Abandoned- hopeless- barely holding on

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No... communications unofficially ended with her Friday. The texting had ore or less disappeared once she told me she was actually done (or more appropriately, I dragged it out of her) and we said our goodbyes. I met with her last week to give her three boxes and a garbage bag full of s**t in a wawa parking lot. A very dignified final meeting I must say. We talked. It was emotional. I saw doubt in her face. I saw confusion. There's missing pieces here I may never know. She probably cheated on me either physically, but most likely emotionally. Someone slipped in with the crying shoulder routine a few years back when I went through a deep depression, and has been sharking since then. I know it. I think I know who it is too. They are lucky to still be alive.

But she for a few weeks there was still seemingly looking for excuses to talk to me. She doesn't want to lose me altogther, she just wants me on her terms... as a friend... but who can do that after 12 years? I can't thats for sure... I require complete separation. Except now that I have that and know she's gone, gone... I just wanna talk to her. I just don;t get any of this...

But oh well. As a wise man once said... s**t balls cock.

This breaking-up business is a tough business.

I know the feeling well.

I almost walked onto the street in front of a car once.

But hey....you have attributes....and you'll find the new Lady of Your Dreams soon.

Thank you for the encouragement. But my ex wife was a special, one of a kind person. She really is. OR was to me at least. Still is somewhere in there, just not to me anymore. But I'll never just replace that. It's impossible. I can enjoy the company of other women, I mean I have to now, try to move on the best I can, but those shoes will be so incredibly hard to fill in so many ways-- and I wish she'd just step back into them-- Little things I wouldn't have even thought to miss before. Our little routines, and humor... that I'll never replace... when things were good the way we could make each other laugh. The inside jokes, all our parrot stuff, all the stupid lines from shows and movies we'd say at the same time, the beign cut off by the comment you were just about to make, I mean f*****g goddamit. We, even toward the end, could be so likeminded, I just don't get it. I'm still in shock and can't fully understand it all. I thought trying to fin another girl would help and it totally hasn't at all emotionally. It's just noise, and I hate to say that because it would figure, in this state, I find a seemingly emotionally needy girl whos right off her years of disappointment and thinks I'm a lot of the very things she wanted when she left her husband. Someone whos been so incredibly comforting and kind and understanding. She could well be a very good match for me, but I'd have no way of telling for sure in my state because just hearing certain things pushes these buttons in a way I cant resist. Getting the validation I felt I'd lacked for the duration of the latter years of our marriage. But it's so hollow. I'm so dead inside in that way. I mean, I'm not really even into sex other than the fact that it's sex and I'm someone who has strange wiring for a man in my emotional/sexual connections. I feel like I'm having sex with this girl as gratitude for the way she's treating me. I'm not into it emotionally. I lacked emotional comforting, and she lacked sex, so we're trading. At least that's how I've looked at it. I get off but I have to try to. It disgusts me inside in so many ways. I cant believe I'm doing it while Im doing it. It's like a f****d up dream. I want to stop myself but cant, and have no reason to now, so why bother? If I don't think it's kinda fun and emotionall comforting, which i guess is as good as it gets for me in this stage of my life... so why fight it I guess right? I just can't believe this is where my life is. It's so surreal. I'm in this detached state just acting my way through everything right now. I fear a really big crash is coming. A big emotional, wiped away by a shit-tsunami, kind of crash. I've been in denial in alot of ways, acting like I'll be fine, and I'll not be angry and just move on. I'm trying so hard but I'm running. Very fast. But I can't do that forever. So I'm in the most confused state I've ever been in.

Hey beaky, I can really relate to just wanting her back, I barley even notice other women right now. It sounds like your moving upwards and im really glad to hear it. Your story really stands out to me. Stay strong man!