Feeling Suicidal Over Guilt

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I am a compulsive worrier. So much so that I annoy my mother with it, and as such, I feel guilty over the fact that I have made her upset. I always feel compelled to ask nervous questions so that I could get a sense of assurance. It is, however, almost like a drug in that as I progress, or perhaps regress is a better term for it, I need to ask more questions to get the same effect of relief. So much so that I am actually contemplating suicide over the (perhaps irrational) belief that by doing so, I would not longer annoy anyone.

I also have a deep guilt complex that gets me in the same sort of situations. This is on top of the guilt that I develop whenever I annoy my mother or someone else with the aforementioned concern. This of course makes me feel worse, and thus I feel I need to ask a question, and the cycle starts a new.

I am very desperate, and I cannot keep thoughts of suicide out of my head from this. I also admit to harming myself as a form of punishment, since I always feel that I need to be punished. I once described it as feeling sub-human.

Does anyone have any advice?

Thank you.

By the way, my therapist recently was diagnosed with cancer. He’s a Catholic Priest, and the Church is moving him to a care center in Texas. I won’t be able to see him again, so I really don’t have formal therapy sessions any more.

I do keep a diary. I'd feel guilty if I did not enter every specific detail into it, and organize and order it.

Group therapy? Any advice on how to avoid the fear of it? I think I'd be uncomfortable.

Thank you for responding. Please don't think that I am trying to be difficult!

Sounds like you are in a vicious circle. I live with a compulsive worrier and my aspie son can get locked into negative patterns. It is annoying. But never ever assume that people would be relieved if you were gone from their lives. You are loved.

Try to find a way to have life throw you out of your negative spiral. Go out and walk around somewhere new; find something really emotional or really beautiful that takes your mind off you. Something to lose yourself in for a while. My cats always do it for me.

I feel the same way Vashna although it isn't as bad as it use to be but I too have been considering one option you brought up which is group therapy.

Also, are you on meds? That might help with the anxiety and I agree with pekkla...cats and most animals seem to calm me down.

I'm not sure if I have any good inputs since there's so many options out there and yet there aren't. You also need to take action but I know how hard it is once it when it's that severe. Not everyone understands the severity some of us folks have.

Keep us updated...I can really relate with that cycle in feeling guilt and suicide. But lease don't kill yourself over this!

I read through your thread Vashna. I want to help you. I have dealt with my worries some and I wish you could understand some things to help not get on the track to this cycle. Bear with me as I try to explain. Consider how the time in our lives passes. We have the future, present, and the past. You can think of the three as if they were TV channels. Channel 1 has the stuff you already have seen. The re-runs. Channel 2 is the show that is on right now. You pay attention to it as the plot unfolds in real time. Channel three is the preview channel. It gives you a glimpse of whats coming up but you can't be sure how it will play out. You just have to tune in later. The thing is that only one of these channels worth spending your time focusing on. That would be Channel 2. Channel 1 is good for checking to see where you have been but not so exciting or entertaining and some of the episodes where rather uncomfortable to watch because they have bad feeling attached to them. Channel three is good to let you know what some of the coming attractions are so you can prepare for some things. So a quick channel flip to 3 is not a bad idea but if you stay to long you will miss the best stuff which is the new shows that are on now back on Channel 2. Can you try and focus on your present? Be aware of what channel you are switched to mentally? I think this is helpful for me. That is why I wanted to share it. When I find a big worry tries to loom I make sure I turn off channel 3 and just focus on the current day or sometimes just the things I can do in the hour. Watch as the hour passes and take an inventory. Still here. Little has changed. I feel like doing so and such... or not... What ever. If you have something coming up in the future then do some small thing towards having the situation turn out better and then get back to your present life. Practice doing the little I just mentioned. It can be something seemingly insignificant and require only a few seconds. Hope you can learn something about yourself here and trust that you can be at peace in the midst of uncertainty if you keep checking where you are focusing your mind.

Thank you all so much for your responses. They really meant a lot to me. I am looking into the possibility of group therapy. The television analogy has been really helpful. Ever since I started thinking in these terms, I believe that I have been able to adjust the manner in which I think about things at least a little bit. Of course, it is not an easy task to change one’s paradigms, however, that really was a big help to me. Thank you all again.