Depression

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I mean that my subconscious mind doesn't believe it when I say I have a chance of a good life etc. Sorry I don't make positive remarks about people you are all trying to help me, I have been ungrateful. I got angry at my mum when I was watching the news. So I have to says to myself relationships are more important. thanks for talking to me jennyishere other people have given up. I must be nice. The psychologist is very optimistic.

Hi, Mosto. I'm glad that your psychologist is very optimistic- I don't think I'd like to have a psychologist who seemed pessimistic about my future- that would be VERY worrying. I can understand why it's hard for you to believe positive things about yourself at the moment- that's what depression is like. Hopefully you'll start finding it easier to see yourself more positively as the treatment begins to work. You're still only very young and you have a lot of years ahead to enjoy if you can get things sorted out.

It's easy to get irritated at people when they interrupt your TV viewing or other activities, but you're quite right- relationships ARE more important.

I think that if people see you're at least trying to be friendly, they'll appreciate the effort and be happy to talk with you. Your latest message is a very good start, I think. Jenny

There was a detailed discussion about why if you say to yourself you would like to be dead, that means you are psychotic. To counter this? I have to say to myself "If I am moving towards my my goals I will be happier". The fact she glossed over that out of a one hour appointment doesn't give much hope. Oh, and that she can't find a psychiatrist

To get rid of a bad and long depression, without medication, you can try E.M.D.R.
It's amazing.

But you have to be very careful about the doctor who does it to you: it's a very powerful technique and it can be dangerous (really).

But doing it little, very little by very little, I think it can be a good solution to heal and cure everything that can be healed and cured (I didn't say: autism; I say: what can be healed and cured).


It's a kind of hypnotism or relaxation therapie but very very strong, very powerful.
So if you want to try, you really need to find someone who is very cautious and knows how to do it properly (or else, your mental and even physical states could even worsen far from what it is now).

It's nice to hear from you again, Mosto- I was wondering how you were going.

Did the psychologist really say that if you want to be dead, you're psychotic? Surely it's a fairly common sign of severe depression. I could understand her saying that you're psychotic if you're sounding detached from reality. Have you being saying anything to give her that impression?

I guess there's no benefit in focusing on the idea that you want to be dead, and replacing that with a more positive goal makes sense. Did she really "gloss over" this or did she just want to avoid dwelling on a negative thought? If you think you need to talk about it more, perhaps you should raise it with her again next time you see her.

Why can't she find you a psychiatrist? There's not exactly a shortage of them in Sydney. And is it HER job to do that, or should your GP be referring you? Jenny

What's EMDR? Anyone in Sydney do it? I do want Aspergers cured. But cure depression only I will settle for. I've done self-hypnotism for depression. Total rubbish. She didn't say it like that, but sort of was saying that on a moral level if you want to be dead, then you can't be thinking straight. When I say she glossed over it I mean, she just said it as it was her job to do the CBT, but she realised that I do want to be dead and it's not just an emotional thing, it's rational as well. I actually want to cease to exist in any form. I have said that consistently since I could understand the concept. You're right it is her job to find a psychiatrist, and she said she had tried and they were all either fully booked up or had months waiting list, or were 80km away, etc etc. I didn't bother stating the obvious in the way you put it, but I did email her later and she sent me the phone numbers of a few, saying the same thing, I haven't rung them yet though. I've been thinking about it all day but I haven't. I had a conversation online today with a friend who is in England, he saying that I am gifted and should write a book and what books I would like and what education, etc. Again I didn't bother saying "I want to die" etc, that only alarms people, and word eventually gets round to my mum, who freaks out and her depression effects as well

Hi, Mosto. I've heard of EMDR but I thought it was mosly used for people suffering from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. Here's the Wikipedia article about it, if you're interested. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_moveme ... processing

I think your psychologist should be willing to discuss your thoughts about not wanting to exist. If you're feeling that way, she needs to know about it- it's her job to help you deal with your depression, after all. I suppose she's correct that wanting to die is an unhealthy thought pattern and most likely a symptom of your depression that you should be able to overcome if you're given effective treatment.

Are you on any anti-depressant medication? It sounds like you should be. It's unfortunate that your mother also suffers from depression. That must make the situation quite difficult for both of you.

Keep persevering with your treatment and try to get a psychiatrist organised as soon as you can, won't you? Take care, Jenny

Hi, Mosto. I'm glad that you've explained to your psychologist about your feelings. If you've told her in detail, then I suppose that's all you can do. If she knows, hopefully her treatment for you will help to deal with that.

I'm glad you're taking medication for your depression, but is it working well? You still sound quite depressed. I'm sorry that you have to hide your depression from your mum, but I can understand why you don't want to upset her if she also suffers from depression.

