Jobs, Depression, Aspergers

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First off, Hello community!

Like many others, I could really use help from those of you more experienced with this... Asperger's continuum. I'm a very confused guy who wants desperately to make his life change for the better.

I (unfortunately) need to lay out my background. I'll try to make this brief, as I know everyone here wants you to read their sob story, hehe.

I've tried for all my adult life to excel at my jobs and college, but have not. I have issues with getting motivated to do... well, just about anything really, and have a hell of a time getting up in the morning or being on time to any appointment, any time of the day. I'd say these two items together are what have shot down my attempts at college & career thus far.
As I've made repeated attempts over the decade and seen subsequent disappointments, I've fallen increasingly into a very, very severe, life-crippling depression.

From a psychiatrist I was advised to go through a day of testing with an experienced PhD neurologist to try and figure out a bit of what my deal was. The doc's test results showed what she described as prominent indicators of Aspergers. Although, in her words, she wasn't 100% married to the diagnosis. That was about four months ago, and since then I've oscillated back and forth on what I think about it, how much it matches, what it means(if anything), and how I should proceed. I've also done some fair reading on the topic, it's ins and outs, its variance, blah blah.

I'm pretty patient with formulating conclusions, but by now I feel I need help figuring this out. Regardless of whatever else is to be understood, there are things that absolutely must happen.
1) Fight my depression enough to actually look for a job
2) Have faith that I could excel at a job, or better, a career which I'm well qualified for
3) Stay motivated at work on a day to day basis so that I don't slack, waste time, or move and think sluggishly
4) Carry that motivation outside of the workplace so that I go out and accomplish all the things that I know I'm capable, like going back to school and kicking it's ass as easily as I used to.

Really, that's a bit of a chronological list, with each step being dependent on the prior. But my morale is shot, and I have a hard time focusing on taking individual steps. I end up seeing the whole thing and simply want to go to sleep.

I've read up extensively on depression, I've seen myriad advice, I've participated on depression forums, but somehow none of it seems quite applicable. After reading and speaking with many depressed people online, I don't feel like my mindset significantly resembles the typical depressed person's mindset. Maybe that's due to differences derived from Asperger's?

Add to that, I have a strangely paradoxical self-esteem - On one hand, to understate, I kick ass at the things I do. Virtually nothing I do lacks quality, creativity, precision, flashiness, applicability, etc. My self-esteem is, in some ways, alarming because I objectively know just how RAD I am at innumerably many practical and flashy things... When I do it.
And that's the problem. It's a fight to make myself get started on doing the simplest things, the easiest things. Like preparing a meal for the day. Or doing what the boss says NOW instead of later, when I was employed. I feel like an ultra-trainwreck-lazy SuperMan. If I could just focus, and follow through, and feel energetic, I'd go off and get my PhD, cure cancer, invent time travel, and be a chart-topping rock star. Or something.

But, no, I can't even bring myself to go out and get a fast food job. And even if I did, I'd be the stereotypical slacker that the boss has to ride to get anything done.
wtf.
So, after my dead-end experience talking with other normal(?) people with depression, I feel that the key to my liberation perhaps lies in understanding and mastering Asperger's....? I simply don't know what else to think. I've tried many mental tactics, and don't feel like I've seen success. The paradoxical state of fundamentally understanding significant tracts of the problem-space, yet not acting on it, leaves me profoundly confused and nearly resigned.

Alright I've typed enough. I could really use insights, and I'd eagerly discuss and describe this in more depth, if it helps.
In advance, I sincerely apologize if I ever at some point come off as arrogant, or dismissive of others' ideas - Gonna try to curb that BS. It's just that I'm capable of pretty detailed, objective analysis of myself, I've gone over so much of it in vain with professionals, and now I'm simply frustrated I guess.
(duh.)

I wonder, is there anyone that can relate? Or, better, has ideas?


... Damn that wasn't exactly brief, was it?

This sounds a lot like me as well. I'm 17 and feel i have not done anything with my life so far. No girlfriends, no activities or sports that i play etc etc. I seem to be good at everything that I do actually put my mind into doing. I feel that for the most part for 15 years of my life I was just to afraid to try new things and never went outside my comfort zone which is why I think I have slumped into this crippling depression the last two years. I have dreams and things I imagine myself doing and know that if I put my mind to it I could excel at anything but everytime I psych myself up to do something productive and meaningful that I think would better myself the weight in my head from my depression pulls me down and all I want to do is completly zone out without any thoughts going through my mind.I sometimes think about how great being in a coma or dead would be as it would be complete utter peace which at this point I only get 8 hours of it(aprox) a day. To put any thoughts into words it takes intense concentration even though I already have it figured out in my mind. Maybe we both do have aspergers and that is directly causing our depression because we can't express what we truly mean which makes it hard for us to bond with people. I also feel that I have a hard time empathizing with others because I feel the simple mundane things that get people down in life are nothing to worry about.

