First off, my apologies. I wasn't sure whether to place this in the friendships and social interactions or the haven, since while it is clearly an issue with the latter, it is whining and asking for help on personal problems rather than discussing a general target. I just decided the haven as, in truth, the following post is me throwing myself a pity party and hope people advise on the catering, so to speak.
I have always been shy (excluding talking online... Until a few days ago). I've never got on well with other people, and despite being ni a more relaxed college environment and becoming more mature, my problem is only growing worse. I just can't talk to people and it eats me up. Whether in front of 20 or one, as soon as other people are around I start sweating, my heart starts pounding out of my chest, I tremble even more than normal, my mouth dries up, my mind turns blank and I'm overwhelmed by what can be best described as sheer terror. My paranoia kicks up a few notches, what does that person think of me? What does that person mean by what they just said? Why am I so much of a coward that I can't even speak? Why won't someone talk to me, taking the first step that I'm too scared to make and coming into talking distance? Am I really such a bad person? There's all these people around me talking, yet I have no witty side-comment to make, no point to offer, no topic to discuss. I just sit there, gazing at my feet with my mind a blank slate being corroded by fear, hoping someone would talk to me to take the feelings away, but also that nobody talks to me so I don't have to face the terrifying prospect of uttering a few syllables. Pretty pathetic, I know, but thats how I feel. People scare me, I know there are bad peopel out there and I've discovered this first hand, so people scare me. Likewise, there are only two things I fear more than people, and one is rejection (a product of trying to talk to people). For about 10 years I would try talking to people just to be left as the weird kid in the corner. To know that I was that different, that unacceptable and that bad a person that everyone would turn their back left me feeling dead inside. Man I sound melodramatic... Probably because I am but...
There is one thing I fear more than people and rejection though, and that is loneliness. Maybe I'm naive, but I like most people I meet, even if I do feel extremely intimidated by them, be it due to their looks or if they are boisterous. I do have one friend at college from tutor period and maths though, a bit of a nutjob but a funny guy (I know you might not like the term, but how else can I describe someone who snorts up crushed up polos and coffee powder before putting stables in his arms, earlobes, thumbs, flap of skin on the hands between the thumb and index finger, had people pierce his arm by pinching it and putting needles through it then threading the holed together?). I recently tried hanging around with his friends, and they're pretty much everything I want to be, a great sense of humour, outgoing, friendly towards each other, not to mention I like their clothes/hair (makes me feel less intimidated by them, though not enough to actually talk). I started talking to one on msn recently. I've only sat with the group about 4 times, and said roughly as many words. She said she found it strange how I just sit there and say nothing, kinda creepy. I talked to her again last night, and I finally noticed that when I ask how she's doing, she snaps at me. When I asked if she didn't like me asking, she replied 'you're a fast learner arent you' in a sarcastic, almost barbed tone. She also said that when I make jokes about myself it seriously 'pisses her off'. Generally, it seemed very confrontational. Friday there was also a problem. A friend of mine was on the table behind her, who is jewish (And dating one of my two close friends). If anyone knows the bogeys game, well... My friend from maths/tutor period and this girl played that game, only shouting 'jew' instead which upset me. Also, the girl tried throwing ice cream at the friend from maths I was sitting next to, but it hit me (I immediately wondered if it was really intended for this Lloyd guy). Now today, I was sitting with the jewish friend indoors and those two friends were at another table. I pretended not to notice them, but eventually the girl threw a crabapple at me. Later on when I said to Lloyd I knew amzy (the girl) threw it, he insisted she was trying to hit someone further away. I'm not nearly as naive as that, especially having had feelings for a while now she doesnt like me. I haven't really been rejected since starting college, so this makes it quite hurtful to me. All this just because I am too much of a wuss to speak to people.
I've looked on a couple of sites dealing with shyness but nothing helps. Many say 'boost your confidence' as if it's a matter of wish and it'll come true, I've never had much confidence/self-esteem and I've been trying to rectify that for about 8 years, but I have nothing to draw either from. Others tell me to go to clubs, but I don't really have any hobbies so thats an impossibility (I know someone's gonna question the validity of this but believe me, it's the case). More advice includes making the first move (which is hard to do when you cant think of any words. When I ask if someone is doing ok, the conversation ends after the answer), smiling at people (which I already do), cracking jokes (which in my case are as welcome as athlete's foot) and asking people about themselves (I occasionally do this but answers are very blunt, and I usually don't know what to ask). I've even talked to two of the very few friends I have about my problem and they just said 'don't worry about it' as if it isn't important. Feeling like a reject every day and being isolated almost 24/7 is a pretty big deal to me. I just do not know what to do, I'm depressed as is and my chronic shyness is making it rapidly worse as of late. I just feel like such a failure as can't speak to people, and I'm always on the outside looking in. You know what? I like what I see, but I don't see myself inside. I know many of the people here have overcome shyness problems, so I'm hoping for, no, begging for advice. Some way to talk, to think of what to say and how to say it, to be accepted, to somehow get over this paralysing fear whenever others are nearby.
As I said at the start, this post is pretty much a pity party, but I'm posting it instead of just saving it to Word as I could really do with sincere advice. I can't explain how much this problem affects me and how much rectifying it would mean to me. Offline I can't open up to anyone, so I'm just glad this place exists. I just want/need help.
27 Feb 2006, 6:23 pm
. I just need advice on how to think of what to say and to not be scared of others
