Bad Week (Long Post)

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I was really trying to avoid posting this, but I’m really frustrated and don’t have anyone else to talk to about it. The one friend I have is currently dealing with a death in her family, so I can’t go to her about this.

First, a little background...pretty much the whole past year (chronological, not calendar) has been just one bad thing happening after another, assaulting from several different fronts (financial, emotional, familial, natural, etc.). There have been few bright spots.

I have a co-worker who I care about and thought of as a friend, and she has said that we’re friends. I felt comfortable talking to her about personal matters (unusual for me). She would talk to me about personal issues she was having. I had a rather nasty melt down last month and she got hit by some of my emotional shrapnel. I apologized and explained to her it wasn’t her, I was just venting frustration. She avoided me for a while. Last week was a good week, though, as we were able to sit and talk like before and it was nice to have that again. I thought things were good.

This past Monday I found out she had gotten engaged to her boyfriend. I felt really happy for her and it felt like one of those few bright spots. However, I wondered why she never mentioned it when I talked to her on the phone shortly before I was told. I had called her to see how things were going, how she was doing, etc., and she said there was nothing going on, nothing new. After the call another co-worker told me about the engagement and that she had told everybody else at work the day before (I didn’t work that day). So I thought I’d wait and see if she’d tell me later in the day. She didn’t. It really upset me. The rest of that day and the next (she didn’t work the next day) nobody else mentioned it. I started to think that maybe the person who told me was joking. I came into work yesterday and we were working together this time. I saw the ring (hard to miss!) and at times overheard her telling other people and showing it off. She and another person were talking about it when I came into the room and they quickly hushed to a whisper, though I could still hear the question, “Have you told him?” I left the room. I was in bad shape, and felt another meltdown coming on, but I couldn’t really stop it. I started slamming phones and being very terse with others. It took everything I had not to start yelling profanities. I couldn’t talk to her. In fact, just looking at her made me angry. We were there for 2 hours and she never told me. I ended up leaving early and took today off work (her last work day for the week) so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. What particularly saddened me was that this was the last week we were going to work together as she’s moving to a different shift next week.

I fully realize that I handled things badly. If I had been calm and relaxed, maybe she would’ve told me eventually. I just couldn’t think clearly at the time.

I know I was wrong to react the way I did, but was I wrong for being upset in the first place? Aren’t engagements something you share with friends? Why would she share this news with everyone but me?

Maybe I’m just a jerk who doesn’t deserve anything better. This is one of those times where I just feel like everyone would be better off without me.

Now I wish she had never said we were friends.

Sorry for the long vent. If you read it, thanks. If not, well, you wouldn’t be reading this, now would you?

No, think it's perfectly understandable that you were upset: it sounds almost as if she was hiding her engagement from you on purpose.

I wonder if she thought you fancied her and might have been upset to hear about the engagement. She may have been trying to spare your feelings, although it kind of back-fired.

If you feel bad, maybe send her an email saying congratulations. Don't mention acting strange or feeling bad: keep it upbeat and happy.

btw, sorry to hear about your friend; hope you're standing by her

Thanks. What you say makes sense. 20/20 hindsight. *sigh* Obviously I still have a lot to work on.

btw, sorry to hear about your friend; hope you're standing by her

Leaving work early was wise to do, at least you did not get a meltdown on your job.

About the 'not telling'-part, difficult, it could be that she did not tell you with the best intentions. Or she thought you could react bad?

But to look at it differently. Maybe you should not be too trusting towards co-workers? It is your job, not your friend-group. I have the policy that I keep my job and private life separated as much as possible. But that works for me, maybe not for you. I have somebody outside my work to talk to about issues at work and my private life. It is a way of keeping my emotions outside my job.

In your case maybe the best thing to do is to give her a post card with your congratulations. It can be considered both personal and professional and gives you both the chance to avoid personal confrontation. An email seems so 'cold'.

Thank you both for your help. Seeing as how we've communicated by e-mail before I think that's the medium I'm going to use. Given Lene's comment about her misinterpreting my intentions, I think sending a postcard might be over the top and reinforce that interpretation. I could be wrong, but at this point I think it's better to play it safe.

Asterisp,

I definitely appreciate your point of view. I usually start out trying to keep my professional and personal lives separate. What usually ends up happening is I start getting comfortable around my co-workers and, lacking any friends outside work (except the one previously mentioned), they become my only social connections. I wish I could maintain that delineation as it would've prevented a lot of the issues I've had in the past, but it's very hard for me to do long-term.