It feels like my dad's holding me back

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Okay, for the past few months my dad hasn't been paid on a job and quit his company to find better horizons. He was staying in Houston and unfortunately the only offer for a place to stay was with one of his pill popping friends and their visitors and roomates who are also drug addicts, incorporating stealing and lying as a way of life. Naturally, I did not want him staying there, so he ended up staying with me.

Over the timespan he's spent with me, it seems boundary issues are something he will never learn. He has a mild case of asperger's as I do (not diagnosed) and finds every excuse in the book to spend time with me, not recognizing my need to be away from him from time to time, to be alone or with friends. If there's nothing to do, he'll guilt trip me into spending time with him. He'll always ask me where i'm going if I get up to leave the room he's in for five seconds and insists I be everywhere with him, trips to the grocery store even if i'm driving there myself ("wait for me and i'll go with you"), even insisting I sit with him while he sleeps and when I ask why, for lack of a better reason, he says "just so I can be with you". Every cigarette I have, i've gotta invite him out to join or so help me god! He even insists on partying with my friends and I when we have our weekly drinking nights!

He's constantly pointing out my flaws (organization and habits mostly), even if he does them himself. He's obnoxious and hypocritical (which I won't go into since I would spend about five paragraphs describing it) and in conversations, whether he has business in them or not, he will randomly join and go on and on about himself. He is one sided and will insist on rambling about all the issues in his life that i'd heard the night before and the entire week prior, putting me in a depressive state. And of course there's his guilt trips and one sided arguements he likes to provoke.

After I turned 21, it seems he's been turning most of his attention towards my drinking, even if it's a beer or margarita at a restaurant, even though I maybe drink a couple days out of the week. This has been bugging the hell out of my friends who agree he's overreacting to it and needs to chill, even pushing me to put up a poll in the adults section to prove my point to him and myself. It's even got to the point where my friends quit drinking because my dad came to them and told them he didn't want me drinking liquor in MY f###ing apartment and requested we stick to beer, which eventually got them to stop because they felt like our nights were controlled and instead just brought a bag for us to smoke every weekend, which surprisingly my dad has no problem with, seeing as though he's never seen pot to be addictive or cause as serious of consequences. For them to stop is no problem, but to feel like they were forced into it because my dad is paranoid made me very angry, as he has no right to try and tell them not to bring liquor because he's worried about me partaking (which I will, but it's my right to do so). After I heard about it, I acted a bit impulsively by buying a bottle while he lent me his jeep to go work out (the only place he doesn't insist to join) and pouring some down the drain to make it seem like I had drank more, greeting him to the sight of his biggest pet peeve walking through my door. I told him flat out to f### off and stop going to MY friends to fix problems he has with me. The reason I gave for whiskey and drinking alone was that if he insists I don't party amongst my friends, then i'd party alone. This of course led to a huge fight, but the (albeit brief) moment of satisfaction, priceless!

My credit has been racking up due to the fact that he never has money and lives off of unemployment. He convinces me to use my card for everything, insisting I buy s### that I don't need, like snacks and restaurants. He tries convincing me at least five times a day that when he gets back from Michigan things will be different, he says he and his attourney friend are gonna start a business, he'll pay my credit in compensation, which i'm always stupid enough to buy no matter how much I can't see it happening. It seems like it'll stay this way forever. After I drove him to the airport where he'd be away from me for a couple of weeks, instead of thinking about how much I would miss him as I do with my family and friends, the first thought that came to my mind was "praise the lord", as it felt a huge weight was lifted. It's terrible, I know, for me to think this way but he's caused so much stress I craved a breather. He's well intentioned and always wants what's best for me, which is not unappreciated, and would do anything to assure i'm taken care of if I need it, but no matter how many times I tell him these things that bother me, things never change and he either takes offense, takes it the wrong way or argues a furitive one-sided battle. I'm at wits end, but I don't have it in me to boot him out and even if I did, my car broke down while he was staying with me and I need his to get around and make my way!! !

Sorry for the extremely long rant, I feel much better!

Abuse can happen in any kind of relationship, not just romantic relationships. Your dad is abusing you, sucking you dry. You are only 21, so you feel stronger than people who are older, but believe me, if you were 35 and he was doing this to you, you wouldn't last long. Don't let him suck your youthful energy and age you before your time. Get yourself some support, and get it now.

Your dad is highly manipulative. He is using himself as a hostage in order to get you to do what he wants: by threatening to force "the hostage" (himself) to live in a bad situation, he puts you in a position where you feel forced to rescue him. Instead of doing the work that he needs to do on himself, fixing his own problems, he ignores his problems and invents problems that he assigns to you. The credit situation is extremely dangerous. You do know that it is possible to go so far into debt that you can never get out, right? This is very serious! This is not a sustainable situation. There is no amount of time during which this could go on that would lead to improvement. Something has to change, now.

