It's not a euphoric feeling of excitement. It's not a supreme feeling of confidence and superiority. To me, it's more of a feeling of peace, safety and freedom.
Just a few months ago, I was living in happiness. A peaceful college life where the only thing you have to worry about is your grades. Before that, I was an unemployed useless leecher, living in my sister's house for 3 years, not able to do anything in my life, and too bored even with my obsessions, just waiting for the opportunity to get back to college. I finally went back to college this last semester, but was dismissed because I couldn't get my grades up. Just a few weeks ago my reapplication was rejected, and now I'm permanently out, and back to living with my sister.
Things went back to the way they were, except this time I have absolutely nothing left to look forward to, and the memories of happiness in college are now fresh in my mind. I know for a fact that unless I can find that peace, safety and freedom, I will never be happy.
There is nothing to indicate that I ever will. Every path in front of me is blocked. I have the survival skills of a 10-year-old, and no one I know is able, or willing to help me find my way out of this mess. I'm trapped in my own mind, and no one could help me out of it. I've lost my will to live.
16 Sep 2010, 7:06 am
