life falling apart

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Well, to put it bluntly, I am sick of life and see no point to it. Now for the highly aspergian description of what I mean.

Ever since I have lost my job my sanity has been slipping away, as well as my health apparently. My mind is kind of in a non-stop hyperactive army of hamsters on hamster wheels, as in no matter what I do, I don't stop thinking, thus further compounding the problems exponentially, well at least the emotional harm of it all anyways. Pile everything up on top of a crumbling state economy. (Pennsylvania unemployment last I hear pushing 40%) All my 'friends' have moved on out of the area, no one even communicates anymore. All the other people in my area are nothing but f*****g crackheads and junkies, so of course I don't even bother going out and socializing. I do not have transportation to get anywhere or even cash to go out and do something, nor can I even afford a hair cut in case cruel fate comes a knocking and i get called in for an interview at one of the 20+ places I have applied at. A lot of places are easily out of the way, and I cannot even rely on my family for anything. Hell, After finding out about how bad of a condition my GI tract is in and the need for corrective surgery, I called my father up, because you know, parents SHOULD care. Well I get treated to a god damned rant on how its my fault and he how he cant afford to help me out or anything. The support for people with psychiatric problems in my area is near 0% as well, as In you can leave messages to MHMR, ticket to work program, and everything else, and they do nothing, not even acknowledge my f*****g calls. Hell, I was denied unemployment because I got fired (all thanks to asperger's, If god truly exists, I should go to hell and take it over, and lead a crusade against heaven just for afflicting me with my mental issues.). 3 months ago, the state was supposed to start sending me my disability checks again, but not a single f*****g cent yet, and a whole but of calls from my that never got answered among other things. As I also said, I am sick of being alone, physically and mentally. The natural desire for me to find myself a girlfriend/mate is now getting to me as well, and the fact that all I ever see around me, both and real life and on TV, are nothing but couples. Its also bringing back my regrets from high school and earlier, especially the fact that I had PLENTY of chances to date women Ive really likes, even so much as to being invited to go to prom, and ive never noticed the hints and clue and everything else until it has been too late. I have also contemplated going back to college but the fact that I have no money, no transportation, too many fears and whatnot, and not wanting to put myself further into debt, holding me back from doing so.

So now I am at wits end about what to f*****g to. I cant even sleep anymore (for like the past 2 weeks, the most I have gotten per night on average is approx 3 hours.) Hell, when I do try to sleep, I either do nothing but contemplate the pointlessness of existence to the point I cannot even describe my hate about life, the universe, and everything. Or I might just lay their crying all damn night. I have pretty much gotten to the breaking point of either rampaging through town, killing myself, taking my guitar and the clothes on my back up to NYC or the jersey shore and living on the streets, or baiting someone into killing me.

I have no idea how to fix my life, no matter how hard I try to think of anything. I have to fix my life but I dont know how, any ideas?

It sounds like a pretty crappy area you live in right now. I'm sure it wouldn't be a simple thing to pack up and move somewhere else, not least because of the money issue, but I was thinking that if I were in your situation I'd be trying to find a way to get out of there.

My parents always moved around a lot when I was a kid, so I'm kind of used to re-locating. Whenever life gets too much, or I feel in a rut, I just find a new place to go and start over. There's the problem of making new contacts, but I normally manage, either through work, or support groups, or whatever.

I'd find a way to be in a place where mental health support and social resources were available. And I'd beg, borrow or steal to get myself there. But that's just my opinion, and maybe, as I say, it's because moving cities is something I'm already used to from childhood.

When you feel swamped with tons and tons of problems, it's easy to get lost amidst all them, hard to prioritize and hard to start recovering. Everything seems like a jumbled mess.

What I do is try to identify some of the small problems, and tackle them one by one. And as I pick out and solve some of these problems, looking at the mess get smaller and smaller and untangled makes me feel better, and gives me motivation to continue improving my life and makes me feel like I'm getting my life back under control.

Oh, since you mentioned haircuts, I bought myself a set of clippers from Target three years ago or so for ~$20, and give myself essentially a buzzcut every two weeks. Saved me a ton of money from not having to go to a barbershop.