he still won't leave it alone.

Post Reply New Topic

yeah.
i'm just going to beg him to come home.

ok

i just worry that if he thinks about it.
he'll realise how bad a deal he's getting.
i have too much baggage.

ok.

and i'll leave him to come back in his own time.
i'm going to write him a little note and go to bed.

thanks for putting up with me guys.
sorry i flip so quickly.

I could never stomach cutting. I tried many times because of the rush that helps you cope with the stress and pain... but I'm a big wuss. I can't take the physical pain of it. It's such a stigmatizing behavior. People equate it with suicide attempts because it's physically harming you, even though it actually saves many people from suicide. Unfortunately, it's by no means healthy. I think it's time to really see a doctor. You might luck out and get someone good who'll really address your concerns. You never know until you make and keep the appointment. You need something that gives you a replacement for what cutting gives you so it won't be necessary to cut anymore.

Of course, look at me here... big ol' hypocrite today to be lecturing anyone on coping skills. Still, I know how abuse and rape continues to eat at you and I know everyone without any exceptions will benefit from rape counseling. That includes you. You can't keep cutting or drinking or drowning yourself in any other mood altering things. These are temporary fixes to a permanent problem. Get a permanent fix instead. It's harder but it may also fix some other things along the way that have continued to make life more difficult than it needs to be for you.

thats the problem.
i'm terrified of going to see my therapist tomorrow.
i hate having to talk about all that stuff.
and i have to. again tomorrow.

I know! It's horrible at first.

BUT the more you tell, the more clinical it will become, the more you'll realize this is what happened TO you... not because of you, not because of anything you did... but that it happened to you and there's nothing for you to be ashamed about because you did nothing wrong. He did something wrong. He's f*cked up. Not you. Your reactions are very NORMAL right now. Believe it or not, you're right on track for any woman who's gone through this. Talking through it, even forensically, will help keep you going on track.

Let's think about when you cut. When you do, you bleed and it hurts. But then endorphins are released and your body immediately starts trying to heal itself. People cut because they want that surge of healing that feels good for a moment while the body is trying to heal a wound.

Your mind is trying to heal but it's not as automatic and instinctual as your body's response to physical injury. This is why we have rape counseling. It's designed to attend to your specific needs from this trauma to help heal the wound. The more you continue with this proper path, the better you will feel.

To give you an idea, I'm still messed up from my ex-husband. He was abusive and he raped me. He even tried to kill our oldest child and me. I have anxiety attacks related to my ex-husband but it's not over the rape or abuse. It's all related to legal crap and my kids having visitation with that freak. I've got scars (both physically and mentally) from what he did to me but the actual trauma doesn't live with me anymore. It's part of my story. I can tell people and it doesn't hurt me to tell people. It doesn't mean my ex-husband is forgiven for what he did. But it means I have healed.

Everyone's different, though. You might heal faster than me.

As far as Stefan is concerned... I know you made promises and that you've broken them now; but, this is an extraordinary time and you are struggling to heal from a deep wound. He doesn't want you to be hurt - and he's right to not want you to be hurt in any way - but I think you will see that his love includes forgiveness.

(That was a long comment. I should've brought a soapbox.)

Guess I missed a lot, huh?

Hope you're doing better now, Em. And I understand the cutting thing, had to get over that myself a while ago. I can't really give you any advice, nor do I think you really need any right now, but I understand. Hopefully, that helps.

Feel better, sweetie. *hugs*

How are you this morning hun?

@wefuction - thanks for that long comment. i never thought about the cutting from that angle before.

i hate therapists. i'm all cried out for the day.
but i said i'd go and i did.
and stefan took the day off work to come with me, but i'd rather he didn't, so he just drove me there which was nice
because i can never focus too well on it myself.