Altogether too much...

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There is a song quote that I like... "hey it's alright my life has never been a bed of roses this way's better for me". My life is strange. I become accustomed to certain upsets and in general I can roll with most of these more common place disturbances. Tonight I could not.

In the past seven days I have been attacked by a pit bull, spent two days in a room in a juvenile center as the support person for a thirteen year old girl living through a situation so awful that I cannot get into it without shutting down again... I keep thinking that the trial was only part two... The next round, she will have to take stand and testify. I love that girl like she was my daughter, she is my baby I did not give birth to. This is torture to her. Her mom is falling apart. I know that my casual way of dealing with crisis and trauma at times makes me seem like a cold _ (fill in with swear word), but people seem to want me there for horrible circumstances because someone needs to be calm in the middle of that sort of thing. My daughter turned 14 yesterday and despite the fact that we had court, I still managed to make spaghetti and her favorite orange pop cake for seven. I found out today that the only friend I have is now in a hospital bed waiting for spinal surgery. My mom called hysterical... her best friend died. We found out that a local boy who was shot (he was nine) was a child that my husband once carried down the hall when he fell in the computer lab. The down side of having family who works for the school district... every time a child dies, it is a child we know.

The crazy thing is, this is how my life goes. Things like that are not abnormal in my world. I do ok... I guess... as long as I get my time to shut the hell up and reset. I have not been afforded that luxury in days and I lost it tonight. For my daughters birthday, she is going to take a friend up north this weekend to see her grandparents. Due to court (she sat out of the room to be there for her friend when she came out and needed a hug) she missed a quiz she needs to make up after school tomorrow. Normally she rides the bus home as I have no car. Now she needs a ride home. The grandpa cannot pick her up as he will not be here until 5 and she needs to leave the school at 3:30. I told her I would as my husband if he would be home by then so I could use the car to get her. I do not like change in my routine and due to my lack of down time, I was not feeling great about this. Then he gets home and I ask him if he will be able to be home by 3:30... he normally is but to assume so and not ask is rude, so I ask before telling my daughter I will pick her up. My husband then inform me that he has plans to go out drinking with some work people. This was the first I heard of it and something in my head snapped. That was it. I was done.

I started yelling about how we rearranged weekends with his daughter so we could have her this weekend because he had been sick and then had a cpr class and he has not seen her in two weeks and after we work it out so I can walk to her school, pick her up and keep her this week so she can get some daddy daughter time, he plans to go drink at 4 in the afternoon? I need the car (I ask for the car once every two weeks so I can go to the grocery store and I loathe shopping) and I can't pick my daughter up after picking another daughter up so she can make up a test she missed due to being there for a friend whos world is falling apart and then go up north for her birthday weekend? I know it is not the car I am just mad about. I got up before I started screaming and banging my head into my laptop and went upstairs to my bedroom and started rocking and I looked up and two hours were gone, my face was soaked and my pillow is now destroyed and I have two hand shaped bruises on my arms from holding myself too tightly. At least I did not get into head banging or slapping myself silly. I go fight club on myself sometimes...

My husband fed me Valium. I'm not rocking anymore. For weeks now I have been only able to speak to him during commercial breaks. I do not talk much. Perhaps it is unfair of me to want his attention when I do want to talk. I do not know. I have a hard time seeing things through any eyes but my own. But this trial has been getting to me. I wanted to talk to him about that, he has things going on and has nothing left to give me of himself... his time... Reevaluating myself and what I thought I was versus the reality of how I am is difficult for me. My therapist gave me the aspergers diagnosis. In November, she and I go to see the Doc... my therapist wants a 'piggy back diagnosis'. My husband is uninterested in this process. It has been weighing on my mind. I don't know if he even knows the stupid dog attacked me.

Tonight after I was back in my head and not lost within it, he came to talk to me. While I was in retreat mode, he sat down our children and asked them to be more considerate of me... to perhaps do little things to let them know they appreciate what I do. He told me how he told them he needs to do this as well. He sat and told me how he knows by looking at me how much things like getting groceries bothers me so deeply... how stressful going back to school is for me and how on top of all of the daily insanity, I have had this week to cope with and how he should be there more and he knows it and loves me and is going to work harder to be there for me. He said sorry. He said a lot of things. Some days I believe the man just does not understand me. I know I am difficult. I know I can be a nightmare. Some days I believe the man is just waiting to go. Tonight he made me believe that he is really willing to do his part to help in this. It makes it easier for me to do my part, knowing that I have him to lean on when I need to. In the middle of all of this, I feel ok now. I hope it's not just the head full of Valium talking.

I need to shut up now. If you made it through my long winded tirade, I thank you. I just needed to work this out and writing helps me... It's easier for me to see myself when reading my words and not just try to play catch up with my muddled head.

I wish you the best recover for all and everything, including the dog's attack.
I hope you weren't wounded.

Yow..that sounds like a bundle of stress...

I would be freaking out too under those circumstances...

also...sorry for also focusing on the pit bull attack in light of everything else..I have been attacked by one too, and it was awful...The owners said it was because of the odd pitch of my voice...

Hope you weren't too badly hurt..