What does your friend in England think you should write a book about? Maybe having a project like that would be good for you- perhaps you should consider it. Take care, Jenny

I can't really tell if my medication is working. I've been on this combination since about a year and a half now. I first came off the Lithicarb because I thought it would help me not to sink slowly into sobbing when I was at work. Now I hardly go to work at all. I didn't go to work yesterday. So I have done 2 hours work in the last 3 week. Hardly can I say I have a job. My friend in England knows me since I was at school, and I used to be outspoken on politics, faith and all that, thinks I should do a systematic theology or a manifesto, but I made a conscious decision to stop thinking about any of that about 5 years ago. I can barely be bothered read one web page. He offered to buy me Institutes in the 16th century French original. He says I have so many gifts that are going to waste. My manifesto wouldn't make it past the censors from the first page. My theology would be belittled. The senior pastor at my church I have known for 12 years. He has known for a long time I have had depression, I have threatened to kill myself in bible study once, I have said other stupid things, he has had to drag me crying away from church once, etc. He called me a few days ago to see how I was going. I said, same as usual. Then I emailed him to say, well actually I am struggling. He replied what is problem? I then emailed him, politely, making reference to some things he and other pastors say/do that I disagreed with. He hasn't replied, since 3 days. I think it's the end of the road for church for me. But I have no friends elsewhere. Which is why I go every week. Not necessary for salvation, it is by grace alone.

If you're still feeling suicidal and unable to face going to work, I think that probably indicates that your medication isn't working adequately. That doesn't mean you should stop taking it, though- without it you might feel even worse. The sooner you can see a psychiatrist to assess you and get you on the right balance of medication, the better.

Do you find your job particularly stressful or are you just too generally miserable to cope with working at the moment? Sometimes having plenty of work to keep you busy can help take your mind off depressing thoughts, but it doesn't seem to be happening that way for you.

Personally, I'm not religious at all, but I hope you don't give up on the people from your church- it sounds like you need their support. Are you "struggling" because you disagree with some of your pastors' teachings or because of your depression?

Take care, Mosto- it's a very difficult time for you at the moment, but if you keep fighting to get better, things WILL improve for you in the long run. It sounds as though you have some intellectual gifts, so keep trying to focus them on building a better life for yourself. Jenny

No, it's just me, my job is easy. Depending how long I sleep tonight I will need ring the psychiatrists tomorrow, offer them a bribe if necessary. I think it's gone way past medication. But might as well try that. Work is easy. Last time I got there, worked solidly for 2 hours or so, then for absolutely no reason was unable to focus any more then started sobbing, then someone asked me what's wrong then the team leader took me into another room, then agreed I should go home. I am struggling with both. Thanks for caring about me

I don't think you'll be able to bribe a psychiatrist- it would be a huge breach of their ethics. Besides, they're paid so much that you'd have to offer an awfully BIG bribe, I think. You should be able to find one, though- there are plenty of them in Sydney. Can't your GP give you a referral to one? That's how it's usually arranged.

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful, Mosto, and I do care. I'm glad you're still prepared to keep fighting to get well.

What was it about your pastors' teachings that you found unacceptable?

This morning my pastor did email me back, it wasn't that I found them "unacceptable", I just said the perception created by some of the thing he said continues to give the impression that in order to be a Christian, you cannot be a revisionist, you cannot be an AGW-skeptic, you have to believe Kevin Rudd is a genuine Christian, that you have to lobby the government to give more in aid to poor countries (or at least approve of those who do), etc. Stuff that bible-believing Christians can have legitimate disagreements over but still be Christians. But he puts his point of view accross in such strong language that it's like he's condemning those who disagree. In his defence, he is under tremendous pressure from the pastor of our congregation (whose only theological qualifications is a one year deploma in "youth ministry") and his family, and like most people without Aspergers, doesn't have the ability to objectively see the facts that, for example, aid goes straight into the Swiss bank accounts of African countries' corrupt leaders, when presented with an image of an emaciated black child, or at least won't do so publicly because nor do his congregation (but surely the former). In his reply, he quoted Romans 14, saying that its reference to those who have "weak" faith means those who are "less biblically informed". He did not make any reference to the above issues, which I had asked him about in my email. So no point in pushing the envelope any further.

You know, most people aren't into deep discussion on whether they're right or wrong - especially, it seems, when they're wrong.

And you can't make them...

To most people, you're either on the bus and they care about you or you're off the bus and they don't have to worry about you.

Aspergers? Doesn't matter what you want, you're off the bus.

Right, now we're clear on that, what it is it that turns your lights on?

Hi, Mosto. I'm glad that your pastor contacted you, even if it took him a few days.

I can't see that any of your beliefs are incompatible with being a Christian, although they apparently differ from those of your pastor. As long as you're respectful of his beliefs and he respects yours, I don't see why there should be a problem. Is it your views that he objects to or the way you've expressed them at church, I wonder? And are you sure that your "perception" of his views matches his actual intentions?

As for your theory, Peterd, I'm NT but I'm happy to chat here on the "bus" with Mosto. I guess WP is a bit like a bus station in many ways. I don't think many people here would agree that having Asperger's somehow makes you less deserving of a ride on the bus than anyone else. I certainly don't. Jenny