Lol - hello Sound. Welcome to WP.
I think you might be onto something when you say the key to your liberations lies in understanding Asperger's. I think you should do like you did with depression and read as much as you can about it and hang out on here, learning about Asperger's and especially just talking to people with it really helped me understand myself and the more I understood myself, the better I felt.
I used to be so much like you. I was very depressed too. I can't really tell you how I got from there to here, I'm sorry to say. With the whole motivation/getting thing done thing, I had to train my brain to work differently. The key, I think, is not actually starting it but thinking about doing it. You have to plan to do things and know your going to do them, not plan to do things but know you probably won't when it gets to it. Practise by setting yourself goals at night, like tomorrow I am going to walk to the corner of my street and back. Then reward yourself. Set something for the next day. Really little things if that's all you can motivate yourself to actually do. It sounds stupid but it could help just by getting yourself used to setting a goal, accomplishing it and feeling good about yourself. It doesn't matter what the goal is. You said you have a problem focusing on individual steps - you can't block out the whole picture. I would say, scrap that whole list and don't even think or worry about those other things until you've sorted out your depression. Try breaking everything down into the smallest steps possible and moving from one to the next, onlt thinking about the one that's next. This really worked for me to make myself get things done because I like things that have set steps/routines, and I like lists and being able to cross things off a mental checklist, so it was like I was making it a challenge for myeslf even if it was really boring. I don't know if any of this helps you at all or if it even really makes sense, I don't think I explained what I mean very well. But let me know how you're going?

Hey Sound, to me it doesn't really sound like depression. Perhaps I am just reciting a manual here but you need a low mood for more than 2 months. And depressed people have no goals to reach. It sounds like you do. I get into some really depressive moods full of self doubt, anger at every person who dares to smile and a whole 'I don't care' attitude. But I'm never depressed long enough to be diagnosed with depression. I somehow build my confidence up after two days.
Not having motivation to do something isn't always depression. We have something called executive dysfunction, which makes it harder to get things done. It takes me ages to do things. If I don't have a coffee in the morning I'm a mess. I don't vacuum my room until I'm inhaling dust. Having a daily routine helps me get things done, and one day I'm going to have to write myself a to-do list to get the vacuuming done.
When I have appointments I write them down and stick the note on a notice board or type it into my ipod and set a reminder. If I have to wake up early I go to bed before 11pm, I set my alarm, I may even plan what I'm wearing before I go to bed. Once I get into a routine with getting up early it's a lot easier to do, though I have to drag myself out of bed.
I've not been very lucky in the employment department. I wouldn't go for fast food because I know where my difficulties lie; I can't take too much information in because I'll forget it or mix it up and I'm no people person.

The best way to learn about Asperger's is to pick up a book. I read the Autistic Spectrum by Lorna Wing when I was going through my diagnosis journey.

I like the fact that you're challenging my assumption already. I actually appreciate that.

However, I am deadly serious when I say severe, chronic, long-term, life-crippling depression. I can cleanly qualify it, but I'd rather not get too emo at the moment. Take my word for it on this one. I've definitely passed that 2 month mark.

Regarding goals... I've gotta mark that one as false. Depression does not rule out goals and aspirations. I can understand(easily) why depression might suffocate and erase goals for many, but it is not 'the rule,' so to speak. People diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder are capable of vibrant goals. Rather, it influences people to believe that they cannot achieve those goals.

This executive dysfunction you mention definitely deserves some reading... That sounds major, and I'm not sure how I haven't found this subtopic. I'm gonna have to get a book on that(And dangit, that means my SQL book gets pushed aside again!)
Are you aware of any threads dedicated to suggesting books based on who/what it's geared towards? There's a lot of ASD books out there...
And in the meantime, do you have a resource or thread you'd suggest that deals with this particular dysfunction?

Boy, that routine seems mighty attractive... I can't imagine holding it together, though, without a job or school as a framework to keep it in place. *sigh*