Rants

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Why can't I ever stop thinking about KMS and having the urge to impulsively do s**t to KMS. And I am not talking about the "call of the void", though this s**t makes ignoring that when it happens even harder.

The w*kers upstairs are dancing to the coronation I think. Constant, and I mean literally constant thumping and banging in every room.

^ Play this song at full blast and sing along



The people upstairs are coming through the ceiling,
The people downstairs are always at home.
The people upstairs are screaming when I'm sleeping
And the people downstairs are always alone.
I'm living in misery,
I miss my mom and daddy.
I never get any sleep,
Cause the people downstairs are living in a dreamland
But the people upstairs won't leave me alone.
The people upstairs are laughing after midnight,
The people downstairs never answer the phone.
The people upstairs are doing something crazy,
And the people downstairs are staying at home.

I'm living in misery,
I miss my mom and daddy.
I never get no sleep,
Cause the people downstairs are living in a dreamland
But the people upstairs won't leave me alone.

Awful song but very relatable lyrics.

I've been wondering lately when I'll finally snap and try to KMS. I know I have a high risk of doing so because of the problems I have, and I am aware that I could one day have a particularly bad depressive/mixed episode or mood swing or whatever that pushes me to do it. I'm not even necessarily worried about it, just aware of the fact that'll probably happen at some point, and sometimes I think about that.

^ If you ask me, you are too blasé about KYS (observation not a criticism) which can be a lethal combination with depressive episodes (I've been there). Have you talked to any professionals about this? What did they suggest?

What does blasé mean again? I'm dumb. LMAO

Also, I have tried to find a therapist that takes my insurance + is taking new patients + doesn't have a horrendous reputation, though I probably haven't put enough effort into it. I'm at a stage where I lowkey feel like it's useless to try to go to therapy again since I doubt my ability to be honest during it. I also am scared that if I'm honest about the problems I've been having + all of the self destructive s**t I've been doing + how suicidal I am that I might get a grippy sock vacation or something...

Unaffected, or not taking something seriously.

Now I'm going to be blasé and say a grippy sock vacation (which is a term I have never heard before) sounds nice to me at the moment.

It always slips my mind about the insurance aspect of US healthcare and I apologise for that. It's just an added ballache that frankly isn't needed. I'll be brutally honest with you I have been locked up in notoriously bad mental hospitals with people who were clearly f*****g nuts , I know nuts very well and you don't seem like someone who is nuts. You appear to know your issues & what causes them but need help dealing with the emotional turmoil it brings. It can be very scary to bear your soul to a therapist or medical dude but in my opinion it's the only way that someone will understand you and maybe help you. I hope you find someone suitable soon and put your trust in them.

Anyways hugs dude

How dare you diss The Vindictives you heathen

Is it OK to admit this made me laugh out loud?

Love you FF

I still have a couple pair of my orange grippy socks.

I had blue ones for my strokes. Hospital issued.

I can't remember what colour they were when I was in the trauma zoo.

Like I should just suck it up and go, and even if I end up getting a Grippy Sock Vacay then I guess I deserve one. People I've talk to have been temporarily committed in the U.S. for less, so.

Though my possibly BPD ass is also worried that they'll think I just want attention because of how f****d up I am and "reject" me as a patient or never take anything I say seriously, then I'll have to kill myself. /half joke LMAO

I guess lot of people my age call getting involuntarily committed, getting a "grippy sock vacation". It was so f****n' funny the first time I saw it mentioned. lmaooo

I think your anxiety is being a barrier and giving you unhelpful opinions. Have you got any coping skills for your anxiety?
And although it's a lot harder than just sucking it up and going, I think you should reach out.

As for you having a BPD ass who knows, self diagnosis is always biased.