I strongly, strongly suggest you find a therapist who has experience helping people in codependent relationships. Your situation is a little different because your dad is exploiting your youth and good will towards your parent (rather than exploiting some psychological need you have to "fix" someone), but the escape methods are the same. You need to learn to set healthy boundaries in order to protect yourself from your dad's destructive attitudes and behaviors. You have to protect your credit, your home, your relationships, and your peace of mind. You deserve your own life.

No! It's not terrible at all! That is a healthy reaction. Your dad is exploiting you, and deep down you know it's not right. It's not your job to prevent your father from being homeless. He is a grown man, you are his child; if anything, he should be the one with the safety net to catch YOU! You can make a change!

Please call Crisis Intervention of Houston at 713-HOTLINE (that's 713-468-5463, also crisishotline dot org) and explain your situation. Ask them to help you find a counselor who can help you get your dad out of your house.

You and your counselor can figure out a strategy for changing this situation. Your counselor will be able to find the names and phone numbers of supportive services, information you can give to your dad. It sounds like your dad should be on SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance) for his mental problems and inability to work. Your dad can choose for himself whether to avail himself of those services. Perhaps most importantly, your counselor can provide you with the emotional support and reassurance you need to go through with this and to process the emotions that come up afterwards. You have to recognize that you are not a junior social worker, and your dad's safety is not your responsibility. You are NOT stuck. There IS a way out.

From the sound of it, the situation is not that you are completely stuck and absolutely must have your father around so you can use his car (please correct me if I am wrong). Please do not tell yourself the lie that you "need" your dad to be there so that you can use his car. I get the sense that allowing him to stay is your choice, that there is SOME way to get your car fixed. Maybe you could use the credit card to fix the car. Maybe your friends would pitch in to fix the car if you promised that you would make your dad leave. Maybe you can tighten your belt and forego non-essentials in order to get the money together. Maybe the garage could do a payment plan. Maybe you could get it fixed at a vocational school. There are lots of options. Don't let the thought that you "need his car" prevent you from doing what you need to do.

Again, please call the crisis hotline and please just make him leave. Put his stuff outside, with a note that has the phone number for Social Security, tell him to apply for disability. Get whatever counseling or other support you need to do it. He can't do this to you anymore, it's just not fair. Your dad is not your responsibility.

Your father:
- inserts himself into every activity you try to do
- is oblivious to your need to spend time and energy on yourself: he thinks all your energy should go to him
- talks about himself non-stop
- criticizes you constantly
- sees problems with you where there aren't any
- tries to control how you live (from a position where he'd be homeless without you)
- sucks up all of your financial resources
- jeopardizes your credit (and thus jeopardizes your ability to buy a home, etc later in life)
- constantly fills your head with promises of repayment, many times per day, in order to keep the money flowing
- changes the subject, argues off-topic, or explodes when you protest: anything to avoid responsibility
- does everything he can to keep you off-center, so you'll be too physically and emotionally fried to pull yourself up and put a stop to this: he's harming you in order to keep that supply coming.

Are you sure your dad isn't a narcissist, or a sociopath? People with these personality disorders do not change and are extremely toxic: all you can do is cut off contact and protect yourself. (See LoveFraud dot com.)

This was possible, but a rock shot right through my engine while I was driving damaging not only the oil pan, but also the engine itself and the oil valve connecting the oil to the engine. Whenever I leaked the excess oil out, it was watered down and thinned, meaning water is leaking into my oil tank. Also, I need new motor mounts, but that was realized and bought before I had this problem. It was estimated the damages were more than the car was worth, so I scrapped it. It'll be a little bit before I get another car. Needless to say, my car's f###ed!

I had depended on him for a little while too, but he's always bringing up things that he's shared and doesn't consider what i've put in.

Although my dad was going to Michigan for jury duty, he also has been owed a car for work he did on my uncle's house a couple years back, which he promised to me. However, I doubt he'll collect it since he won't stand up for what he is owed.

I do agree though, if he comes back without the car or money for a payment towards my card like he promised me, then there's no way I should let this happen any longer and all trust is gone as far as I am concerned.

So sorry that the car is kaput.

I'm really glad to hear you say that. You yourself said that he has already broken many promises to you: so I would be prepared for him to break this one. I would plan for the worst, if I were you.

Let's assume that he surprises you, though: what happens if he does return with the car, or the money, and you accept the goods? Wouldn't he just use that to try to manipulate you into taking care of him? Then if you tried to make him leave, he could say: "I gave you this car (or that money), and now you're putting your old man out on the street. That's some way to show your appreciation." Is it safe to put yourself in that position in order to obtain a car? Would you be able to take the car and then make him leave? Or would that set you up to feel obligated to continue taking care of him? It sounds like a trap to me.

Since he's gone right now, you have a golden opportunity to seek out whatever support you need to go through with this. Once he's back, he'll be sucking you dry again, and you might lose your nerve. The situation could drag out for months. I sincerely hope that despite your young age that you will do what you need to do to protect yourself: find a counselor, get your friends together, prepare yourself to eject him from your home.

