What's wrong with me?

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I've been finding myself mourning the Disembolishment of the Routemaster Double Deckers in London. I hear an abusive Male voice in my head asking, "What difference does it make? A bus is a bus!" I also hear an abusive Female voice in my head saying, "You're in Canada!" Even worse, the voices sound like those of my Parents. I also hear a Cockneyfied voice, (my conscience) telling me that crying is a waste of time. I've had two relatives die in the same month, three years ago, but my current dilemma is affecting me more. I've read that people on the Spectrum are more attatched to physical objects than they are to people. I wonder if that's it. I haven't actually squirted some, but I came pretty close, a couple times. Am I being rediculous? This is affecting me more than the Bombings in the Middle East. More than 9/11 did, back in 2001. I felt the same way, when I've read about the Attack on the London Transit System. I've also had the same feelings, when I found out that Britian was going to gradually phase out the Traditional Bobbies, back in the June of 1994. My mood was improving until I've heard 'Pretty Paper' by Roy Orbison on my Radio Station. What's wrong with me?

I don't know that anything is wrong with you. I kinda feel the same way about the subject now that you mention it.

Y

I don't think anything is wrong with you, Cockney I don't think it's unusual at all for us to become very attached to things, I get very attached to things, even things as small and insignificant as an eraser or a pen! It drives me crazy when I lose the things I'm attached to and I can become sad like you are if I can't find them again or if I can't use them again-when the transmission went on the little car I've had for two years and have spent quite a bit of time in driving back and forth to university, I got pretty upset, and I'm still a little wistful about it. I've often felt the way you do, that there was something wrong with me or that I was too materialistic, but I think it is normal for us. You know, I was kind of disappointed when I found out they were retiring those double deckers too as I've always wanted to ride in one, and if I feel that way when my love of London is not as deep as yours then I imagine you must be feeling a lot worse. I hope you start feeling better.

As someone who also has had an AS-magnitude fascination with transit for much of my life, I can relate. I mean, I would be sad when a relative passed on, and when something I knew was really bad happened, but it didn't trigger the gut reaction of sadness something bad in my area of interest did. I realized this, and wondered why I was feeling the way I felt (or didn't) in those respective situations. It's weird, but it's like I got more emotional--into some VERY emotional, heated arguments with my folks--over what mode of transportation we'd use to get to a relatives' house for Christmas, or Thanksgiving, more emotional over that than than over seeing (or not seeing) the relatives to begin with. While that's beginning to change for me now due to other factors in my life, I know how it feels, and it is a reality for many.

The important thing to remember is this: even if your mind triggers a huge emotional reaction over something related to transit, or any other interest you have, it doesn't mean you don't care about those around you for whom who you wish to care. Your mind may trigger reactions differently, but it doesn't mean you don't have to care when care is needed or warranted over your loved ones.

I think I'd be much like you. I'd probably be more upset if I lost a treasured object then a person's life. It would hurt alot in both situations, but I guess with a person's life there are so many people around to support you, and people who feel the same way as you do. So it's kind of like a group mourning even if you aren't with them. With an object or bus in this situation, you probably feel really isolated because you seem to be the only one who is genuinely upset over the loss of them. So you feel worse because you have lost something you treasured and no one else can comprehend it. I'm just taking a random guess, but that's what it felt like to me when I lost one of my most treasured possesions at the time when it occurred. Plus, on occassions an object or thing can mean alot more to you then anything else, so it feels natural to grieve over the loss of it.

I too felt like a part of the english culture had died when I found out that the buses are being retired.

For the sake of those who are sentimental, devoted (aspie prehaps?) fans of the busses are buying them up and preserving them from the scrap heap.

Thankyou for all the support. I've been trying to block the images out of my head by keeping myself busy. There's a saying that "Busy Hands are Happy Hands". Than I've realised that all that moving around at top speed was accelerating my Bodily Organs. I was questioning that saying, and I've decided to just be myself and cherish the images of the Double Deckers that my mind projects, every time I close my eyes. I've even allowed myself to hang the Double Decker orniment that I've bought myself in Victoria, BC three Springs ago, on my Miniture Alluminium Tree. I feel better now, than I did, keeping myself so busy that I didn't sit down, until after I'd eat my Dinner. There was a time, 6 years ago, when I thought that being myself wasn't good enough and that I had to be like everybody else. Everybody else was better than I was, because they worked in the types of jobs, where they were in charge of other people. Pretty interesting, compared to being given the simplest Tasks at Factory, when I felt that I was able to do so much more. It's taken me 6 years to realise that it's better for me to just be myself than it is to put on an act. They say that time heals all. I think that I've started my healing proccess by slowing down and appreciating my Quirks.

