so sick of it!!

Post Reply New Topic

I'm so tired of it. It seems like it should get easier after a while but it never does. With people I know and am comfortable with, I'm pretty okay communication-wise or socially speaking. But there are so many instances where I have to talk with people I don't know well and my self-confidence takes a hit every time, because I stumble more than once. I can't even adequately say how depressed and sad I'm feeling about it. Sometimes it feels like being trapped inside my own mind with it because I can't really say. It's hard when people may perceive you as either odd, slow, or maybe even insane when they give the side-ways glance. But when I take eqivelancy tests I'm well above those average people by a long shot, so no, it doesn't add up. I'll never be the sort of social butterfly and I have to accept it and not allow these encounters to wear down my self-esteem so much. I just feel like the only one out here and it just feels like crap. I sobbed for quite a while and now I'm exhausted but am feeling a bit better after talking about it with a friend. Does it ever get any easier? At my age now I think not and is something I'm going to have to get used to. I don't know that I ever will since I haven't yet already. I just feel like crap and like such a loser. I just really get tired of dealing with the discrepancies with regard to my own intelligence. And it really does make me feel crazy sometimes.

(hugs Meadow)

Thanks M. That sounds like a good trick to try and remember. I will give it a try.

Thanks TimTex.

I'm just beaten down by life now too and the over-compensating half brain I did have is probably down to a quarter now. That's what is seems like anyway. It's hard to be smart in one way and a complete idiot in another. And the idiot side only seems to get worse over time instead of better. My brain is more or less useless to me at this point. The whole singular, lonely sucks, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. I hate life and I hate me. And every time you think it can't get any worse, it does.

It's really hard for me to connect with others, and I feel like I don't fit anywhere. Coming from an abusive background has complicated everything for me. I thought when I was young that it hadn't touched me but as I get older it affects me more and more rather than less as I had originally expected. My adult life hasn't been much better. People use you or take advantage when they see a vulnerability. I feel like an idiot for not being able to prevent it. And the resulting depression keeps taking me deeper down. I think I just need to shut up and disappear. It doesn't do anyone any good, including me, to say anything about anything.

Hey Meadow, I so totally relate about the abusive background that was seemingly escaped and life getting bad. May I ask what industry you work in? I ask because two that I've worked in, computing development and libraries, seemed to be composed of a high percentage of male and female aspie or aspie-friendly people, so it's a good place to get some people you can relax a little around if nothing else.

(((hugs)))

I believe things get better. I think that us Aspies (sometimes) suppress our feelings for a time when something really hurts emotionally, and then wonder why we haven't delt with it as we originally thought (tho this is just a theory on mine).

Thank you SilentScream and LostAlien,

It's really nice to come here and see that someone has posted on my thread. I'm surprised that you did but very grateful too as I'm sure my day would have been much harder or sadder had you not, so thank you very much for that.

Hi SilentScream,

I'm a visual artist and I'm sure there are a great many aspies there too, and yes I'm aware of those fields with these connections, as well. It's just that us spectrum folks aren't the easiest lot to get to know many times either. It's just hard and I'm not sure I see it getting any easier. The isolation is so destructive. It seems like a catch-22 in many ways.

I'm so slow around verbal communication that any effort at all is mostly futile. I would much rather be NT and have friends and the ability to commicate and enjoy a full and enriching life but my verbal communication is such that it's more or less impossible. I take it that I'm at the deeper end of the spectrum than some with my verbal communication skills, or the lack thereof, and just getting more discouraged as I go along. There's no way out of it. Even if I went around with a pad and pen and tried to communicate that way it would take too long and people would still only hope to push me aside. And without the support or care of a family to turn to at all it's even more difficult. It feels hopeless to me in many ways, but I'm a cling-on so I'll make it through anyway. I'm sorry too about the abusive background you mention. I know it's hard. I find myself sort of in this little box where I can't really deal with anything anymore and it sort of scares me. I'm losing interest in my artistic capabilities as well. I think it's depression but I at least have hope that things will turn around for me as I've moved to an area that at least holds some interest for me in many ways. I saw some of what you're going through too and it's just so hard and appreciate all the more that you are able to offer support to others as I'm barely able to do so myself. Stay strong if you can and thank you for posting

Thank you LostAlien for the Hugs. Everything sort of gets delayed that way and I totally agree with you. And sometimes all we can do is give or receive a hug and it does make a difference.

The best advice i can give to all aspies i guess and especially you is to focus on this "disability" ( i mean the social bit ) but if you work and devote alot of time into figureing out the social stuff and everything you will catch up

You should have seen me in my middle school no wonder people looked at me as different because i didnt realise "how" i was different i just got upset and wondered why i was different and exsperimented with different personalitys ( dont do this! ) the best thing is to be yourself but fix the flaws in your social interactions and i know its hard because ive had to deal with the same thing but since ive focused on my AS ive improved immensely! And even i know that the change has worked well people are now more confident around me and if there not i just think screw em

Im really sorry that your feeling this down i wish that if i could meet you i could try and show you how to feel more confident and be happyier i mean sure sometimes i feel so down i just want to dissapear but if you work on the traits of AS your life will improve just give it a try and i hope it all works out for you.

_________________
Youtube killed the video star!


My favorite letter is the squiggly! ~

Thanks for your advice Mouldy, it is very well received and much appreciated. I don't have command of my verbal communication, for one. I'm also a Savant, but a very burdened one due to a lot of trauma. So I'm sort of on the deep end, so to speak, but what you say is perfectly true and I will focus my attentions more in this area as you say. There are many more challenges here than on average so in that regard, I'm probably not doing so bad.

Thank you