I keep wanting to do stupid stuff.

Post Reply New Topic

I don't know how best to explain this at all, but I'll give it a go.

I've always had OCD type tendencies, since I was a very young child. I had fixations with the oddest things, for example I had one about the kitchen cutlery drawer. I would repeatedly check it was closed, over & over. If I was outside I would keep running into the house to make sure it was shut & it was all I thought about. I had no control over this, and I had many others very simlar to it. I also had one about repeatedly checking the gas fire was off at night, because my mum's friend told us this story about a family who were killed by theirs. How lovely. All these things with me have roots, and I never solve them until I find the root causes. It took me years to work out a connection between those two.

These days these tendencies have morphed into other things, worse things. Things I would rather be obsessed with kitchen drawers than experience.

The latest ones are having a really bad urge to mess with settings on my computer, stuff that could mess it up & land us with a big repair bill. I'm not doing this, I'm resisting the best I can, but while I'm not doing it, I get this horrible ache in my chest which feels like a bomb is about to go off in my heart. It's the most weird feeling ever.

I could really use some ideas as to what to do about this, as I really cannot afford to mess this PC up, it's my life.

I noticed this one started on the day my grandma died. Now you might think that was a terrible event, but to be honest I'd not seen her for years & she'd not really been there as a grandma to me for the best part of my life. Thats not an Aspie lack of empathy/sympathy thing, thats an oppinion also shared by my mum & sister too, which I agree with.

I just wished I could have seen her one last time, but hey, mum wouldn't do the 6 hour road trip to where she lived.

Anyway, I can trace this stupid compulsion back to that day exactly. I don't think anything else went off in my life on that day, just that. Mum called me, woke me up as I seldom get up till like 10am when my parther is at work lol. She told me Grandma had died. She'd been in hospital on life support, was getting a bit better, then bang, she died.

I really don't know why my mind would associate messing up the computer with my grandma's death. Grandma didn't even own a computer.

I love my PC, it's my portal to the outside world, if I kill it, I pretty much kill me. I could use some advice on this, because it's worming into my everyday thinking. Just like the light switch, the kitchen drawer, the bathroom window & everything else I've been obsessed with/OCD'd over.

Help?

I would like to offer my condolences as well.

I'm sorry for your loss.

One thing I've learned about grief is that you aren't necessarily grieving for the loss of the relationship you *had;* you might be grieving for the loss of the relationship you *didn't* have. Maybe there's part of you way inside that's saying "I wish I had had (this) sort of relationship with my grandmother, and I didn't, and now it's impossible because she's dead."

I dunno. Just a theory.

I just don't know how the 2 relate, the computer & grandma, but I know they do.