Nah, you just have Aspergers. I mourn for objects as much many times as I would a person. Maybe not a REALLY close person, but I still feel excessive attachment to things. They all have personality to me.

I feel about 70% better than I did when I've read that article in the Paper a week ago, Today. I've been working on understanding myself and giving myself the acceptance that I've never really gotten from loved ones. I've even bought myself a Die-Cast replica of a Routemaster from the Hobby Shop at the Langley Strip-Mall. I've spent $60 for it, but it was worth every Penny. I'm even back in the Cockney Spirit after a year and a half of keeping my second Depressive Episode a Secret. Real Peace doesn't come in the form of a Peace-Sign. It comes from Self Acceptance. I still feel a little down in the mouth about the loss of Big Red, but my mood has improved even more, since I've read an Article on the Internet, stating that some of those wonderful Busses were painted to look the way they did in the 1960s and put on the two Routes of the two main areas of London that I wish to see. I know that my Spirit isn't the Christmas one, because that one kicks in two days before Christmas Day. I feel like myself, again..Who Hoo!

Glad to hear you are doing better. Going to the hobby store sounds like it was a great idea.

Y

Cockney - I know exactly how you feel, and how others (non-AS) react to something like this. See my perennial posts on politics for an non-transporational example; I have been a political student for nearly 10 years (15 if you count drawing pictures of John Major and Maggie during primary school art classes) and the political situation is at its deadest for years, but most NTs can't understand why I feel so p*ssed off.

NTs don't get the really intense part of AS, they can see all the outward signs but don't understand this part. It's infuriating, but at least you are among friends here who share your pain...

I've allowed myself a proper Grieving, yesterday morning. I was alone in my room, and I was trying to find an Avitar that would keep the memory alive. I saw all those images of those beautiful Busses with the advertisements just torn off. Tears came out of my eyes like nothing I've experienced. I've let out a ten-second cry, and now I'm planning a Custom-Made London vacation for me to go on. I'm planning my Itinuary in such a way that I can hop on a Heritage Routmaster to any Destination that I plan on going to on whatever day. I plan on switching days, riding the routes and wandering along Carnaby Street. I plan on going for 16 days, from the third week of October to the middle of the second week in November. I might go next year, if I'm really good with my Budgeting, or in 2007, which could also commemerate the 10th Anniversary of the original Austin Powers movie that started it all, if my Budget doesn't work, as I plan. I'm at the Hopeful Phase of the Grieving Proccess, and I'm making plans. I'll never look at my October 30th Birthday, the same way again, after that Holiday.

I've found a Website, called Save the Routmasters. I'm not posting the link, becuase I don't want to impose myself on others. I've signed the Petition and I've signed up or the free Bi-Monthly News Letter. I feel that I've found my Closure. All that's left for me to do, is continue my Planning and to go on with my life, and see what happens in the future with the whole Transit mess. I've also seen the over Ten Thousand signatures and comments on the Petition and I don't feel so lonley, anymore.

Here's my Up-date.

My Routemaster Family recieved a New Addition, the very first Weekend of January. I've bought her at Gastown, at a Games Store, in Vancouver. She has prototypical Advertisement Decals on each side, and two Union Jack Decals on both the Front and the Back. I was feeling 90% better. Than my Mom asked me what a Routemaster is, with a bit of that Teenaged Grammar laced into her voice. I've showed her a picture on the Internet. Than I was feeling like I did, on the Weekend of December the 10th and 11th. I'm sure that some of those feelings have something to do with the PMS that I experience from time to time. Than I've admitted to her, that I was obsessed with Routemasters, since my third month of that Work Experience Programme in College, when some of my Classmates got meaner and things started to get wierd. I've dealt with that Twilight Zone of my Youth, by Day Dreaming about London and especially the Routemaster, in Class. I didn't want anything to do with this one Man who turned on me, and I gave up on my Hippie Philosophy. Routemasters and Hackney Carriages seemed to be the answers to my College Nightmares. I've become fixated on London, and especially these two London Vehicles. I've been feeling vurlerable, since I've admitted to my Mom, that I've been obsessed with Routemasters for thirteen years. I'm back down to feeling 70% better. I hate feeling vulnerable. I must soldier on, though!

people don't have to click on it

http://www.savetheroutemaster.com

I'm feeling 90% better, at this moment. If I sleep in a different room from my Bedroom, I have to have one of my Routemasters in that room, with me. It's almost like this silent prayer that I'm taking part in. I've signed the Petition in December, and since than, I've been praying and channeling my Vibes in hope that Ken Livingstone and TFL will wake up and realise what a mistake they've made. I also find myself obsessing over my red "Friend" when I'm stressed out.