I NEED HELP RIGHT NOW!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

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Okay, here's the deal. Today, my Dad was talking on the phone about something regarding a website. I thought he was saying something wrong so I tried to tell my Dad. But the first thing he did after I got his attention was that he hung up the phone and physically attacked me. I tried to defend myself by fending him off, breaking his glasses in the process. He then shouted at me about how much his glasses cost, citing that it's worth a 100. I got so upset that I called the police. He then said that he hung the phone at that time because he didn't wanna let the person on the phone know that there's an insane boy in the house (he was referring to me of course). He then forced me to get out of "his" house forever. Similar events have occurred before where I would get attacked (before it was verbally until now) by him and I would call the police. And each time including now, I don't even understand why he's getting angry or why he would say all those things to me. He even has forced me to go back to my Mom. Firstly, my Mom, little brother and my maternal family all despise me because of my Aspergers and now I just found out that my Dad hates me for that aswell. Now I'm not even sure who to trust anymore. And after calling the police to file a report against my Dad and then calling them again to drop charges against my Dad (this time, I chose to let the police come this time), chances are likely that I might get arrested for making "false charges" against my Dad. So I REALLY NEED a REPLY whether I made the right choice to call the police or not before they arrive.

EDIT: Okay, so the police hasn't arrived yet. I just called my Dad telling him that it's wrong for him to attack me like that and that it's called domestic violence. The reply he gave me was that it's called "Parenting".

Last edited by ashmeister on 21 Jul 2009, 8:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

dude you made the right choice calling the police, domestic violence is never acceptable, you shouldnt take s**t from your father or your family

OMG, that's awful.

What he did is unacceptable and I went through similar problems such as this with my dad...when he drank. Not a stable place to be living in and you're dad sounds like he could be a danger to you...maybe not now but soon enough if he finds it excusable to attack you like that.

I think what bothers me the most, is how you claim your other family despises you b/c you have aspergers. What a strange thing to be ostracized for...but I would go with the charges. Write everything down that led to this attack and journalize the other occasions it's happened. This is probably going to be scary for you but changes require uncomfortable actions. Also, you want to make sure next that he does this..don't attack him back unless it's out of self defense. Police aren't going to take too well with young adults attacking adults. I'm not sure what programs are available over there but here there is assistant living.

Don't let this prick get away with this even if it was your fault....he shouldn't have physically attacked you like that. I would also get in contact with some lawyers...that is if you're able to afford it. You don't have to live in that kind of environment, I know because I had to go through the same crap. Getting out of it seem like a nightmare but it was worth it.

^ This.

Ok, my "quick and dirty" points for this situation:

#1 - if someone is talking on the phone, you do not interrupt them.
#2 - even if you hear someone say something that's incorrect, you NEVER correct them in front of someone else - unless you know for absolute sure that they will not mind.
#3 - if someone physically attacks you, run away if you can.
#4 - if you are a kid, and your dad "disciplines" you with a slap, unless you have somewhere else to live you had better consider just taking it and learn how to avoid that happening again. Sad as it is, you don't have a lot of rights, in practice, regardless of the law.
#5 - If we're talking a beating instead of a slap, call the police.
#6 - if you are an adult and your dad "disciplines" you with a slap, you have to choose - continue to live like that or move out. Then deal with the results.

As far as dealing with the fallout:

You broke his glasses. I suggest offering to pay for them, regardless of what precipitated the confrontation. You did break them, you are responsible for that. Then pay for them, even if it's only a little money each week. Apologize for interrupting his phone conversation and promise to not do it again. And then don't.

As for the rest: You didn't say how old you are, what else transpired that made your dad "snap" like that. Was it all about him? Had it been a series of "you" events all day that pushed him over the edge?. Was he drinking? Was he really frustrated about the web page?

You didn't say how you defended yourself other than you broke his glasses. I do not condone physical violence as a way to discipline children, but I don't know if he was simply giving you a slap and you fought back and things escalated, or if he was trying to give you a beating. My answer to your question about calling the police would depend on your age and the degree of violence involved.

There are people who would say call the police for any violence whatsoever. In theory I agree, but on practical terms that could bring you (depending on your country and local police force, and the law) more trouble than you can imagine. If you are a minor and you call the police in some jurisdictions, they are required to follow through if they find there was justifiable reason for the call. In other words, once you start the wheels turning, you can't turn them off even if you want to withdraw the charges - the state does not allow you to do so. In other jurisdictions it is different. If your dad was mad at you before the police showed up, in those situations, he's going to be furious when he's hauled into court. If you think for a moment things will be more rosy at home after that, you'd really better give it more thought.

I don't exonerate or excuse your father for his violence in the least, but, quite frankly, Aspies can be taxing sometimes to non-Aspies. Not everyone is (or wants to be) a psychotherapist, and unless the Aspie gets a clue, there's going to be a lot of rejection and misery in their life. There are a lot of things you might just have to learn as "the rules" (as I call them) that are not intuitive and that do not make sense, but that you just have to do or not do because of the results.

If it were me in this situation, I would examine exactly what happened. Minutely. What caused this to happen? Is my dad someone who is just prone to sudden violence when annoyed by anyone (and how did I annoy him?) or is it just me? If it's just me, why? (If he just blows up at everyone, you'd better learn how to avoid his rage.) Do you have a pattern of behavior that annoys him? If so, and if you have no option other than to live with this person, how can you change so that you annoy him the least, since it's in you best interests to do that? Have you ever talked with him about all this? Or are things so dysfunctional that he won't talk to you?

