... but I still want it from my ex-wife, not anyone else. My head is somewhat more confused that ever now, I just don't want to be alone or lonely. I mean, if I had any friends at all to talk with or preferably hang out with, this may not have gotten like this. But this girl is already talking about 'our future' and me moving out there... which consequently wouldn't be the worst thing as it's blowing my mind how cheap cost of living is out by you in compared to where I live. It's really crazy what rents go for. But it's just so intense. And i don't dislike her, or us hanging out, but the intensity is intimidating and not something I can at all reciprocate, nor care to at this point in my life. I'm just not emotionally available. I can't really feel any sort of feelings for anyone right now other than enjoying their company and appreciating who they are. But my emotions are dead and probably will be for some time. I've tried to be very clear about this. But I also don't want to scare her off because I really need someone around for me right now, and when that someone is a sexually frustrated woman with a high sex drive who's eager for your company, it's so hard to not want that.

It's so f*****g complicated man. I could go on and on, but I wont. On the one hand I feel really lucky to have met this girl, on the other I fear I may be getting myself into quite the shitpickle here...

Thanks again though man. I'll turn up around here at some point soon again.

The Randy Man from Jersey!

Sounds like you're really getting confidence!

Well, glad to hear most of your experience with her has been good, but I do really get the difficulty in leaving someone else behind. Whatever happens, I hope you find what you need.

I mean, it certainly has boosted my confidence a bit in the fact that I can both find other women and please them by both my personality and sexual capacity. Both of which I had questioned, as would anyone in a 12 year relationship.

Thing is... I still don't want to be doing any of this and want my wife back. It's made me realize how irreplaceable she is to me in a way I never before thought. I mean it's not just the fact that my wife's sexual skills evidently are elite, as evidenced by these encounters and years of watching amateur porn. I don't think I'll ever find her replacement in that way. She was a depraved whore for me... and I loved it. But it's also just all the little things I miss, and we still were able to have such good conversations even up until the end. I guess I still dont fully get why she wouldnt have given me another chance unless she did fall for someone else in the meantime. And if she did, at least I waited until she threw me away. So I'm in the clear morally as far as I am concerned.

Are you two still texting?