In survival mode

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Maybe they're do-gooders. Be a bit careful, but I'm not saying don't take the housing. Just stay a bit aloof.

I don't trust do-gooders - could you tell?

Anyway, so the home is OK, but dang people are loud today. Like, I saw one of my counselors and she said, "Hi, how are you?" in an excited voice and she was so loud when she said it, so I could only give a short response "Hi" back while I tried getting to the quiet room, to get away from the noise.

I'm not sure if it's because of the move or what, but I've noticed that lately people and things sound louder. Perhaps coming off the Seroquel and now taking only an antidepressant does that. I do have schizotypal personality disorder in addition to ASD, and I believe in that condition, like any condition on the schizophrenia spectrum, antipsychotics can tamper down on such symptoms.

Is still a lot better than being in that car, right?

I know it can be a pain in the butt when you have lots of noise.

I'm not a lover of loud things, either.

Let your counselor know that you have been sensitive to noise. I'm sure she was just trying to be friendly, but for you, right now, it's more important to be even-toned and subdued.

As for the people in the house, I wouldn't make a lot of demands right off the bat. Does it quiet down at night, at least?

kraftiekortie,

Thanks. Nevertheless, whereas before I would be bothered by the sounds, it's now the case where the sounds are actually louder. Also the loudness happened at the gender center, not at home. I wear earplugs often now, and when I do the loudness turns to a more normal sound. Last Saturday, I also had that problem, what with the movie we were watching at a community center and people talking; when I popped in the earplugs, everything was at normal volume

There are other issues, too, and I notice this every time I've gotten off of antipsychotic medication abruptly (the first time being in high school when I stopped taking my high dose Zyprexa), though this time I had gotten off of it gradually:

My thoughts seem less easy to control. When I was talking to my psychologist, we were talking about Nashville, though I don't remember what, and all of a sudden there was an explosion of associations related to Nashville and Tennessee, and I saw some that I wanted to make as a point, like George Takei's It's OK to be Takei, then I thought, Well, what does this have to do with bathrooms? But I had already blurted out the name Takei, and then I was thinking, Well, he's probably not going to understand the association I was trying to make, so I started talking about the bathroom bill and the video George Takei made, but then I was like, What does this have to do with It's OK to be Takei? But then I remembered, he talked about both in different videos, because he also made a video about the Don't Say Gay bill! Yes, I've gotten a hold of my thoughts again! I clarified my point for the psychologist/social worker.

I then tried to explain what just happened by saying it's like I often have multiple trains of thought and just now they kinda crashed into each other. I notice I have other moments where this kind of thing happens, though it doesn't last very long.

I notice too that I can obsess over things more, like I can't let them pass by. This is different from the usual ASD stuff that's fun to repeat. It's like I'm gnawing over it. There was one thing I began obsessing over again within the last couple weeks, and when I chatted with a friend who might be able to solve it, I felt compelled to ask. He was talking about something else, but I immediately cut in and started talking about my thing, and then I started thinking, Well, it's not very nice to cut him off, so I showed interest in his subject, too, and we held 2 simultaneous conversations. There was a certain tension as I brought it up, a kind of drive, a compulsion. I notice this in other situations, too, such as making a point on Internet forums, I will begin to perseverate and start making the same points over and over again, but it won't be ASD-style fun; rather, again, it's like I'm gnawing on it over and over again, like I don't wanna keep doing it but the tension is there.

My thoughts have become more morbid, too, like I was becoming increasingly fixated on just really rotten stuff from my past, violence I experienced as a kid. I get that same sense of compulsion and tension as I think about them.

There is a subtle, diffuse tension present now. The problem with these thoughts is that it seems increasingly like a loss of control, like the thoughts are just going to do their own thing from time to time and I won't be able to direct them; I'll just have to clean up the mess once they're done, to try and figure out just what in the heck I was thinking about. As this has happened over the past couple weeks, I now feel a certain unsteadiness in myself and in the world, like my grasp on everything has weakened, like I have receded from the world just a little. I feel less "full" and the strangeness of the world seems to have increased.

It's been a while since I've experienced this stuff, probably because I had been on the Seroquel for so long. Now I remember why I was on it in the first place. Thankfully, thanks to my research, this time around I can better articulate just what the heck goes on up there.