A story for you: When I was 17 my mother, who had a bad temper anyway, was irritated with me all day because I was being my literal, obsessive about order self. I remember that she asked me to do something late in the day, and I had not done it because I was waiting for something else - I think I didn't put the dishes away after washup because the pots were not done in the machine and I never put anything away until they were all done. She came into the kitchen and saw me just sitting there, waiting for the pots to be done and lost her temper completely. She took a large wooden spoon we kept in the kitchen and attacked me, hitting me hard with it. I grabbed her arm and was trying to keep her from hitting me. She yelled for my father and he came in and backed her up, but took the spoon away. I was told to go to my room and stay there, which I did. I remember being very hurt and confused at the time.

What happened was that my mother "snapped" - she had more than she could emotionally handle. She was expressing her frustration by trying to physically hit me. It was not appropriate, and at the time I had no clue other than I thought she was insane and that the whole situation was terribly unfair. Several years later I was able to replay that day, and saw that I had been "pushing" her all day long by insisting on following my patterns and doing things on my own timetable. She was not a patient person. She was raised herself in a very authoritarian household and expected me to accept the same thing - what the parents say, goes. When they say jump, you just ask "how high" and you do not argue with them about anything. There is an age at which almost every kid finally says "no" to that kind of ordering about, which is normal in human development. The catch is, when you say "no" you have to be sure you know what the fallout is going to be.

If you have an outside resource, if there's someone you can talk to about the situation, it might help. Someone not directly involved but who knows about your Aspie status. When something like this happens it's easy to think it's all about the other person. And sometimes it is. But sometimes there are things that one does that one is not even aware that they are doing that can cause this kind of situation or make things worse. It wouldn't hurt to sit down with a neutral party and dissect this one to see what actually happened, when you calm down a bit. Then you'll, hopefully, have a better idea of how to avoid having it happen again.

You talk about people hating you because of your Aspergers. I suggest it's more likely that they do not hate you because of your Aspergers, but avoid you or dislike being around you because your behavior is annoying or bothersome to them. If you want to change their perceptions of you and reactions to you, you're going to have to figure out what bothers them and modify that. Or not, it's your choice.

And, yes, life is not fair.

[Edit - I just looked back at your profile and see you are 19. You sound very much like I was when I was your age.]

Last edited by Nan on 21 Jul 2009, 9:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

My son (14) does this too, that when I am on the phone and he over hears a conversation or is just in a silly mood he gives his loud input at times.

It can be really frustrating

...but that said, I know it is because of his (undiagnosed) Asperger's and so I would never physically punish him for this.

I just talk to him afterwards that this behaviour is not o.k... Asperger's or not he has to learn that it's not o.k to interrupt a phone conversation, period.

As for your father, he needs counselling if he is not willing to 'self-inform' about Asperger's Syndrome and that Aspies just work different and do odd things at times.
He can not go and physically attack you.
Your other family members should get some counselling too or they need to be willing to read about Asperger's and how it affects people, so they can be more accepting toward you.

And 'you' should definitely not interrupt phone conversations (at age 19) no matter how wrong the talking seems to you. In fact you should not even be 'listening'....

I hope everything works out!

I think everyone in this situation needs councilling. Different forms of councilling. The OP needs a councillor to talk over situations and have correct behaviour explained (this will help in all aspects of life, not just at home). The family needs to have counciling too, I'm not sure what type but some type that explains that hitting people isn't a way to do things and to better understand their own behaviour and the OP's.

I would suggest that the OP tries to live apart from family somehow. If that is in an assisted living or otherwise, it seems healthier for everyone involved.

So unfair. So uncalled for. Granted it's rude to interupt and tell someone they are stupid, but that is not parenting! That's nothing but an aggrassive outburst, with verbal abuse to give it seasoning. Not... acceptable! Me and mother think the other do something dumb all the time, and we never fight, because it's not nessisary. We discuss and apologise according like parent and child are supposed to!

(My father would likely cheew me, however. That's why I avoid liveing with him.) He made the old typical, common excuses for his actions, of course. He likely told you the ancient "kick you out" line to make you stay while building himself up at the same time. Don't stay. Can I illustrate as an attempt to make you feel better? .... I don't know what I could do to help. Can I do anything to make you feel better?

A reminder - this is the Haven, a place for those seeking support, not condemnation. Keep things constructive.


M.

Just breathe in first and think say 'hi' to Dad...

My dad is like that, only 100 times worse. Hence why I will never talk to him again

My 50-year-old stepfather seems to have an obsession with beating me up.

Why don't you beat him up first

Prison is not a nice place, for starters?
Ever tried to beat up a grown man? (The OP had better be a darned good fighter.)
He'd likely be thrown out of his home and would be unlikely to be able to get another easily?
It won't solve the problem?

M. = please define "constructive"? Constructive does not always mean patting someone on the back and saying what they want to hear. I don't think I've read anything in this thread that was condemning anyone (other than people saying how awful the father was). Have I missed something?

Regarding counseling - people, remember, you can't FORCE anyone to go to counseling (even if you or the entire rest of the world think they need it), not really. If they don't want to go, if they think you (or someone else) are the problem, that's it. Game over. Sometimes the only thing you can do is control your reactions and your actions, and, in my experience, that's probably the best place to start in most situations anyway. I still think the OP needs to talk to someone who is not family to sort out the dynamics of that interaction, and doubt we've heard an unbiased account.

Good luck to him, tho!

There was a reply I had to remove; the reminder was placed before things got worse. Suggesting he beat his father first is an example of non-constructive feedback.


M.

Thank you. I always do worry that I'm not communicating clearly, and will check that if I think anything's amiss.