A person with typical wiring would crumble under such stress. I'm glad your husband finally noticed why you were overloading and promises to help you more. It helps to figure out how much you can handle and set your boundaries beforehand. I know that's not always easy. Sometimes you don't know it's too much until it's already too much.

Thank you. I was not seriously wounded by the dog. Lucky for me, my skirt was more enjoyable to chew on than my leg. Heh. My skirt however... that is a different story.

I have dogs attack me before... people seem oblivious to leash laws here... but never by a pit bull. The sound that animals paws made while it was running down the sidewalk was something I will not forget. They can be viscous critters sometimes. That seems odd to me that your voice is what got it. I have heard that certain tones or pitches are good for asserting control, so it seems to make sense that other pitches could have negative effect. Wild. Sorry you had to go through that. I hope you weren't hurt too badly as well.

All in all I am alright. As I said before, the mess of my skirt became the main chew toy. I did not need stitches and the dog has a clean bill of health so I need no rabies shot. I just hope the owner gets it together because there is bus stop by where the whole incident occurred. That guy will have his dog put down if he lets that go on. I don't blame the dog... he was just not properly cared for and I was near his house, you know. But if he gets a kid... that is another issue entirely.

I was attacked by an Akita/Chow mix named "Angel". She took a chunk out of the back of my thigh. People thought Oh well, because I only had 3 stitches but it was a hole in my flesh and they didn't have anything to pull together. I've always liked dogs and now I have to fight against a fear of unfamiliar dogs. The attack was entirely unprovoked.

I am glad he noticed to. He has his own stuff going on and it can be easy to get caught up in that... I understand, I do that as well. I appreciate his efforts, I know it is hard for him.

I'm terrible about setting boundaries. I have a hard time telling people no... especially people my husband calls 'underdogs'. I do that a lot... I think I can just plow through this and then that and then more things, then I fall apart. I never know it is too much until it is already too much. I just can't do a lot of what I used to be able to do and I'm not adjusting well. I need to reevaluate my abilities with some reality and then apply it to my life... That is going on my list of long term goals. Hell... maybe it needs on short term they way things have been this month. Heh.

My younger daughter's friend was attacked by a chihuahua once. The dog just jumped up and bit her in the lip. It was not serious damage, but the girl is now, understandably so, afraid of dogs she does not know. Like you, she was a dog lover... she still is. People dismissed her and it was enraging. People don't take into consideration how things affect others... just because you don't have bones sticking out body, it does not mean no damage is done. And just because they think a thing seems small, it does not mean the thing will not have lasting consequences. I am sorry people gave you the 'oh well' treatment. That's not right.

I can relate. Are you INFP? Have you ever taken the Myers-Briggs test? On a much milder scale, I'm feeling frustrated because I have not done a good job at insisting that my son do some things for himself. Now he automatically asks me (politely) and I have a hard time keeping the edge out of my voice when I tell him he is capable of getting chocolate milk for himself and I am busy. He is diagnosed Asperger's and I guess I got used to him having no clue how to do things. I had to teach him how to take a shower. He took the cake of soap and rubbed it directly onto his skin and then said "Now what?"

Just a word about the dogs: I'm glad you weren't bitten to blood, on the contrary of Aimless.

In the countryside, it's well known that if a dog knows the taste of blood after it has bitten a living creature (no matter if it's someone or an another animal), you can't keep it because it will do it again.

In cities people seem to not know that elementary rule.
In cities, people are often dangerous with their pets

" Angel" was eventually put down. Sometimes dogs just have a screw loose. We had a dog when I was a teenager that had to be put down. He couldn't calm himself down. When we came home from school he would jump up on us and not be able to stop. He bit an EMT once I think because the lights and the siren noise set him off and then when he growled low in his throat at a neighbors infant grandchild that was it. We would ask our parents' What happened to Travis?' and they would say 'Travis has been taken care of' and wouldn't say anything more.

I took that test years ago... I do not recall the results. I'm sure I will be taking it this afternoon to see what I get. I am curious now. One of the things my husband talked to me about once I was coherent was the lecture he gave our kids while I was out of it. I am notorious for doing the simplest of tasks for them. I try to tell myself it is not unreasonable of me to expect they can do things for themselves, but then this other voice chimes in about how they go to school and how life as a teen is crazy they need sanctuary in their home and then I get freaked out about having to do something stupid like pick up five books my daughter left out. It's ridiculous. I understand that frustration. One of my biological daughters is clearly nt... the other I am not so sure of. We have always made certain allowances for her and it is hard to know when to stop and insist she do things on her own for her own. Your shower example made me laugh. When my daughter was young, I had to explain to her that bubbles in her bath were not soap and that she needed to wash still. This confused her deeply.

This is true. People in cities are largely unaware of this... or in the case of my town, they just do not care. It is dangerous and sad.

That is heart breaking. Necessary, but heartbreaking. It could have been much more tragic had someone's small child been hurt before the dog was 'taken care of'. My friend had a dog put down two years ago when it showed aggression to an adult and then snapped at a small child. It tore my friend up... she loved her dog, but it was the only thing to do. She cried for a week after putting her dog down. She told her son they found an isolated farm where the dog could run around and not have people to contend with.