Last edited by beneficii on 04 Mar 2016, 10:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sounds like you have an inductive mind.

These sorts of associations----Nashville, Tennessee, George Takei----are what make writers great sometimes. I actually don't find that to be a sign of anything wrong.

Reminds me of the show called "Connections" which was on PBS about ten years ago.

I haven't read the entirety of your post yet--but please don't lose the ability to make creative associations. You could use them for constructive purposes.

Yep.....I think you explained yourself quite well.

I wonder what would happen if you wrote them down.

I don't the thought pattern necessarily harmful--because you have insight into them.

You know you have to exert control over them.

Friday night, I was using the bathroom, when I started hearing a slight banging on the door. After I was done and got up, I thought of a battering ram, then lots of stuff happened at once: It was like someone was using their light dimmers to turn my world down and off, I was aware of the cops outside coming to get me, I could hear them talking and their radio, and I was terrified. Soon, it was like someone turned the lights back on and brightened them again. I realized there would be no reason for the cops to come after me, and my terror abated quickly. I could still hear a voice, however, coming from the direction of the front door, for one more minute. After it subsided, I returned to my bedroom.

After that, I had the room to myself last weekend and did very little. I seemed to get better. I started getting overloaded again this week, however, as I had to go out. By Wednesday, in many instances I could no longer stand to make eye contact. It felt like other people's gazes were invading me, and it made me feel like a specimen to be prodded and picked apart, and to be experimented on. People are starting to treat me differently. I don't seem to understand how to act anymore in the real world, especially when it comes to ending conversation. Yesterday (Thursday), I noticed that my thoughts had lost their vigor and they moved as a slime creature moves slowly down the steps. The world has started to feel less real and there are inexplicable sensations in my body popping up randomly. I felt this kind of anxiety and at times it seemed to increase almost to panic, but there is a certain calming, even deadening, feature of it. Something is terribly wrong, and I feel like my grip on reality is continuing to slacken.

When I ate after coming home--and I seemed to make eye contact fine with my host--the food seemed more boring, even though it's one of my favorite made by my host, and I just wanted to get it over with. After getting some sleep, however, and getting up at night, I've started to feel better, more put together, in my element.

Are you able to get medical care? Because I think it would be a good idea to see a psychiatrist now. When you see your situation worsening, and you don't know exactly why, it's good to see someone while you still can.

I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks. I did see my psychologist Wednesday, and he said he would talk to my psychiatrist about what was going on, but also cautioned me that the psychiatrist is very busy.

It appears that 2 options are on the horizon:

1.) Be forced to wait 3-4 more weeks to see my psychiatrist as I may very well continue to deteriorate and risk losing my insight (i.e. have a full psychotic break) before I can make it (and suffer whatever consequences that may result), as my psychiatrist is "too busy" to see me.

2.) Immediately submit myself to a hospital as pre-op, have to answer all sorts awkward questions about my genitalia, be forced to expose it as I'm searched for contraband, get up locked up somewhere, get pressured into attending all sorts of groups that are irrelevant to my issues, hardly be given any chance to talk about what's happening with me one-on-one with a professional, and possibly get placed with the men again.

Too bad there never seems to be a middle option, such as seeing someone and getting put back on some sort of antipsychotic now, but being allowed to have my convalescence at home, the home I spent 3 months fighting to get and which I am just now getting used to. I bet no one will offer that option.

Meanwhile, 3 months into my trip in California and I haven't even been able to see a primary care doctor yet, much less be able to schedule surgery. Now I am having symptoms that suggest I might have a psychotic break soon. I still have insight, but I know that in the early psychotic period you often still do until you lose it later. I am capable of psychosis, as I had a particularly bad psychotic break at age 14 that got me hospitalized for 6 months. So how long is this crap going to play out? I feel like I have been building up to it for 4 years and it seems to have accelerated in the past 3 months, triggered by the stress of the move and homelessness. I seem to no longer know how to act socially, people are treating me differently now, and I avoid eye contact. Even though I know it's BS that they're actually invading me, I cannot help but act on it.

