Rants

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Got COVID again.

Hmph. Didn't even left that often.
And I'm not even in a mood to blame anyone this time. It came from my sister's boyfriend.


But it's just annoying still.
It might be why I no longer slept well lately while I thought it might've been coffee.

Sigh.

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A conversation made me remember when my oldest brother and his girlfriend said that if someone is old enough to get pregnant they should be forced to keep the baby no matter what (even if they're assaulted), because being able to get pregnant means they're old enough and fully developed enough to give birth and take care if it (as an argument against abortion and teenage abortions).

When they said that BS I immediately remembered the fact that I started my period at 8-9 and knew a couple other females who did, and that most of my classmates started puberty at 11-12 at the least. I guess kids who are 9-12 and get assaulted are old enough to force out and keep babies, and should have known better and just not started puberty yet so that wouldn't be an issue for them. Sometimes the s**t conservatives say without thinking (or despite "thinking") is absolutely baffling.

Disrespecting people of a different race is racist, disrespecting gay people is homophobic, disrespecting gender is... disrespectful. All have come to a point where it's illegal. Will there ever come a time when disrespecting autistic people is illegal and frowned upon? If it does, I can't wait until that day.

How many times do I have to tell you, I'M F***ING SORRY FOR NOT EATING ALL MY DINNERS, but there were leftovers that I had to eat! Do you want me to f***ing suffer from all this!?

She just haaad to ruin it.


I did it for the game and play. The pay is just bonus.
But damn it, you damnit turn it into damn business work.

AND I HATE 'BUSINESS'! !


If only you had to leave me be. But no!!
You just had to be annoying enough to ruin it for me!!

I pray that this damnable moment won't spoil playing games for me because of the damnable business model.

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I f***ing apologized from the bottom of my heart, and how do you treat me in return? You f***ing abandon me. Wow, talk about mother of the year here!

I really feel shame and regret that my actions pertaining to my own personal wishes have been nothing but a series of disconnected events, none which add up to any more than the sum of fragments. Ever since I was a kid, I've never been able to take charge of my own life, set a course, and stick to it. I just keep bouncing from idea to idea, place to place, and in a couple more decades, my inconsequential details will have turned to dust. I'm thirsty, so I drink. No further than that can I look ahead.

I admire people who find something to aim for, and keep that aim. I'm not even able to understand how to do it. I have no clue who I am, other than a parrot picking whatever line that hands me something for the day, everyday a new line, everywhere chasing around in circles. The only thing that remains, for decades, is the sense of futility, that whatever I say, do, think, or try, I just end up where I started.

I put my everything in the people around me, because I can't find anything more inside myself. The smiles of those around me replace the featureless face I see in the mirror every morning. I have given life, but it feels more like passing a baton. Take, and try to do what I couldn't.

Why is no-mayo or without mayo such a difficult to follow instruction on an order? Also, without whip cream, no cherry, hold the guac, without blue cheese, etc. *shakes fist at sky*

Feeling so depressed with everyone my age getting pregnant around me. I would have a baby, but I have heard so many horror stories of people I know having miscarriages that was life-threatening, and with the lack of NHS care as well, and with my anxiety, I'm probably better off not having a baby. But I get too jealous of the people around me who are announcing pregnancies. My cousin is going to be next and I really don't want her to. But I can't say that to her. I've just got to hope and pray that her boyfriend decides against it. But I bet they'll soon be announcing that they're pregnant. "Baby is due on [date], we're really excited - here's a picture of the scan, we're adults so no-one in the world can stop us, horray let's ruin our lives by committing our whole lives to this baby that we're only having because everyone else is having one and that we're not really thinking this through. Bollocks to Joe90 and all the other childless people out there - we are having a baby!"
Just f**k off, please.

I hate PMS so much, it makes me an unlikable person. In fact, I got into an argument with my mom today over something as dumb as a salad. I really hope I get early menopause so I won't get angry for no reason anymore.

EDIT: It's also unfair that there are apps out there that claim that they are free, but have microtransactions meaning that you have to pony up money for the best experience. All I want is to get a new coloring app, but all of them cost so much money! This is f***ing bullsh*t because I am poor and they are only doing this because they only care about money, just like greedy politicians.

Also, my family and I still haven't gotten my late uncle's 20 grand because an idiot lawyer failed to do his job right, so it will get here later than normal. We were supposed to get in within the past month but it didn't happen, and probably won't either because again, they are f***ing greedy.

I also have to wait a month to see a dentist; my bottom right incisor's gum line is receding, and I need my teeth cleaned as well. This dentist accepts Medicaid, but I am scared my gums will become worse by then, which shows how poorly I take care of my teeth. I will probably lose all of them by 40 because I refused to brush as a kid and kept pulling out my top left incisor's cast because I broke it as a kid.

I just told my mom about us selling our home and possibly moving North within the month, and I got the biggest guilt trip ever. I feel awful now.

We have rarely seen each other despite me living within 2 hours of her for the last 13 years. I almost always had to be the one to make the effort to go see her. My relationship with her is a complicated one. She has become toxic over the past 8 years or so (due to a pharmaceutical addiction), and I've had to keep my distance to keep my sanity. I have still made an effort to call and video chat with her despite that, but she rarely answers or talks to me. Her health is not the greatest these days, so I DO worry about her all of the time.

I don't understand why she wants to "keep me close" when she has rarely made an effort to see me while I've been here anyway.

Being told sshh is bad enough, but being told sshh for no reason is worse. Some people are more shushy than others. My boyfriend is a shushy person. I had to tell him that I can't bear the sound of sshh, weird I know but he does it too often to have to pretend I don't care. Like tonight I was in the kitchen and I thought I heard him call my name, though I couldn't be sure. When he came into the kitchen I asked him if he called my name earlier, and his answer was "sshh". I didn't know what I had to shush for, so I asked him, and he gave no reason, just kissed me. Yes, I appreciate the kisses, but I still don't know why he had to sshh me just for asking a question. I had to remind him not to sshh me unless absolutely necessary, and he apologised and said he forgot. I don't blame him for forgetting, as how many people actually dislike the sshh sound? Very few. So understandably he's not going to remember not to sshh. But at the same time, he does use sshh more than needed. He just seems to be a shushy sort of person.

I wish sshh hadn't been invented by humans. Be nice if people used a different sound, such as a "ffffff" sound. Anything but sshh. So cringing and...ugh!