You can give him an allowance that he can spend or determine how much money is to be spend on certain things. Als with time, you can say that you can spend couple of hours a day with him but than you need your time. Yes, he is unconsiderate and manipulative but there is a way to manage this better than burn the bridges. Although at a time it may seem more convenient/easier to cut all ties in the long run, he may help you (like with his car) later. I mean he doesn't sound like a complete bum, he held a job before.

I disagree with the therapist suggestion. You already have money troubles so you certanly do not need another expense.

good luck

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Last edited by Biene on 28 Jul 2009, 7:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Cut your credit cards with a sissors. If you aren't paying the money back you are being charged a whopping ammount of interest I would guess. Credit cards are not good and bad credit can easily damage your future plans (for example getting a morgage). If it's a card linked to a bank account with no overdraft it's ok though.

About the car, I'd say take it if he gives it to you. You can say about how he's been living in your home (probably rent free) and that he said that he'd pay you back anyways. I'm guessing that you've been paying for grocerys, utilities etc. And whilst you've been paying for pretty much everything, he's also got the audacity to criticise your actions in your own home. Correct me if I'm wrong. Think about it.

I want to clarify that if B can take the car without becoming emotionally entangled or indebted, I think taking it would be good.

I wouldn't take the car or the cash and run. I just want to make sure this is taken care of. I wouldn't continue to take care of him, but rather help him out so long as he will help me.

Last edited by Brandon_M on 28 Jul 2009, 3:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Double post, sorry.

Last edited by Brandon_M on 28 Jul 2009, 3:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I never claimed abuse here, nor did anyone else when citing specific cases. While I appreciate that he cares, he crossed a line between concerned and controlling. And he doesn't prevent it, but instead turns it into an activity of rebellion and spite rather than recreation.



Whilst having me pay for all the gas and repairs, even though he drives it more than me.



Several times I have told him, and it still continues. And I recognize his pleasure in my company, but if i've told him to back off and he pushes harder, than why wouldn't I vent like normal human emotion drives you to do to stay sane? And trust me when I say everything I have written i've brought up to him.



You're absolutely right I did, but that gives him an invitation to stay, not to take over like i'm 14.



No contest. This needs to change, i've recognized this. However, i'd let it continue for longer than I should've.



They've been there through thick and thin and are never too busy to help a friend in need. They are responsible (most of them anyways), good natured and good company despite their "occasional" vices, such as smoking and drinking (where the hell did I say a lot? I said the weekends). But yet, I need new ones because they partake in things that you wouldn't agree with? It seems you watch too many after school specials, not all tokers are lowlifes like the ones they like to show. One thing I will say about us is the fact that we were formed on a policy of no judgement. Sure, straight edge non-drinkers or smokers show up at these gatherings (about half) and have just as much fun, but they never criticize the ones that do, and we never push them to partake either. Until this point, your arguement held up ok, but i've lost all respect for your opinion when you bashed a tight knit group whom I have nothing but upmost respect for based on this fact. Go away!

Its YOUR apartment.YOU pay the rent.YOU can kick him out if he refuses to live by YOUR rules.YOU are 21 and should not be pushed around. HE should be grateful that you are providing him with a place to stay and HE should demonstrate such by giving YOU THE RESPECT YOU DESERVE.

This would be the ideal situation, but the fact that Brandon_M needs his dad's car at the moment makes things messy.

Brandon_M, I think one reason your dad might be so controlling is that he's afraid that you will just dump him and forget him, with him not fully realizing that by controlling you, you'll feel more inclined to do precisely that. Your dad does need to let go and find his own set of friends, and needs to get off his butt and get a job and do something instead of being so dependent on you. You're both adults, he should carry his own weight just as you are. Whatever you do, I have to agree with you: do NOT take his car, even if offered. If you want him to carry his weight, then you need to lead by example and carry your own weight, that means get your car fixed or get a rental or something else. Once you accept that car, it becomes yet another string which he can pull to manipulate you. Unfortunately if he can't let go, you'll have to kick him out and let him learn the hard way.

No matter what happens, it will not be easy for either of you, so I sincerely wish you both the best of luck. I know what it feels like from both points of view, getting controlled by my dad and controlling a son-like figure, yeah it won't put me in the best light but it is what it is and I accept that it happened. Your dad needs you more than he realizes he does... only time will tell if that need is reciprocal.


It wasn't productive for Biene to recommend getting new friends just because they drink and smoke pot. It's great that you found a group whom you respect due to their lack of judgment of other people. Keep in mind, however, that there are downsides to absolutely everything; nothing is 100% rosy. You may be getting a lot from this group because at the moment you might need nonjudgmental people around you, but certainly this group will have drawbacks which you may or may not realize. Every group and person is going to have its advantages and disadvantages, and accepting that duality will help you in your situation with your dad and in dealing with life in general.