I can't even imagine what it's like to have surgery on the horizon, the sense of anticipation as it approaches, the sense that you are finally getting one of your most critical needs met. What I know is: Thing wanted, always out of reach. I know nothing else. And no one seems to willing to take any steps to show me, in an affirmative and concrete manner, that it's on the horizon. All they ever tell me is, "You're gonna get it eventually! You just need to show faith!" I've been hearing that cliche for years and it has never born fruit.

I hate our medical system and I hate the fair-weather friends that call themselves the "trans community".

Aww, I'm so sorry. Ask if you could see a psychiatric nurse for an evaluation. They can be a lot easier to get in to see, and a lot of times they can prescribe, too. If they think the case is too hard for them, they could get you in to the doctor sooner, I expect.

Are you limited to that one doctor or one clinic? My daughter has medicaid, and she is allowed to see a number of different people.

But on the plus side, I'm glad you are settling into your housing.

I've had an appointment scheduled for April 5 on my Anthem Blue Medi-Cal at a place that was recommended to me as a transgender person. My health advocate told me that I had just gotten in, because they are now not taking any new patients. However, my Anthem Blue (HMO) card mentioned a completely different doctor and place and we called about that.

The rep told us they get the provider on the card wrong all the time and warns me that because the provider I'm going to is not taking new patients I may end up being barred from going. Apparently, correcting this error might cause me to get kicked out of my new patient appointment and bar me from rescheduling, due to the block on making any additional new patient appointments. Anthem Blue has no effin' clue what they're doing, because again the rep says they get that stuff wrong all the time; it's almost like clockwork.

It looks like it may take several more months before I can get in to see a general practitioner.

As for the police panic: it is good that you realize that you are making things up. As for the "gazes of other people invading you": People, some more others less, see that you are in a (pre-)psychotic state, and that makes them suspicious and indeed more scrutinizing. That does not mean that they are "invading" you or "experimenting" on you. I think this has to do with your getting more aware of that NT people and you more than you used to can indeed "read other peoples mind" to a certain degree, in fact this "reading" is nothing but making reasonable guesses about the thoughts and emotions of other people from the experience. I guess it can be very disconcerting for an aspie to realize that other peoples cognitive empathy is better developped than theirs, and at the same time developping one s own cognitive empathy considerably (because that is what you are doing at the moment), to get aware that others have an advance due to the attention they have paid over years on other people. But this is just how it is.

Again: I think that thess rushes of panic is something an NT toddler or even babies experiences earlier, in a stage through which he or she passes much more smoothly and quickly than an aspie does in later life. Externalizing helps. Toddlers would do that through role play; I guess that writing down how your panic attacks evolve and how you feel and then thinking about it all, has a very beneficial effect on you, hasnt it?

As for the food that your host had prepared: Emotional states can tinge the experience of a person A LOT.

About the "deadening" feature that comes with your anxiety: this mixture between depression and anxiety is very common.(The therapist of my ex for example diagnosed him with hysteric-depressive neurosis at a critical period of his life). People with a severe depression (in combination with schizophrenia) can go into a catatonic state and in that stage appear like zombies to others.

Try to relax a lot, if you can. Against too much tension that you described in an earlier post, you might try out some meditation (about letting things go), or any relaxation technique. There are CDs that help with that.

Things are stabilizing, but now there are indications I might have a roommate soon. This has me very worried, because when there are times (just like from December-February) where I can't retreat from the eyes of other people to a relatively comfortable place, I tend to do much worse. I increasingly find other people to be intrusive and can't completely relax. In April 2013, I made an attempt to live with someone as a housemate and it did not work out to say the least, and I started having psychotic-like symptoms. I was finally able to recover when I could get out.

I don't know what to do here. I won't have the use of my car because it failed the smog test and I can't afford to fix it. But if I must move, then how will I move it? I'm trying to sell it for parts, but I lost the title and so I gotta get that first. And even if I do, what about my stuff? How would I move that?

Is there a way to make this work? Maybe install partitions in the room for privacy?

This has me anxious.

Have you gone down to the DMV to get the title? If you are able to get the title, things would become easier.

I don't think you should sell the car. How much would it cost to fix the problem causing you to fail the smog test?

I guess whether or not putting a partition in the room would be practiczl--would depend on the layout of the room, and whether the roommate would approve of it. It would be nice if the roommate desires privacy as well!

All in all, I would try my hardest to keep the car.

And keep a roof over my head.

To lose both would not be good for you, to say the least.